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My name is Maddy and my boyfriend's name is Chris.

 

He's perfect for me. He's nearly everything I could possibly ask for. We connect perfectly and talk on the phone for hours at a time. He's perfect and there's no one I'd rather connect with emotionally.

 

But I can't stand to look at him. I can't fantasize about him without imagining him looking different, and I can't look at his pictures without peeking through my fingers. And I feel horrible for it.

 

It's not a simple thing such as getting a haircut or losing weight. I honestly don't think I'll ever be attracted to him. It scares me because we're planning to meet soon.

 

I don't know what to do. Help?

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If you really feel that way, save him and yourself some time in your life and end the relationship.

 

Looks arent everything. One day we all get old and our looks fade. If the relationship is based on something real, the looks wont matter. Imagine that you were with somebody in a relationship and in love. You get into a horrible accident that completely disfigures you. YOu are burned so severly that you have scars all over. Would you want them to continue to love you for who you are inside? Or would you want to then be cast away.

 

Point is, how much do looks really matter when its what is inside that you are attracted to?

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Hey Maddy, so is he your cyber boyfriend?

 

I believe attraction is an important part of a relationship. Is a complete balance. If you get along great and have a terrific connection, but you honestly feel like you couldn't even touch him with a 10' long broomstick... well... you're gonna have a trouble there. You're gonna keep feeling awful and shallow and he's gonna feel awful and rejected.

 

So you can either still meet him and see if you can get over the non attraction you have for him and try to develop some, or you can decided to see if you guys can remain as friends just. You may not wanna lose the connection and intimacy you already have.

 

Good luck.

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SouthernGirl: No, it doesn't. I know so many people say they'd rather have personality over looks because they don't want to feel shallow. Please don't think I'm a brat, But it's a little bit of both for me.

 

As a long distance relationship it's just fine. I love him very much, and I'd still love him no matter what he looks like. But it's very uncomfortable to think about anything physically romantic between us in real life. And I WANT to have that physical aspect. I want to feel close to him Emotionally AND Physically.

 

Most of the time I'm the type of person that finds someone attractive, even if I didn't think they were at first, simply because I'm in love with them. But that part of me seems to be a little stalled.

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Well if you can't find him attractive even a bit I don't see how the physical thing could work...maybe if he goes down on you so you don't see his face (lol sorry couldn't resist)

 

Look you can still love him and be as emotionally connected as you want to him but not be romantically involved...just be best friends for each other but don't tease him...tell him straight up you don't find him attractive but you love him very much as a friend...

 

If you tell him now it could work out as best friends but the longer you postpone the harder it will hit him...don't let him have illusions.

 

Oh yeah and another thing...don't feel shallow (or was it deel shallow) nobody is attracted to everybody, shallow would be not talking to him at all because you find him ugly.

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You do need to be attracted to someone to have a decent relationship with them. What's gonna happen when you meet up or even eventually try sleeping together? Do you want to feel like you're making love to what, in your head, is an ugly human being?

 

I think this is telling you something - because when people love other people, they might admit that they arn't model-good-looking - but they never find them unattractive. When in love, looks don't matter.

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I'm a firm believer that you can't love someone until you meet them in person. So I think you're jumping the gun on saying you love him, especially since you have never met in person and since you don't like the way he looks. What you have now is a penpal.

 

why not wait to meet in person before you make a judgement about how you feel about him? it could be that his photos do him no justice.

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I agree with annie24 and also think it is very difficult - if not impossible - to truly love someone in a romantic context if you find him ugly. You don't have to find him super-attractive or even close to super-attractive but you do have to feel like kissing him would be pleasurable and desirable. That is my response assuming you meet in person - right now you have a pen pal.

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why not wait to meet in person before you make a judgment about how you feel about him? it could be that his photos do him no justice.

 

 

^ I agree with Annie on this. I think it would be worth a shot to give it a face to face meeting before you decide. I have met quite a few people where their photo or even a web cam did NOT do them justice.

 

Actually I met a guy about a week and a half ago that I had communicated with only by emails, IM's and phone calls , and just on the friends level with for nearly two years . I had seen his photo's and webcam and he struck me NOT as ugly, but not one of the most attractive guys out there , just by looking at the pics and cam.

 

This guy has the most awesome personality, attitude , and tone about his voice when he speaks. He is very smart, hard driven and educated.

 

The moment I saw him face to face , I was really blown away by how he looked so much more attractive in person. Actually he was more than just attractive. Along with having that great attitude , confidence and since attitude, he was what I would call "hot" after all. So bottom line , in my opinion don't just take it that his looks are exactly what his photos show. I have experienced that first hand , so I say give it a try and see, you might think he is quite attractive or even hot too ,once you see him in person.

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The hottest guy I ever went out with was hideous - really really ugly. And I totally adored him. He was so weird looking he was insanely sexy - how does that happen?

