My Son and His Father - Need insight!

[ImThatGirl]

My son is six years old. His father and I split when he was six months old.

 

I have allowed my son's father to be a part of his life even though he's been through several up's and down's with drugs and alcohol and the law.

 

At some points, his father has seemed to be capable to care for him. I have catered to him (his father) and made every effort to keep their bond tight. Last year, he got arrested a couple of times. Once for domestic violence and once for public intox. After that, my mom allowed him to live with her for a few months. He continued his destructive behavior - always getting messed up and rarely making an effort to see my son when my son was at my mom's.

 

In January he moved in with his girlfriend and her three kids. Their standard of living is much different than mine. I've heard her yell at her kids. Her kids have talked about their daddy's and how they can't see them. Her kids sometimes look less than presentable. For the past several months, I have taken my son to visit his dad for a few hours each Saturday.

 

His dad actually has a warrant out for his arrest so I do all the transportation. I feel conflicted about even allowing my son to visit for a few hours on the weekend. His dad is now pushing for overnights. My first thought is "over my dead body!" My son enjoys spending time with him but I doubt his dad would call me if my son was terribly upset and uncomfortable there. Not to mention that I don't know how they do things or if it's a "good" environment for my son for overnight.

 

What would you do? I feel like I am not out of line by not allowing my son to stay overnight. But at the same time do feel a bit bad for not allowing his dad to be a bigger part of his life....?

[annie24]

well, I think your primary concern should be for your son's safety. if he can beat up his girlfriend, i don't see why your ex wouldn't beat up your son. so I agree with you being cautious. definitely, no unsupervised visits. not until your ex has shown that his behavior has improved.

 

if you have questions, maybe consider calling a family lawyer or some family mediator. I wouldn't let a child around your ex either.....

[ImThatGirl]

I know it may sound like I'm making excuses. That domestic dispute was almost 2 years ago. He seems like he's made progress.

 

I think bottom line until he has that warrant taken care of, my son is not staying the night. The girlfriend he has now is not the same one involved in the domestic dispute. This girlfriend is very rough around the edges.

 

Maybe I should speak with a counselor and get a professional opinion.

 

I know the right answer. My son is my responsibility and his safety and well being is my utmost priority. Which means no overnights. My family and his dad's family agree that he shouldn't visit overnight.

 

I couldn't allow him to stay over. I couldn't feel at ease or that my son was safe.

 

But his dad seems to be doing well. His dad makes it out like I am selfish and controlling. That I am snobby and think I'm better than everyone...

[Juliana]

He's just trying to guilt you into doing what he wants. Do you think that it's possible that it's his girlfriend who claims that you don't think they're "as good as you," "too snobby" to let your kid stay overnight at her house?

 

A man with an outstanding warrant is only doing well relative to....guys in prison? I'm at a loss. I'm afraid, too, that if you give an inch (let him stay overnight), he'll want a mile (having him for the entire weekend).

 

I don't think you're comfortable with this situation, and no one else who knows your ex seems to be either, so this is really a no-brainer. Nothing to feel guilty about. Ignore their comments; I know it's hard.

[annie24]

ok, let's think of a scenario..... your ex is driving with your son in a car, he gets pulled over for speeding, the officer sees that he has an outstanding warrant, so he arrests your ex, and the police take your son until they can find where you are and have you pick up your son from the police station.

 

is this really a situation you want to put your son through?

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you Annie and Juliana! I really appreciate that you took the time to post your opinions to this.

 

He and I have always been good "friends." Like I know he has lots of room for improvement but I've learned to accept him for who he is. We used to take our son to do things "together" sometimes but now that we're both in relationships, that isn't as much of a possibility.

 

His girlfriend is very insecure and jealous. I think if I lived in her shoes, I'd probably be very insecure too. She doesn't have much going for herself. Example: My mom and I were over once visiting with my son. We left and got drinks for us and them (from the gas station.) My son's dad said he wasn't allowed to have the drink. lol I don't exactly feel comfortable stopping by there without my boyfriend or mother because I know how much the girlfriend dislikes me.

 

My family always takes everyone in and considers them family. His girlfriend wouldn't have been any different. We are friendly to everyone but she barely even says hi.

