moving back or moving on?

[PaulMn]

Hi,

I just found this forum a week ago, and people seem to really care and want to help. I don't know if anybody can help me to be a bit less confused about my own situation:

 

I had been with my original partner for over ten years. But we had stopped talking, and had been sleeping in separate rooms for months. I saw other couples talking and holding hands, and I wanted that.

 

Then I met somebody else who really appreciated me, and we started seeing each other. I didn't try to hide it, because I thought my original relationship was already dead. So my original partner left me.

 

But I never felt ready to move on, because I missed my "family" (no kids, but we had dogs, so it felt like our family was more than just the two of us). A month ago, I was worried that my original partner might still want me or need me. So we met up, to talk about whether we should get back together. We find the idea of being a family again comforting, and we think we can fix the problems that caused the relationship to fall apart. But we both know we have different personalities that may mean we cannot really enjoy life together. We are both thinking it over for a few weeks.

 

With the new person, we talk easily and we are more relaxed together. She helped me not to repeat some of the things that damaged my original relationship. Of course, she is not happy because she thinks she is now second choice after my original partner. I see it a bit differently, that I needed to find out if I am available, before I can move on. My new friend says she has dumped me. But she has dumped me before and we got back together, so it may not be permanent.

 

I am not trying to have both of them. But I don't want to be alone. If my original partner does not need me, then I still want to try with the new person. Does that make sense, or is it unfair to everybody?

 

thanks,

 

Paul

[majord23]

But I don't want to be alone.

 

Paul, that was the most concerning part of your post for me. I'm not sure if that *is* your motivation for wanting to be in a relationship - but if it is, you need to re-evaluate how you truly feel about both of these women.

 

If I ignore your comment quoted above, my advice would be to sit down and really think about who you want to be with. Imagine if they were both available to you, who you would choose.

 

Your current girlfriend is justified in feeling like she is a consolation prize - because your post certainly reflects that that's the way you are viewing her.

I don't mean that in a mean way - it just seems that you would go back to your ex if the opportunity presented itself....regardless of your current relationship.

 

If that is the case - end it with your current girlfriend and pursue your ex. If you are unsuccessful and end up single, then it will be probably be for the best - because I think that you NEED to spend some time alone to heal...so this type of 'dilemma' doesn'r raise its ugly head again in the future.

[RescueDiver]

Well, neither individual is going to want to be seen as a runner up (would you?) If your new friend has dumped you, you may not have a choice as to who you're going to get. Just because it got patched up the last time doesn't mean it will this time. So, if I were you, I would repair any damage that was done there and honestly sit down and figure out what you want. You've had... 10 years with the one partner... if they're not working now, do you honestly believe things will ever change? Don't go back to a relationship, just for the relationship. Go back because you want to be with that person and not just "someone". If you are going to go back to the old partner understand that it's going to take some major effort to overhaul the relationship... are you prepared to invest that time and effort into fixing it?

[freedom]

geee.. i am sorry for your position. But i dont know if your decision in this whoel situation is clear to you.

Are you making a decision that you want to be with a person.. OR is it that you dont want to be ALONE.

because as it sounds to me, Youjust dont want to be ALONE and thereforeeee i would recommend that you seriously think about where you are. If you are going into a relationship based on that fact that you dont want to be alone, i think neither would work as it is not driven by wantig to be with the person but more on NOT wanting to be alone.

I think both ladies can detect that. Seems tht you have to look within yourself

[PaulMn]

Thanks everybody, this is helping me,

 

I see that I need to put aside feelings of loneliness, so I can really see how I feel about both women. I get quite depressed on my own, and that makes it hard to make a good decision. I want to be in a relationship to enjoy life with somebody else, to share experiences together. The same reason most other people do, I think.

 

I also see that any idea of keeping my new friend "on hold" while I find out if my ex wants me back, is unfair and is confusing the issue. (I lost my family and my home in the separation, so I have been wary about losing even more.)

 

I am not sure that going back to my ex would make us happy. But I felt unable to move on with my life if my ex still wanted me.

I think I might be happier with my new friend, if I know my ex is OK. If my ex says she does not want me back, then I could accept that and move on.

