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I Didn't See That One Coming

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My mother sat me down a few days ago and said basically - "Look, you love Philosophy so much, you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go to Uni....you can always come home if you hate it, we'll fund it all so you won't be in any debt, etc".


I knew she was right. I've thereforeeee swallowed my pride and the sheer social intimidation relating to going, and have made a strong start on my application, which I'll be sending off within 2 weeks time.


I've applied to Unis within a 2 hour drive radius, so that I can be reasonably close to home, and so my boyfriend (been together one year, will, God willing ,be two years by then) can come and see me/I can see him. We both have cars, he has a license and I'll have mine by then as long as I don't have any more epileptic seizures.




Faced with grave uncertainly in these past few weeks about Uni Vs Not Uni, my boyfriend's take was *I love you and support you in whatever you do, and if you go away I still think we can make it work...but I don't want to discuss it too much with you, I don't want to feel I've influenced you in any way*.


So when I mentioned I was applying two nights ago, I was surprised at how he reacted. Not with too much shock, not with hostility..but he seemed nonetheless slightly put out.


After a bit of probing on my part, he said things between now and then in separate conversations along the line of:


"I just want to go to bed and think about this"

"Please don't go too far away"

"It's made me realise how easily I could lose you"

"I'm so scared you'll go away and just meet so many people that are better than me"


My response was - "YOU didn't have any girlfriends or sleep with anyone at three years' of Uni, why would you think I would, especially as I have you?"


His response was - "Yes, but you're better than me. Hotter smarter"...etc.


Apparently he has thought of a *good way to explain it properly* and he'll call me later when he gets home from football.


The part that hacked me off was his glaring insensitivity to the fact I'm practically socially phobic - what makes him think I'll even be able to get up most days, let alone go out, be wild and cheat on him?


1) I used to live like that 2 years or so ago, it ruined me ..never again

2) I don't even drink any more

3) Most people make me feel so rubbish I just plan on keeping my head down and getting a degree


So I was quite upset when he started on about the above ^...as though he barely even registered the social problems I've faced, which I have told him about, on MANY occasions.


I've said as much, he's apologised, but I'm mad.

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yikes. he sounds very insecure! I think all you can do is tell him that you have no intention on straying.


that said, do not let him hold you back from doing what you want in life. I went to uni and I have to say that they were the best years of my life. it was really amazing. The classes were great, I met wonderful people.... I think you will have a good time also.


good luck

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Well, hun, you need to do what is best for you.


My ex told me he would leave me if I furthered myself in my graduate education.


Needless to say, we broke up and I am pursuing everything I ever wanted.


Your education should be first and foremost as it will give you the skills and foundation you need to pursue certain careers.


If he cannot be acceptive and supportive, then he obviously is going to be that way in other areas later in life.


Someone should support you 100% in your dreams/goals and if they cannot, then cianara.


Hugs, Rose


Edit to Add: Just like Annie said, university life for me was phenomenal, and if he cannot put up with your decision, there are an overabundance of intelligent men you can meet there

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First of all, that's amazing, great, wonderful news. Congratulations!


Secondly, it's too bad your boyfriend thinks that you're better than him, and that that will automatically translate to you finding another person if you leave the house. Kind of makes me wonder what he thought you were going to do with your life. Live at home with your parents forever?


But I think if you guys have talked about it, best to just move on, because I would say in this case, his insecurity is something he has to deal with.

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I did Philosophy at uni! I hadn't done it before uni though so I didn't know what to expect- there's a lot of reading (I did English Literature with it).


Maybe your boyfriend thinks you'll go back to your wild ways- basically he's showing his insecurity here. Is he an insecure person in general? I have said pretty much the same words as he has, to my ex- I was scared he'd find someone 'better' than me at uni, and being so far away would forget about me. Of course this was my major lack of self confidence talking.


I understand that you feel offended/insulted by the idea that you would 'go wild'. Unfortunately the monster of insecurity does make people postulate things which are, in reality, ridiculous.

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Well yes, he IS insecure in general.


It also stems from his own experience of Uni. He graduated this year, and doesn't miss it at all - he found it shallow etc, and got so depressed he lost over 60lbs in six months in the second year.


He really isn't at all the jealous or controlling type, and I sense he really, really DOES want me to do whatever I would like to do to make me happy - he frequently maintains how intelligent he thinks I am, how he'd hate to have held me back, etc.


It's just going to be something he's going to have to get over.

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He isnt a 'bad' boyfriend, nor he is purposely trying to be insensitive or selfish, or keep you from improving yourself. He isnt threatened by you improving your education nor do I think he is saying he doesn't trust you. He is just afraid and insecure and scared and this doesnt make him a bad person. He is saying to you, in his own words "I love you so much please dont leave me for someone brilliant that you might meet at uni.."


I think he just needs reassuring how much you love him. Congratulations on your parents offering to do that for you. I am currently funding my own degree, im in my final year and so far its cost me over £2,000 on just fees alone, if I sat and worked out everything else its probably cost me over £3,000!


Good luck

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Hey girl,


I think philosphy is a great choice for you. Your bf has no reason to distrust you. Don't let him keep you from going. Because in the future, you might regret that and start blaming him for that.


Maybe it helps you to know... my bf will probably leave the country for postdoc research once he has his phd. We both don't like the idea of being apart, but we also know that we BOTH have to do this kind of thing in the type of career we have. I'd hate it if he decided not to go, if it was just because of me. It's too much of a burden, although I know he has doubts because we'd miss each other terribly.


Your bf is very insecure, so you can reassure him if that helps. But to NOT go because of that, I'd definitely advise against that. Go for it girl. I did philosophy as a second study next to linguistics, and I am still happy I did even if it delayed my graduation for a bit. It's a great study and I am sure you are one of those rare people who will excell in this subject.



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Where he has SOME reason to worry is that most relationships where one partner goes to uni break-up by Christmas. We're just not good at long distance relationships in the UK and I think we could learn a lot from our peer groups in the US.


I'll also add that in my (rather cynical) experience of life is that boyfriends and girlfriends can be replaced anyway, so if you do dump him for someone else, then he can find someone else, too.

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