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Salucious
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I am now in my 6th semester of college, the past 5 have not been what I thought they'd be. This semester is a little different since I'm in an apartment with 4 other people I've gotten to be pretty good friends with. the problem is, that they are basically my only friends. The issue I have is that I often feel like I wasn't meant to be social. Up until middle school/highschool I was pretty outgoing and had lots of friends. everything changed and I went through highschool without ever going to parties or hanging out with people outside of school. College makes me feel worse because I know it should be fun, but so far it has mostly been a lonely experience. Since I never was really social in high-school and most people are, I never made lasting friends here. I've had three roomates, two the first year that one moved out and the other transferred, and another that never really was around and I didn't hang out with. It is hard to make friends now because everyone has their own circle of friends. I feel like freshman year I lost my chance to gain any lasting friendships. Now I have roomates that are cool people but they all have other friends they hang out with, they invite me sometimes but I think only out or courtesy(but I do go). I think it hurts my chances with girls too, when they see me alone all the time and girls like confidence which usually translates to social. It is like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle: women like a confident, social guy but if I don't have any good friends or am socially confident they won't notice or be attracted to me.

 

I feel like I will never be very social or comfortable in social situations like college and parties/clubs/bars etc. i do like being around people but not a lot of people I don't know. At the same time I envy people who like those situations because they look like they are having so much fun and enjoying life more; not to mention they have so much more chances of meeting the opposite sex.

 

I know not all girls are into crazy partying, but most are (especially most of the attractive ones) I feel like there is something wrong with me when I can't have a good time at social functions like everyone else. It is like I am missing out on this fantastic time while everyone else is taking advantage of it, but I can't help but avoid them. It is hard to tell if it is because of my insecurities or I'm just not a social person...Is there a difference?

 

Anyone who hasn't gone to college yet or is just starting, I give them this advice: Be as social as you can your first semester, because if you don't you'll miss your biggest oppurtunity to be seen/heard.

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Been thinking about this a lot too recently. I suppose you need to consider what you find interesting about life. Do you enjoy work school eat sleep motion of life? or do you need work school eat party sleep.

 

Really, I don't find partying to be NECESSARY in my life. I honestly don't care about being "social" as I don't find too many people I completely connect with at college. Even at college, people are still in high school. People are still dreaming, they are still discovering the basics of life... just in a more mature manner. Maybe you are ready for a friend that you can grow old with, and that is all you need. Personally I have 2 really good friends and thats all I care about.

 

I don't worry, as I know it is the work i do that makes me happiest, over social scenes/situations.. cuz i find partying boring. I like to do it only once in a while.

 

-ForAnother

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I have no friends. I used to have 1 or 2, but one moved away, and the other doesnt talk to me much anymore. For a while i felt like i needed friends, or that i needed to feel comfortable in groups or go to parties, so on so forth. One day it sort of struck me that the reason i dont have many friends or go to parties is because i'm not a very social person.

 

Have you concidered that perhaps you're just not a very social person?

 

And as far as women are concerned, just be yourself. It sounds hokey i know, but if you act naturally, you'll attract women that are attracted to your natural personality instead of your 'party face'

Law of averages with women too, if you're around x amount of people, y will be women, z will be ones attracted to you. If you're around any amount of people for any time, you're almost gauranteed to meet several women that you have a mutual attraction with.

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For fun...

 

I play video games with my friends... and cuz i am kinda artsy, i really enjoy talking with people about theories, and justifications for things... which leads to visual imagery which I write down and hope to some day create a film using all the theories and imagery I discover.

 

In truth, the fun i have is discovering more about me. I don't care about lots of sex like i thought I used to. I find great attraction to women, but they come as they do... I'm not the one to chase after them.

 

So what I do for fun is socialize, but it takes my 2 friends, who are very nerdy and far more intelligent than i am, for me to enjoy a conversation. At parties, talking about how much school is weighing down on their free time and how stressed they are and how alcohol/drugs are freeing them... i don't care for so much. I do like doing drugs to get a different view on things, but I don't use it consistently to downplay any stress that i have.

 

-ForAnother

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I was thinking the same thing as you mate. I am sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, and I don't like it. I called all my friends to see if they were up for anything, and they all seem to have there own things going on. One did ask if I wanted to come to a party he was going to, but made it pretty clear it would be weird for me to just turn up.

 

So yeah I agree with you Salucious, if you like a social life don’t be shy when you start college, get out there and meet people. Leave all the options open.

I am in fact thinking about going to a bar alone right now. Has anyone had any luck with meeting people at a bar when going alone?

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There are many walking in your shoes... Myself included. It sounds like being a loner bothers you, and to be honest I think that most people who aren't social go through periods of feeling down about it and being a little jealous of those who seem to be socially accepted etc. I think the truth is that there are a lot more people who are not social animals than you might think, and you shouldn't be too worried or upset by this. Our society and the media push many stereotypes and concepts of what "Normal" is into our psyche's and often cause more harm than good, especially to those who don't fall into the media proclaimed "Normal" catagory.

 

Instead of looking at the negatives of being an introvert (or loner or even anti-social if you want to call it that). First being an introvert has the benefit of independance- You are probably much more self sufficient than most in a wider variety of areas because of not relying on friends to help with those things you are either not so good at or don't care for. Second, you have more freedom both of thought and action (which can be very enlightening) as if you look closely you will find that most people who are highly social have to go along with the crowd... too much deviation and it will hurt their social status, and when part of a social group or clique often the focus and breadth of experience is limited to common ground and just by virtue of experiencing more similar viewpoints and thoughts many other thoughts / Ideas / views become obscured. And Third you will probably find that your ability to clearly see and percieve / understand the world around you is far more developed than your more social counterparts.

 

That is not to say you won't continue to struggle from time to time with the desire to be more social. But my experience with attempting to be more social is that once I infiltrate (LOL) a social group it doesn't take too long for me to realize that I am far too independent to maintain more than a few enlightened friends, and that the grass is usually only more green when viewed from the other side of the fence. BTW, I'm now almost 44 so what you are expressing is not a matter of youth or background etc. And like most things everything gets easier to deal with as you get older, although your tolerance level might get a little shorter.

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That's very like what I go through. I know what you mean. I started college this year and I can allready see the social grops forming from amoung the other freshmen and I'm not part of any. I talk to people in my classes and labs but at lunch I'm sitting quietly in the library reading or studying. Now to me this is not a big deal as I get on better alone. The trick is not to let it get to you. And it isn't true that most of the attractive women are uber outgoing they aren't. My own girlfriend used to be a model and she is not social at all. There are nice looking women who like to be alone you just have to look for them. Don't worry, loads of people feel isolated. Look at the plus side of it, you have way more time to study and that what college is really about.

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