Jump to content

Yes it's me again complaining, but I need you guys!


Yvette84
 Share

Recommended Posts

Ok, alot of you know my story already, for those who don't I'll give you the fast food version.

I met this guy online 5 months ago, we exchanged #'s and have been talking on the phone for hours everyday for months. We do love each other and have gotten to really communicate and learn so much about each other. he is an AWESOME guy! we are so alike it's unbelievable! Anyways...so he said he was going to move here for me from Michiagn (i'm in cali) problem is......he has been doing nothing but procrastination for months!!! he promised me he'd be here by oct.26th and he broke that promise and is not gonna be here then. why?? because he hasn't been doing anything!!!! He is kinda scared because it's a huge move and he's had a sheltered life so I dunno if that has something to do w/it...

 

He says he loves me more than anything and would "die without me", he has nothing over there in MI. I'm his first GF and his first love, he says he "can't wait" to come here and finally be with me and do stuff together. then he procrastinates??? I've been doing everything for him!! he hasn't been trying to sell his car, or find a job or anything. When I ask him why, he says "I will, tomorrow" I really don't get it. because when I tell him I'm gonna end it, he freaks out and begs me not to. then he goes back to this! I really don't wanna leave him because besides this..he's perfect! and I wanna give us a chance. does ANYONE understand what's going on??? ](*,)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ok, i'll reply, but I'm not sure if you are open to hearing this. I do keep saying this....

 

i think you've invested WAAAAAYYYYY too much time and heart into a man that you have never met in person. he is your penpal, not your boyfriend.

 

and now he is stalling. I know if I thought someone was the love of my life, I would want to put meeting him into action. Especially since winter is starting in michigan and I would want to get out of there ASAP before winter starts! there's already been snowstorms there this week. I personally, would be on the first flight to CA if I had nothing in michigan holding me there.

 

anyways, i do think you need to issue an ultimatum.... either he does something soon to show he is serious about turning your cyber relationship into a real life relationship.... or you are going to just go ahead and move on.

 

it seems you've tried everything.... pleading, talking nicely, offering to help.... but if he's stalling.... something is up. either he is unsure of moving, or he is perhaps lying to you, he may not be who he says he is, he could have a gf or a wife, and he has been lying to you all along. or maybe he had no intentions of ever moving, he just wanted a cyber gf, not anything else.

 

anyways, you are young and smart, no need to put your life on hold for a man who may or may not exist.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Find out exactly what is holding him back?

 

Commitments? Job? Stuff? other romantic involvement? Live in? Wife? Fear of the unkown? Fear of leaving his family and friends?

 

Leaving the security of a job... not having a job when he gets to you? being dependant on you??? whats the deal?

 

If you are starting to keep score... about how much you've invested vs how much you are getting... you are in trouble.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanx annie. I know he is who he says he is, I mean, I have spoekn to his family multiple times on the phone, his mom,dad, borhter and his best friend since childhood. He has had a rough life, when I met him he had Obsessive compulsive disorder, and was in rehab for a month. He is Ok now, but it prevented him from ever really being independent or having relatonships with girls. So this is something he has wanted all of his life, he's always dsired to actaully "find love" I mean we connect in so man ways, as friends, spiritaully, mentally. I Know in my heart he means what he says. He is always there for me and makes time to talk to me for hours everyday, I mean his life right now is, go to work night shift, sleep all day, call me then go back to work and do it all over again. ugh...I dunno, I know I've invested so much into this, I just want to give us a chance to be happy together, should I just wait for HIS timing??? I mean he shouldn't even have "timing" he should try to be here NOW!

I gave him an ultimatum, but I didn't fall through with it.

I hate this.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Find out exactly what is holding him back?

 

Commitments? Job? Stuff? other romantic involvement? Live in? Wife? Fear of the unkown? Fear of leaving his family and friends?

 

Leaving the security of a job... not having a job when he gets to you? being dependant on you??? whats the deal?

 

If you are starting to keep score... about how much you've invested vs how much you are getting... you are in trouble.

I think fear is holding him back, it is a huge move and life change, that's why i cut him slack, but still....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why not just take baby steps? One of you gets on a plane for a few hundred bucks and you spend time together, discussing this very situation. The whole move and live together deal is a big leap. A round trip ticket is cheaper than the misery you're having.

