Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I've never posted on a forum like this. Not sure why now but I guess not much of my life is going as planned.

 

My story isn't that different from everyone else on this site. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years. We lived together for 3 and had been planning to marry and have children soon. However, the past 8 months had been difficult for no specific reason. I felt him detaching and would try to communicate with him about it. He would tell me that he was stressed about various things not really related to the relationship. We even went to a couple of counseling sessions about six months ago. During our sessions, he reassured me and our counselor that he was preoccupied with anxiety and stress and was trying to learn how to handle those issues better and that his issues were his own and not about me. Despite those assurances, he continued to detach.

 

About five months ago, he came home one night and suddenly told me that he didn't want our relationship anymore and was planning to move accross the country to a town we often visited during vacations. I was stunned. He gave me little explanation, just saying that his feelings changed and he needed to do what was best for him right now. I felt extremely betrayed and hurt after all those years. He wouldn't entertain the thought of continuing therapy but wanted to continue with a friendship.

 

He has moved out of our home but has not yet moved out of state. I'm devastated, our friends are devastated, my family is shocked, even our counselor says she's shocked. I did all the things you shouldn't (beg, plead, cry, act irrationally) all at first, but have since tried to minimize my contact with him and say very little to anything to him if we happen to talk. I've told him friendship is unrealistic and he says he understands and accepts that we may never speak again.

 

Our friends have been wonderfully supportive to me and repeatedly tell me that he is not acting like himself and that I am the best thing that happened to him. Those are kind words but they don't bring him back and I'm still sad, despite hearing them. I'm sad about losing him and I'm sad to be alone at a point in my life where I had planned to have a family. I could use some words of advice about the healing process and what more I could possibly do to help myself heal. Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish I could tell you that in six months you will forget--I can't. The truth is you probably won't but I can promise you that your pain will be a little less and believe me, that will be enough to help you to continue getting up each day and moving forward with your life.

 

how could i put it any better than you already did?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Slightlybent: I know you're right but somedays, even I don't believe that the small parts of me that are improving are enough to keep me going.

 

And sadly, I hate to admit this, but I still long for a person who consistently makes no efforts toward someone who's been in his life for 9 years. Crazy isn't it? I'm a strong, independent person with a good job, home, friends, family, etc. You'd think I'd know better and you'd think I'd have some sense about me to move on and forget about him. But I tell ya, it's like every part of my being resists that action and sometimes, like today, well I just can't believe I'm where I'm at.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

didi19, you did say it well in your post to kbjinnc. I don't know that I can do better. I think the best thing that you could do is hurry it up and move on, i.e. get him to move out and do what he says he will.

 

He says that he has to do this, because has to do what is best for him. That's not love. Love is doing, wanting, hoping, working for what is best for someone else. Love is not how you feel, it's what you do. And he has not acted out of love.

 

Now, you are mourning what you thought you had, you are missing what you thought would be, you are grieving for the time and emotion invested into what you thought you had. And you are having a tough time adjusting to this new reality.

 

Go read your advice to kbjinnc again. It's good. It will take time for you to adjust and move on, but you will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

no, it's not crazy to miss him. everybody needs someone, and he was your someone for a long time. but now you have an opportunity to start fresh, and a challenge to find a man who won't jet on you for unknown reasons (they do exist). meanwhile, you get to spend some quality time focusing on YOU, and that's a blessing.

 

nobody in his or her right mind would think that the good times in your life are over at the tender age of 31. the best times, in fact, are probably ahead of you still. people get smarter as they get older, and they become better at knowing what they want... and getting it.

 

allow yourself to dream about what great things are in the cards for you, and then go out and make them happen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

slightlybent and beec: Although you probably don't think it, your words were so great and exactly what I needed to hear, so thanks!

 

I wish I could hurry along the moving on process (don't we all!). And I hate that I feel so lonely and rejected at times. What awful feelings! But both of you are right--it is time to focus on me without the pressures of taking care of and worrying about another, particularly when that other person just does not care right now.

 

I just hope this funk passes soon!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...