 

After we separated, I thought that being unhappy after ten years together showed that it didn't work. But since then, I have realised that my behaviour shut down communication, and that lead to the problems. I have had some help with the behaviour issues, so there is some reason to think things could be better in future. I would put the effort in to try and make it work.

 

If me and my ex are both unsure whether we should get back together, does that mean we should not, or does it mean we should give it a try to find out?

 

Me and my ex have both said that we might not choose each other as partners if we had just met. So I guess that means that if we are thinking about getting back together, we would be going back "for the relationship" rather than "for the person". (But I felt it would be going back for "the family")

 

I have spent months trying to figure out what I want, what is the right thing to do. My feelings kept changing, and the pain of losing my family and home made it difficult to think clearly. I want to make a decision, so I can get on with my life.

 

Is it possible to figure out a relationship by thinking about it, or is it just something you have to try - if it works it works, if not, you move on? I guess that's a separate topic, but it is troubling me.

 

Paul

[talo]

Is it possible to figure out a relationship by thinking about it, or is it just something you have to try - if it works it works, if not, you move on? I guess that's a separate topic, but it is troubling me.

 

The way to 'figure out' a relationship is not to try, but to express feeling in a feeling manner. And to respond to expressed feeling with feeling. This is relating. Relating is not some formula which is drempt up and then tried. Relationship is moment to moment feeling.

 

One does not really 'get anywhere' in relationship, one is just 'constantly in it'. It is by being constant in it, by being constantly feeling, that one is.

 

One never really moves on or moves back, one is just moved (by feeling). One is not really troubled if one is constantly feeling.

[PaulMn]

Thanks talo,

After thinking about what you said, I appreciate your description of relating. I think what you say applies to somebody in a relationship, but I am at an earlier stage, trying to decide if I should be in a relationship. I certainly have feelings that I would like to express, but isn't there also a rational conscious, choice whether to follow those feelings, or to reject them (and not start or continue a relationship)?

 

So when I asked about "is it possible to figure out a relationship" I probably should have said "is it possible to reason about whether I should be in a relationship?"

 

I am cautious about trusting my feelings, because they seem to change from week to week. I'm a designer, so for me it is natural to try to work out what is the "best answer" but I find my ability to figure things out doesn't help me when it comes to relationships.

[talo]

After thinking about what you said, I appreciate your description of relating. I think what you say applies to somebody in a relationship, but I am at an earlier stage, trying to decide if I should be in a relationship. I certainly have feelings that I would like to express, but isn't there also a rational conscious, choice whether to follow those feelings, or to reject them (and not start or continue a relationship)?

 

You are already in a feeling relationship with yourself. You may feel like sharing your relationship with yourself with someone else on an ongoing basis. If so, you continue to feel your way, tentatively, slowly, into such a relationship. Isn't this being fully rational, fully conscious?

 

What choice does one really have but to follow one's feelings? If I am not following my feelings, I am following my thoughts (imaginations), and so I am not really present. I am only really present when I am a fully feeling being.

 

So when I asked about "is it possible to figure out a relationship" I probably should have said "is it possible to reason about whether I should be in a relationship?"

 

Isn't feeling a good enough reason? Or are you after the perfect reason?

 

I am cautious about trusting my feelings, because they seem to change from week to week. I'm a designer, so for me it is natural to try to work out what is the "best answer" but I find my ability to figure things out doesn't help me when it comes to relationships

 

If your feelings are changing from week to week, they are telling you that you are not really settled 'where you are'. This is not necessarily about where you are physically, but where you are in your mind. This may well be because you are trying to think out the best answer. In order to find the best (perfect) answer one has to have _all_ the information, which is an impossibility.

[PaulMn]

Since I talked to her, my ex has had time to think about what she wants. She decided she does not want to get back together. When she told me, I was sad to start with, but then a little relieved. I don't think either of us were confident that we would actually enjoy life if we got back together.

 

I needed to find out what she felt. I was concerned about her future, and felt responsible, but now it is clear that she has a better chance of building the kind of future she wants without me. At least I know now, and we can both move on.