Just do it.

If one of you can't break down and do just that, how can you do more?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi there,

 

I sort of agree with the others (hey, everyone here is wise and fabulous, that's why!). I don't know if he's not who he says he is - I don't think so, but you never know. If he's always around, and you've spoken to everyone, and so on. But still...

 

Even so, you are too young to put your life on hold. It's worth taking a chance, but equally life is for living, not waiting. I agree with Dako. Get a plane, book a hotel room, go and see him one weekend (and soon). Take control. If one short weekend trip doesn't work out, then I don't think life altering decisions about moving are going to either.

 

So I'm kind of fifty-fifty - I think you should take a chance on him (but safely, very very safely!!), but also you should have a finite timescale. You're young and lovely, and you don't need to have your life on hold like this. If he's iffy about you going to see him, well equally I guess you have got your answer. But you need to see him, you need to know, and you need to do it in the next few weeks.

 

Gosh, I sound very certain tonight, don't I? Anyway, lots of luck with this!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hate to say this, but it's quite possible he's so attached to the security of his routine, he may not be able to get on a plane and come out to see you.

 

I agree with Dako as well; go that far. But the reality is, he has to beat this fear himself. Hopefully he'll be able to resolve the fear or whatever issue is holding him back, so he can be happy with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Dako 100%- It is exactly what I was thinking when I began to scroll down to post to you.

 

Sweetness, I think that is way too much to ask of someone that you have not met.

 

What if he moves to Cali (a huge sacrfice) and y'all just do not work out. I would never encourage anyone to move in his situation. Some trips back and forht to meet first seem wise.

 

Sorry, I know that is not what ya wanna hear or have him do but maybe meeting up would ease his mind and even light the fire for him to move out for good!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You really can't expect someone you have never met to just up and move accross the country for you.

 

The fantasy of it is fun and talking about it is fun but the reality of it, he is scared and rightly so.

 

I agree with Dako that you or he should invest in a plane ticket and go meet and spend some time with each other face to face.

 

It really doesn't cost that much to fly there. Why haven't you two met yet? What really has stopped you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think he loves being in love and the safety of the Internet between you so you don't have to meet in person - you are each in love with the image you have of the other. It is way too much pressure to expect a complete stranger (and he is a stranger for purposes of determining whether you two are romantically compatible) to relocate based on a pen pal relationship. Meet in person first in a public place for an hour - lengthen the time together if that makes sense.

 

Above all watch the feet - what he does - not the lips - what he says and please stop doing everything for him - it is making you resentful and him feel crowded and suffocated. You are not his mother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You what?

 

OK, this is what I surmise from this:

 

1) You two profess to *love* each other despite having not actually met in person.

2) Despite having only known each other for 5 months, he was/is talking about moving to be nearer to you.

3) He makes and breaks promises with no good reason.

 

He seems a little creepy, if I may be so blunt. Warning bells sounded when I read "his first girlfriend", "sheltered life", "he freaks out and begs me not to".

 

Whooaaaa. Clingy and weird. The nice explanation is that he's a pleasant young man who mistakenly believes he has a fullblown relationship going on with a girl he hasn't actually met.

 

The less palatable explanation is he's a man who has no clue how relationships work, is dramatic (declarations of love only online AND so early...neenahneeeha?!?) and just sounds like bad news.

 

I'd steer well clear if I were you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Batya33, it is probably the safety of the internet that kept him going in a relationship which is obviously something he fears a great deal. Perhaps he suffers from commitment phobia or has some intimacy issues. There is no problem with that, just as long as you guys can name it, then deal with it.

 

Besides being too comfortable with his lifestyle, family and friends, maybe he is also too comfortable with his job and he doesn't want to leave it. Don't get me wrong, this does not mean that he does not love you or anything. I just want to point out that maybe the problem has to do with him not wanting to make this huge change in his life, not with whether he loves you or not or if he is as much invested in the relationship as you are. Do you think it would be easy for you to leave everything you have in California just to be with him? If you think that might be something hard to do then you would understand his position.

 

I think another problem he has is not being able to say "no" even when it comes to big discions. I find myself sometimes saying yes to things I don't want to do just because I think I'm being nice. I guess I'm just a people pleaser. So, maybe he doesn't want to upset you.