[ImThatGirl]

No, Annie - it isn't. And that's exactly what I have told him. I'll do the right thing as I have been doing for so long. I won't let his guilt get to me. I'm a strong cookie when it comes to standing up to him. I guess I just wanted a little backup. Thank you.

[Fallout]

Even if it's for a few hours with him...have you thought that he might just take off with your son and you wouldn't hear from him for years, if ever?

 

I've heard of stuff like this happening and your ex surely sounds capable of it...

[ImThatGirl]

Yes, I have thought of that. When my son visits, I call to check in every hour or two.

 

I know I gave the negatives about him. But, he really is just a small town guy that maybe doesn't have the same goals in life as other people. He has a good job and a house that he's buying here. They go to church on Sundays. His and his girlfriends family live in the small town too. If I thought it was a realistic risk, I wouldn't take the chance.

 

Thank you though for the thoughts...

[southerngirl]

Your right not to leave him overnight. You are letting him visit and thats good. I think you should stick to your guns.

[starlight]

Have a look at this forum. Although it's based in Australia, there are tonnes of American and English members. You should find it very helpful.

 

link removed

[AwdreeHpburn]

I'm that girl - is your ex a somehwat reasonable person? I mean, you said you two have remained friends and that he does OK when with your son, right? Except for the times, obviously, when he's going through a heavy sing period.

 

I'm asking because can he be talked to about this? Can you let him know your concerns? Are you able to make certain demands and he certain concessions?

 

Like, maybe you don't mind dropping him off for an afternoon, but like you said, no overnights until x y and z happen.

 

The GOOD thing is all of this is that your son is young now but he's just going to leep getting older. And wehn he does, the situation will change. He will be able to voice his-self better too.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you all. I will check out that forum.

 

My son's father is fairly reasonable. For the most part, if he starts fussing about the way I do things and the choices I make, I just ask him "Name, Do we really need to discuss all of this again?" He knows that he set the foundation for the precautions I take. Usually. But as time passes, he seems to think he has earned my respect and I should be more flexible.

 

At this point, my son sometimes asks to stay overnight. But quickly states "If you can stay with me." He's not ready to stay there. Course if I made him, he would but I wouldn't make him.

 

It's interesting. My son is only six but he and I both have learned and accepted his father for what he is. I have never talked negatively about his dad in front of him. He has no idea that his dad has spent time in jail or really anything about drugs and alcohol. Nor have I ever said anything negative about his dad's gf and her kids. We've both just learned to not expect too much from his dad. That his dad isn't a huge part of our lives nor is he capable of being.

 

I know when my son is older, if he questions things, his dad will tell him I wouldn't allow them to spend more time together. I have my bases covered for when that happens. And I think my son will be able to look back and know that it wasn't just me keeping him away from his "wonderful loving protective father."

[ImThatGirl]

Update: I received an email from one of my old neighbors last night. My son's father stayed with us briefly while we lived there. He used my address as his mailing address. In the email, I was notified that there was a notice to appear in court for my son's dad.

 

So of course I get onto the internet. His father now has warrants in the other county + a warrant in the county he lives in.

 

My son will no longer be visiting him at his place. I "may" allow his dad to visit him at my parents but I don't think I will. At this point, who knows what his frame of mind is. The risk is too high.

 

I agree that he has done many wrongs and he must face the consequences. But it leaves me to wonder how someone, a father, can possibly live against societies rules. How the heck can he deal with the guilt of not being a good father to his son!? He will no longer be paying child support. I will probably go through the courts soon but as soon as he sets foot in the courtroom, he'll most likely be sent to jail and I won't have any financial support for taking care of his son. I can make ends meet. But I'm so baffled by him and have been for the past 5 years. I do everything I can to provide and give my children a good standard of living. He lives against societies rules, lives in a not so great house, pays for his gf and her three kids, rather than doing the right thing: Taking care of his son and providing for him financially and emotionally!

[Fallout]

Hey some people are like that just be glad you divorced him and can support yourself...and he should be happy you're not turning him in...I think you made the right decision, at the most you could let your son talk to him on the phone...

[ImThatGirl]

I agree with you fallout. Thank you for your thoughts!