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Hello, this is my first post here, but I've been reading advice since she finished with me a month ago, after a 3 year relationship. I'm 35, she's 25.

These have really helped with the initial pain and regret involved... I will probably sound like the bad guy in this.

She finished things because I drank too much. I was never physically abusive to her, I just liked a drink. I loved her with all my heart and more.. I just stopped drinking too late for myself for her to love me as I was and how I am now.

This is true, and I have since been to see the doctor; He hold me to stop drinking, had blood tests to see how my liver's doing, and am being referred to an alcohol councillor in the next week or so. In which time, I have taken a long, hard look at my life, and seen a hell of a lot of wrong towards her and myself from my side (We've been NC for a month- I sent her a letter trying to meet to talk things out after a couple of days of breaking up and she didn't reply). I'm dryng out for myself and myself only.

I think it's the best thing for me to get on with the counselling and move on. I feel incredibly guilty even though she dumped me pretty much out of the blue like an emotional suckerpunch, blaming it on the drinkng, yet I think there may have been more reasons for the breakup. (I'm not looking for excuses for my behaviour here).

In the last couple of months previous to the break up, she'd moved in with two female friends (we weren't living together) who she's known for years, both of them have had multiple boyfriends/ very insinsere relationships with men. My ex is fairly inexperienced in relationships.

Then within the space of a month or so, both of her flatmates split up with their boyfriends. One of them is now back with her much older boyfriend, as she's pregnant with his child, the other had been going out with a guy for 6 weeks and she mourned like it was 6 years. They are both reputed amongst (her) friends to be drama queens.

Things hadn't really been going too great between us for a while, she'd just started a very intensive study course, and I think things had got a bit "Samey" between us.

I know my drinking didn't help, but it sounds like she was wanting to go out and have fun with her mates and have some fun; the cul de sac we'd got ourselves into, plus my drinking ( which was at least 70% better) maybe was a way for her to just get rid of me forever.

NC has been implemented since the first week of the breakup.. She's not coming back, is she?

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I'd hope she'd come back... there certaintly is a possibility. I think its the obvious to remain in NC. If anything she should be the initiate of it.

 

Im near her age, and the way i feel now is that I don't want to be too committed but, I enjoy learning to be an adult. Its a great experience... and perhaps that is what she has learned through you, with you. Perhaps she needs time to reflect.

 

I had a 1 year relationship, and had remained NC for 1 year, talked once, then remained NC for another year... and this year seems to be the same thing.

 

I think not hoping anytime soon is best, but possiblity is certaintly out there... I'd suggest to give it a year or so to let her cool down some more, and for you to almost be a new person to her if she were to return. Re-discovery is far better than remembering "how it was". how it was situations, I always feel kill a relationship.

 

-ForAnother

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Welcome to enotalone!

 

No one can answer if she will come back or not...

 

However the healthy choices you are making for yourself are to be commended!!! What you are doing is wise and can only be beneficial. This is an amazing turning point in your life. Maybe she will see the changes and you will have a second chance together. Maybe not, regardless you are going to be stronger, healthier and smarter for any future relationship.

 

I am very impressed by your willingness to seek help! Keep it up, you are doing GREAT!!!

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Thanks for that, I've been moving on, what with stopping drinking and getting out there.. Bit diffficult without the booze, but there are sunny edges to the dark clouds!!

Even though it was pretty much my fault that we broke up, and I understand in a way why she did it in the way she did it, I stil feel a little bitter that she felt she couldn't talk to me about the problems we were having. To me, it seems like she bottled up a whole load of stuff, and then took the easy way out by blaming it on my drinking, as things had been going a bit pear shaped for a while.

I completely accept that being in a relationship with a heavy drinker must be a nightmare, and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

NC is really hard work, but it's helping day by day.

The booze wasn't worth losing her.

I'd take her back tomorrow, if she'd have me.

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Sorry, I'm really new here, and haven't been on message boards before, so am not sure how to reply to single posts, but I just wanted to thank you both for your kind words. I would have posted weeks ago, but it would have probably just been a stream of snot and "oh why doesn't she love me any more?"

Now things are more in perspective- the breakup, me resolving problems with drinking; I hope it's a good sign for the future, and some day I'll be sorted enough to see her without losing control of my bodily functions and have a conversation with her, as she was truly my first real love, even though I screwed things up.

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I am lad to hear that you have decided to do it for yourself, however it may take her time to realize that changed.

 

I have learned that the most partners do not have a problem with us going out for a couple of drinks ......... as long as we stay within our original plan.

 

If you say to her "I am going out for a couple drinks and will be home at 6:00 pm" you have now made 2 promises to them. (couple of drinks & 6:00 pm) if you exceed either you have lost their trust. Also, it is not the fact that you are out drinking, it is the after effect, falling asleep early, hungover or moody the next day .... etc etc, this is what makes them upset. Not the fact that you went out, but the after effect.

 

Trust me, it took me a long time to learn this also, but I did..... And I too have quit drinking until I feel I can control the above. I will drink in a social atmopsphere only, with my wife present. It has gotten to a point that I enjoy myself alot better without the drink, and I still have lots of fun.

 

Have a good look at the day after of drinking, that is what truly upsets a woman.

 

Good Luck

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Thanks Hammer, day by day I feel stronger without drink, (and without her) and I'm sure the counselling will give me the additional boost to get on with life.

Even though I want her back at the moment, I'm starting to kind of enjoy myself again. I feel like I'm successfully moving on, but I don't feel ready in any way to speak to her, but the feelings towards her are slowly fading with time.

I really need to do some thinking about how life will be now, without alcohol and without her, rather than hanging round waiting for a reconcilliation which basically doesn't look like it's going to happen.

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I am presently seeing an Addicition COunselor, I personally felt that I did not have a problem, however others that cared about me thought I did. My drinking was mainly on weekends with friends.

 

The addicition counselor goes through a series of questions (3 - 1 Hour sessions) just the questions alone made me feel that I had a problem. I think if you were to drink a glass of red wine daily with dinner, you would be classified of being a problem drinker according to the questionnaire.

 

I went through the sessions with an open mind and gave truthful answers, as I looked at it as if I was to lie about the answers to the questions, the only person I was cheating was MYSELF. I went to this place on my own, mainly to identify that I DID NOT have a problem, I have not had my follow up session yet. But I do feel that I may be a problem drinker, but not an alcoholic.

 

I have been off the drink for almost 3 months and have had activities with friends that revolved around drink, I was able to get through these "tests" extremely successful. My friends have actually commended me and have given me the utmost support, where I honestly thought they would frown on me about not drinking.

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