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Playing Games or Simply Clueless?!

Celestial Fire

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Here's the situation:


I had a date one week ago with a man who answered my personal ad in April. It started off great (doesn't it always?): thoughtful, entertaining emails progressing to great conversations by phone. He kept telling me how attractive he found my photo, and how much he enjoyed talking with me. He was very interested in meeting me, but we both had plans for the summer and he asked that we keep in touch until I returned from a trip to London (that's another story!) in July. He promptly disappeared weeks before my trip, and he didn't keep in touch as he said he would.


I didn't hear from him for two months and was pretty much resigned to the fact that, once again, I had been rudely cut loose by a man who had expressed great interest in me. Story of my life for the past 5 years, so I've gotten pretty used to it. Then, suddenly, he turns up again, telling me that he's had open-heart surgery to correct a genetic defect and that's why he hadn't been in touch. Would someone make up something like this? Hard to tell. He seemed very apologetic and kept assuring me that his problem was genetic and that he wasn't suffering from heart disease. I guess to reassure me he wouldn't keel over during sex. He told me that he was glad that I answered his email and that he hoped I wasn't angry and that we could continue to get to know each other.


Anyway, we resumed emailing and phoning and he finally set a date to meet. Dinner after work, at a restaurant of my choice. I found a decent place and we met. He shook my hand, then suddenly hugged me and told me that my photo didn't do me justice, and that I was lovely. We had a nice evening and he was incredibly polite and thoughtful about everything, and again expressed great interest in me. He's an ex-Army colonel and a West Point grad -- maybe that partially explains his chivalrous behavior -- opening doors, helping with my coat, asking me to order whatever I liked. At the end of the evening, he insisted on walking me back to my car even though I had parked a distance away.


The moment of truth came as he opened my car door for me. He asked "Would it be alright with you if I kiss you good night?" I said yes, and he kissed and hugged me. He said, "I'll call you," and I got in my car and drove away. I had only been home for 5 minutes when he called. He told me he was making sure I had gotten home alright, and that he'd had a lovely time, and that he'd be in touch. I had had a nice time, too, and was hopeful that now we had met maybe we would see what would happen.


Sounds good, huh? Except that it's now been a week and I haven't heard a word from him. I realize that when a guy says, "I'll call you," that usually means he's not interested. But why kiss a woman good night if you're not interested? Why tell her how lovely she is? Why not just say, "It's been nice meeting you," and leave it at that? I think there are ways to make it obvious that you're not interested without muddling it all up with good night kisses and making noises about calling her!


Of course I've thought maybe something has happened to him. Maybe he dropped dead somewhere. Who knows? Maybe his heart surgery was botched. I've also thought that maybe he was waiting for me to call him first. He told me that the only way he could have met me was over the internet because I was the kind of woman he wouldn't have the courage to approach in every day life. Maybe he's insecure and needs me to make some kind of overture. Maybe he's simply not interested and, despite his impeccable table manners, doesn't have the simple courtesy to just plain tell me so and let me get on with my life without wondering what the hell went wrong. Maybe he's gone on to better prospects who invite him home and jump into bed with him winthin hours of first setting eyes on him.


I'm tempted to email him to find out...but that's not my usual method of operation. My feeling is, he said he would call me. If he doesn't call, he's obviously not all that interested (or dead, as I said before). Either way, it's all over, right? I've never been the type to cajole, manipulate or maneuver a man into dating me, although that seems to be what it takes with way too many of these guys. What's so difficult about finding a man who simply wants to be with a woman without all of this angst?! I can't see myself calling or emailing any man who goes out with me and doesn't call for a week. I think silence is the best option -- at least I don't make a fool of myself and he can think that I just don't care. Which is better than him knowing that my feelings are hurt that he couldn't at least tell me he's not bloody interested.


This guy is only one of three men in the last 6 months who have done the approach-avoidance thing and frankly, I'm sick of it. I think I'll start looking in some windswept, dismal country where there are more men than women and sell myself off to a man who's so desperate for a warm body to cuddle up next to that he makes a beeline right for me instead of this come-here-go-away stuff. I'm not demanding that a man fall crazy mad in love with me at first sight, but don't I at least deserve some respect and some straight talk about whether he's even interested in another date?!

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oh, I've had guys do this to me also.


it sucks, is so confusing. like I just told hurleybabe in her thread, don't overthink it. it is likely nothing you have done. he could have gotten back in touch with an ex, or met someone he likes better.


anyways, I would forget about it. he isn't a man of his word, at least not to you, and you don't need the confusion.


at least it was only one date, and not a long time thing.


don't assume a man is lying when he says, "I'll call you." you'll find out if he means it when he actually DOES or DOESN'T call you.


like I said, I've been there, it's confusing, it sucks, but don't worry too much about it.


something tells me he will pop back in 3 months from now and pretend that nothing happened. some guy did that to me, and I sure gave him a piece of my mind!

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Maybe he's married or in a long term relationship. He met you for dinner.... and now either can't find the time to get away or is feeling guilty.


