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how often?


monkey1
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we don't live together, and we talk once in the afternoon (around lunch-time) and it lasts for about 5 mins. Then we talk again around 6-ish, after work and it lasts for another 5 mins. Then we call each other to say good night, which lasts approx. 20 mins.

 

We don't really call to "check in" or anything, it's not like that. But I sometimes wish we didn't talk as often.

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In the best case scenario is just naturally falls into a routine both are happy with with little "discussion" about expectations. It depends on the day but we talk at least once day, at least 30 minutes per day, exchange some emails, etc. On certain days I wish we talked more (and on those days it is because one or both of us is very busy and can't talk long) and on others I feel that he calls a bit too often (that is rare, but there are times). I like the nightly conversation before we go to sleep. What I also like is that we never really run out of things to say and typically after we hang up I remember something I forgot to tell him (which I usually save for the next time we talk).

 

I have been in relationships where even at the 2 or 3 month mark there are still issues over frequency of communication or reliability. Not a great situation for me because at that early stage I am not comfortable asking for more frequent communication (although I am fine with expressing concern over unreliability). In other cases I have found that the guy calls too often out of insecurity or is checking up on me and I have very low tolerance for that.

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My bf and I talk really often. He calls me at work in the morning (15 minutes). Then he calls once or twice in the evening (anywhere from 30 min to 2 hours). But it isn’t so important how often you talk. What matters is how well you communicate. We talk a lot, but I feel like it’s empty conversation. Often I have nothing to say, so I just stay quiet. Then he keeps going on and on about nothing.

 

But then when I have something to communicate, I feel like I can’t. For example, I was having a bad day yesterday. I told him that and he actually laughed. Then he lectured me about how my life was great. Meanwhile, my grandma is sick (has less than a week to live because she stopped eating), my boss is giving me a hard time because he just found out I’m pregnant, and I am alone in a new city where I have no friends. Don’t I have the right to have a bad day sometimes?

 

I know I’m rambling, but my point is that it doesn’t matter how often you talk if you aren’t really communicating.

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I guess I just wished my bf and i talked more often.

 

See, when I wasn't working, we'd talk when he'd get home from work which was my afternoon (ldr and he's 8 hours head). I've finally got a job and we can't IM from work. I was have a hard time adjusting to working (been out of work for almost 7 months. Anyway, I texted him a lot but it's expensive (25 cents per text beacuse it's international) and I told him that we can email each other since I have access to email at work and we can cut down on expensive text messages.

 

I'd tell him what's going on at work and such, but he'd email me back saying "i'm tired and watching tv." that's it. i kind of felt like it was a waste of time bothering emailing. And today, I didn't hear from him at all. We had a bit of an argument online last night.

 

i guess that's why i asked how frequently others talk to their SO's.

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How much time did you spend dating in person? Often ldrs can be based mostly on fantasy since you don't have consistent in person time together. I would back off and let him contact you and unless you have plans to live in the same place in the very near future I would date others. Just my humble opinion.

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he's visited a couple times, Batya33. Yeah, I'm just backing off. No sense in wasting my time in trying to contact him. He called me last night which was almost 5am this time saying hi and he was going to bed (he works on little sleep a lot of the time) and I got annoyed because he was sleepy and not saying and then said "well, i'm gonna go since you're not saying anything." it was dumb.

 

oh well. i'll just go about things and see what happens.

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he's visited a couple times, Batya33. Yeah, I'm just backing off. No sense in wasting my time in trying to contact him. He called me last night which was almost 5am this time saying hi and he was going to bed (he works on little sleep a lot of the time) and I got annoyed because he was sleepy and not saying and then said "well, i'm gonna go since you're not saying anything." it was dumb.

 

oh well. i'll just go about things and see what happens.

 

So - basically you've had a few dates with this guy and the rest is just typing and talking. I don't think that's a strong basis for a relationship particularly given his reluctance to communicate with you. I agree with you entirely.

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So - basically you've had a few dates with this guy and the rest is just typing and talking. I don't think that's a strong basis for a relationship particularly given his reluctance to communicate with you. I agree with you entirely.

 

No, it's much more than that. It's a really long, complicated story. You'll find out more if you do a search for threads I've posted. It's been a rough year for me emotionally. It's actually quite a strong relationship considering, but it's too much to explain.

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No, it's much more than that. It's a really long, complicated story. You'll find out more if you do a search for threads I've posted. It's been a rough year for me emotionally. It's actually quite a strong relationship considering, but it's too much to explain.

 

How many days total have you spent together in person?

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Couple weeks. We haven't had any problems up until recently (been together a couple years), but i think it's due to the lack of not being able to see each other and sorting out our own lives with regards to work and finances. I know for me especially, having dealt 7 months not being able to find work and becoming depressed made me difficult to deal with.

 

I'm just trying to get back into the work mode and trying to balance the relationship with work. Wouldn't be so hard it there wasn't the time difference.

 

It's just about communicating needs I think and compromising.

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Couple weeks.

 

If I were you I would view this relationship from the perspective that you've only been dating for a few weeks total and then consider your expectations from that perspective. Your typing/talking relationship doesn't really "count" for purposes of seeing if you are compatible long term in a romantic relationship or marriage -- psychologists say, and I agree that LDRs of this sort are largely based on fantasy.

 

My guess is given the obstacles if you had consistent in person time together for 6-9 months you would see in reality whether those were truly obstacles. Many of my coupled friends have serious work and financial problems (and health problems) and they manage. It's all about how well you know each other in person and the effort you're willing to put in to make it work - which often goes back to how well you know each other in person. If your friend told you she'd been dating someone a few weeks and had these issues, what would you advise her?

 

Just my humble opinion. I hope you find someone to date in person closer to home but more than that I hope you are able to deal with the situations in your life and become fulfilled and independent in the near future.

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