 

Anyway, also to say that I would be absolutely devastated if someone I was close to thought I was 'ugly' and physically repellent. So I'm feeling for this guy here, to be honest. Either way, don't string him along. Meet him, like the others say, see if there's chemistry or not.

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i agree w/ the above posters that you really should give the guy a chance if you've never met him before. you can decide if you're physically attracted after that.

 

with that said, i think when a relationship is developing, there has to be some physical attraction to get the ball rolling. but once you fall for the person who they are, looks become very secondary. when i was w/ my ex, once the relationship developed, it was in my mind "for better or worse" regardless of what happened to her to my dying days.

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I think you should be aware that you may not even get on in 'real life'. I don't think you should've declared yourself 'boyfriend and girlfriend' online.

I believe that looks is an important part of a relationship, and whoever compared it to someone getting severely burnt and scarred is wrong (that would be totally different to someone who was born without looks, harsh but true)

Sort this out before you meet him, even if it does make him feel like crap. We can't all be beautiful, toots.

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give him a chance

 

I would meet him and give him a chance.

 

i'm 17 and had the same thing with my ex. it turned out his looks weren't a big deal once we met. it was his character that broke us up and I really thought he was okay after I got used to him. I dunno. u are the only one who can really decide what to do

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i agree , how can you say he is ugly but then say you love him.maybe you love the idea of him. i think beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but you have to have a pyshical attraction, what one person calls beautiful is not what everyone would call beautiful, but to say he is ugly, then you have no physical attraction at all.

sometimes your first inpression of someone is ewww..

 

but when you spend time with them there personality shines through, and they become the most beautiful person ever.

spend time with him, then decide, thats what i would do.

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I have no idear what to say here

 

But this

 

Savinien de Cyrano de Bergerac

 

"Mais…chanter,

Rêver, rire, passer, être seul, être libre,

Avoir l’oeil qui regarde bien, la voix qui vibre,

Mettre, quand il vous plait, son feutre de travers,

Pour un oui, pour un non, se batter, ou-faire un vers!

Travailler sans souci de gloire ou de fortune,

A tel voyage, auquel on pense, dans la lune! "

 

in English poor thats is

 

"To sing, to laugh, to dream,

To walk in my own way; be alone,

Free with an eye to see things as they are,

A voice that means manhood—to kock my hat

Where I choose—At a word, a Yes, a No,

To fight—or write. To travel any road

Under the sun, under the stars, nor doubt

If fame or fortune lie beyond the bourne. "

 

 

so I say who needs looks when words trave far sweeter to the hart

 

image removed

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey... the camera HATES me. I look way, way better in person than I've ever looked in any photograph. Maybe it's the same with this guy. You never know till you've seen him in person.

 

Some people are just naturally the reverse of photogenic... don't look good in pictures. If you feel as attracted to him on the inside as you say, I would go for it and have the meeting in person. And you know... you may end up thinking he's physically beautiful after you get to know him a little. Stranger things have happened.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think that you need to be somewhat attracted to the guy to be in a serious relationship with someone. It sounds bad, but its true. If he is that unbearable, where you need to cover his picture with your fingers, then you know theres a huge problem there. Have you tried giving the relationship a chance? If so, and it doesn't work, you need to be honest with yourself no matter how good of a guy he is and find someone else.

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This summer gone, on a very hot day, my b/f and me were at a beer garden. My b/f can never keep his t-shirt on in the heat. I had gone to grab a table while he got the drinks, he didn't see me straight off, and stood by a group of young women who then bagan to sneer and jest at my b/f's belly ...He has a substantial beer belly (typical English). At first I was angry, then I felt sorry for my b/f (luckily he hadn't noticed), that he was judged by ppl who didn't even know him!

My b/f is the nicest, kindest guy, but ppl will use first impressions, and in this case it was disgust!

 

To me, he has a beautiful big belly, that I love to wrap around at night!

 

Everything about his physical form is perfect, because I love him with all my heart!

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True and I don't think love transcends the need for physical attraction. In your case, the fact that he is overweight is not a problem for you - you are still attracted to him nevertheless. I don't think looks are the same thing at all as physical attraction but I think a romantic relationship requires both love and attraction - and sometimes the two exist separately.

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I do agree Batya, with what you are saying. Before I realised my feelings for my b/f, I would never deny that he was not an attractive man, just I strangely wasn't attracted to him. I suppose everything was too in front of my nose that it was blurred.

 

It was only after my PING, that every inch of him (oohh eerr misses) became perfect.

 

I suppose I was trying to say to the OP, that if she is truly in love with this guy, that even she may be able to overcome this feeling of displeasure of his facial features.

 

The only way to find out is to meet him, and everything will be clearer. But I agree, if after meeting him in the flesh , she still feels the same as now, then she should forget.

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