 

I agree with the posters who have suggested that you guys start out with a couple of dates. Only then will you both know that you're right for each other or not.

 

Good Luck..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have been observing from the sideline and I had to jump in.

 

Yvette I know you think that this guy is it. Let me tell you a story I have experience with this.

 

I met someone on this site. We talked and found we had so much in common and that we both started to really like each other. I thought he was like no one I had ever known before. I was infatuated with him and thought he could possibly be b/f material.

 

I took the leap. I traveled 3000 miles to meet this person. It was a great 5 days. We clicked, laughed, had a great time. Then when I left to come back home the whole thing turned upside down. He got scared and ran for the hills. He wasnt even a man about it, he actually was like a teenage boy and avoiding the situation.

 

I was devastated, I thought what the heck happened? We clicked, connected, everything. Now everything was over just like that. I replayed so much in my head and realized that there were things I could never have known by just talking to him on the phone. I saw his actions and how he handles things. I saw a temper that was explosive for the most inane thing, I saw that he was someone who can't relax, I saw someone who would always pick the boys over his g/f.

 

My point of the story is I realized all this by seeing his actions and not only going by his words.

 

Moving is such a BIG commitment and if he were out there and you saw actions you didnt like what would you do? You would not want to be with him. He on the other hand would be stuck, moving out there and leaving all that he knows for a chance on a dream.

 

As ALS stated alot of red flags have already been posted. The OCD, the first g/f, his lack of ambition, etc. This is not good for you my dear not at all.

 

I agree with what Annie has stated and I would follow Dako's advice. Get the plane ticket, if you can't afford that then check the buses or the trains. It is imperative you meet first before making this HUGE leap.

 

Please Yvette for your own sake look at this from the other side of the coin. You are far too young and attractive to waste your time with a cyber b/f.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks everyone but It's easy for you all to say "move on to someone else" because you don't feel what I feel for him. And about the visiting thing, we've looked into that and it's finacially impossible, He would have to spend an easy 1,000 for a plane ticket, room to stay for a few days/week or so. And then if he did decide to move here, he'd have to start all over again saving his money, right now he's trying to get 1,000 from his job, and 1,500 for his car. so that when he comes he'd have a little over two thousand.And then start working right away. But if we were to make trips to visit.....it would not be possible. we are both broke. The only way he'd be able to move here is by selling his car.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well, I know it is expensive, but there are ways.... like everyone said, moving without even knowing each other is a HUGE risk!!!!! I know I certainly wouldn't move for a long distance boyfriend unless we visted each other a dozen times or so.

 

link removed

 

they have some really good deals, especially if you fly on a tuesday or wednesday or thursday.

 

link removed

 

has really good deals on hotels. or, look around for hostels.

 

yes, it may cost a few hundred dollars total, but that is very little in comparision to the big picture. right now, you are investing a LOT OF TIME in this man, and as you get older, you'll learn that your time is extremely valuable. you are only 22 once and don't need to waste the best years of your life on a man who may or may not materialize....

 

and furthermore, yes, moving is expensive and you are both broke. ok, I get that..... but like you said, if he hasn't even gotten the ball ROLLING....

 

and on the other hand.... you do have this handsome baseball player coming into your office and flirting with you, I think he's a better bet....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks everyone but It's easy for you all to say "move on to someone else" because you don't feel what I feel for him. And about the visiting thing, we've looked into that and it's finacially impossible, He would have to spend an easy 1,000 for a plane ticket, room to stay for a few days/week or so. And then if he did decide to move here, he'd have to start all over again saving his money, right now he's trying to get 1,000 from his job, and 1,500 for his car. so that when he comes he'd have a little over two thousand.And then start working right away. But if we were to make trips to visit.....it would not be possible. we are both broke. The only way he'd be able to move here is by selling his car.

 

I know, money is a terrible bind. I can understand that. How about he takes time off work, and you or he gets the bus (I'm British, sorry if I don't get the distances involved!). Or train? And could he stay with a friend?

 

It's just that...and I don't want you to feel we're picking on you - but moving to be with someone else is a *huge* commitment. I appreciate the practicalities, but it's hard to get my head around someone making the gigantic step of moving to be with someone they've never met, and yet unable to make the smaller step of just going to see them.

 

I think you have got a great connection going on. I think you do feel a lot for each other. It's just that...I don't know, this is stalling a bit, isn't it?

 

One other thing - although he's moving to be with you, he's not moving in with you, is he? I'm figuring that he's moving to your town, and you will see how it goes? Are you in a large town? Small town? In a way, I can understand that. I've moved around a lot, and if I met someone in say, New York, I wouldn't mind moving there, partly for them and partly for the experience itself. Is that how it's working for you too? If he's moving solely for you, it's a huge responsibility for you. There are loads of 'what ifs'.

 

Seriously, I don't think anyone is trying to be mean or rain on your parade, it's just that it would be so much better for you both to see each other, no matter how hard, before you take this enormous step. Christmas is coming up - any chance that you could both ask for all your presents to be early and in cash so that you could meet up??

 

Good luck, keep posting and let us know how you're both doing!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe you're just too attached to him and afraid that things might not work out for you both once it all starts to get real. Being in denial is normal; however, I do agree with the other posters, meeting up might be the best option for your current situation. In fact, it will lessen the pressure you both might have on desperately wanting things to work out.

 

I think where you guys are at is still considered to be at the dating stage, so meeting up for "a date" will be best for you because it's what people who date do. Making big changes like moving to another state is what committed people do. You sound to be very committed to your boyfriend but maybe you both need more input than what you already have to know that you're right for each other.

 

For now, I think you should just enjoy getting to know each other and take it slow. Being in an LDR is very hard, but if you love each other you'll manage to go through it all. I don't think I've added much to what has been said here, I guess I just wanted to stress the already mentioned points.

 

Good luck..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yvette I do understand. I never got to the love stage but even to go visit people were telling me to be cautious. I flew accross the country from the West coast to the East coast. My plane ticket was $398. The bus is alot cheaper, or he could look online to see if anyone is driving to Cali and he can go along and help pay for gas. Sometimes Craigslist has those type ads.

 

Hypothetically, if I would have up and moved everything to be by my guy look where I would be. Stuck in a city I know nothing or no one in. When I went out there I mentioned i would move out there. That never materialized and looking back now that I am out of the haze everything worked the way it was suppoosed to.

 

Your b/f doesn't seem to want to come up with solutions to his money situation or motivated at all. He may be a very nice guy and you may have something but like another poster said that puts a HUGE responsibility and burden on you. If he hates it there or gets mad at you, you will always be blamed for him moving out there.

 

Also as Annie mentioned hostels are a great way to save money for a room.

 

If things are meant to work they will but right now you shouldn't skimp on your time either. I say go and see what possibilities you may have with the baseball player.

 

Remember dont let anyone hold you back from your dreams and needs.

thanks everyone but It's easy for you all to say "move on to someone else" because you don't feel what I feel for him. And about the visiting thing, we've looked into that and it's finacially impossible, He would have to spend an easy 1,000 for a plane ticket, room to stay for a few days/week or so. And then if he did decide to move here, he'd have to start all over again saving his money, right now he's trying to get 1,000 from his job, and 1,500 for his car. so that when he comes he'd have a little over two thousand.And then start working right away. But if we were to make trips to visit.....it would not be possible. we are both broke. The only way he'd be able to move here is by selling his car.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Yvette, I completely understand you, to be honest I have been in your situation before, more than once. The first thing that is the hardest to admit is that you might have fallen in love with the "idea of him" since the relationship is an online relationship. Yes you have spoken with the family, you know pretty much everything about him, but once you take an online relationship into real life, it almost becomes a new relationship. You must follow your feelings. If you feel that your relationship deserves a chance that give it a chance, because you never know what will happen in the future, but keep in mind if you are not really happy, by putting more work into the relationship will not make you happy. Each relationship needs a balance. Good luck, follow your instincts, never let other influence you into making a decision you might later regret.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

here is the way I am looking at it - say you fly out to see him, and it costs you $500 total. if things are a total bust, you will be very happy you spend the $500, that you guys saw that you are incompatible, and that he is living far far away from you!

 

if things are awesome, that $500 weekend will be a treasured memory and it will be a wondeful story to tell your kids one day.

 

I think either way, it is a win-win situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...