Hate to be so callous about it.. but there it wouldn't be the first time a "married" guy tried testing the waters and went fishing to see what he's worth on the market.


If he is married... count yourself lucky if he doesn't call you again. The ones that pursue and try to sit their a55 on two chairs will take you for a wild ride. One you could well do without.

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Yes, as it is, woman can also be confusing as well, with that whole, come here and go away thing as well and it suxs from this side as well....but then again, circumstance could play into things as well, sometimes some understanding instead of speculation and getting into ones head, would help. and again, to, if one could also be open enough to tell the other if your wanted or needed would help some of the come here, go away thing....but most people dont open up that much to see what will happen, hence the go away, come here thing....

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A week isn't thaaat long. Some people just operate on stretchy timelines.


You could give him a quick, warm, friendly call on some topic of interest - hey, I saw a article about this guy who had open heart surgery and thought of you blah blah - or something like that. Then get off the phone without angling for another date. (Assuming he hasn't asked you out again at that point.)


That way it doesn't look like you're pursuing him, you're just being warm and friendly. If he wasn't interested, you've shown you're self assured enough to handle it with no hard feelings.


Yet, if he wanted to call but felt nervous, you've given him some encouragement and he now knows he's still in with a chance.


Best of all, if he really isn't that interested, you can walk away with no regrets, knowing you did all that you could.


Good luck!!

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I wouldn't call him.


This guy doesn't sound like he is on the level at all. My gut feeling is he's not being honest.


You are right - you deserve someone who WILL call you because you are an amazing woman and he can't wait to see you again - not someone who a) could be married or committed elsewhere b) is doing a lot of dating with a lot of girls he met in the personals. You may not be the only one.


I found this out the hard way with someone I met online. The nicest, sweetest guy I thought I'd met - opened all the doors, carried my bags - did everything right except the most important thing of all - be honest.


I know its tough out there. I've got rejected a couple of times this year and it get hard to keep picking yourself up. But there HAS to be someone out there for you. I think the same for myself.


Kick him to the curb or He'd better have a good excuse!! Maybe this time he went for open brain surgery!!? lol ( not meaning to be demeaning here about surgery - this is just a joke!)


Hugs Gfish

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Thanks to everyone who responded. While it may be true that a week isn't that long, it seems like quite a stretch coming from a man who used to call 2 - 3 times per week. My feeling is, that if he were interested, that frequency wouldn't diminish. Maintain, or even increase, yeah. But diminish? He ain't interested. Or, like many of you suggested, he's married. Ain't calling him, and I deleted his phone number from my caller ID and his address from my email. Done.


I guess I'm just fed up with 5 years of being dragged down the primrose path, so to speak. I seem to attract men who come on strong, and, despite my level-headed approach of trying to keep the brakes on them and giving them a chance to think, eventually wear me down or hook me emotionally, and I succumb. The minute I do -- BAM. I'm mercilessly cut loose. This included a man who exerted great pressure for me to be exclusive and then become engaged to him. It was even his idea to look for my ring. But when I capitulated, and visited the jeweller's with him, I got dumped!


My trip to London was another fisaco of just the same kind. I'm a sucker for Englishmen, but even so, I resisted this guy's moony transatlantic phone calls about how he was "in love" with my words and my voice for quite some time. Even when he invited me to visit him for "a couple of months" I was still pretty cool about it and agreed to one week. After 3 days during which he behaved like a walking corpse, he suddenly loosened up and we had a great time and a fabulous night together. Next day? Song and dance about how he hadn't been in a relationship (or had sex) for 5 years, was afraid he wasn't any good at romantic relationships and only wanted to be friends! I thought maybe he could have figured that out before I flew 3,000 miles, but what do I know?


Well...what the hell. I got a free trip to London out of the whole thing, plus I didn't spend a penny on hotels or food because I stayed with this guy who was so damned in love with me ... as long as the Atlantic ocean was between us. I even asked him if he chose to get involved with an American because she'd be far enough away to make a relationship essentially impossible and he said, "Maybe." Hah! Sad part is that I really got to like him while I was with him and it was a major disappointment which I've been getting over since I came back.


And there's one more ... another guy who indicated interest, then, wisely, reneged because he's just gotten out of an abusive and messy relationship. He actually apologized for answering my ad when he wasn't ready! I thought that was very mature and sensible. He went away. Came back and asked if we could be friends. I agreed, because I genuinely like him and enjoy his company. We met and had an absolute blast for 8 hours -- strictly friendly. Another moment of truth: he asked if he "should" kiss me good night. I thought, wait a minute! You told me you wanted to be friends because you're not ready for a relationship and now you want to kiss me?! Talk about mixed signals. I declined the kiss to keep things on the straight and narrow that he indicated he wanted. He sent an email the next day saying he had found me very attractive and wanted to kiss me, but when I refused it was for the best since he wasn't ready for a relationship, blah, blah, blah. Which I thought we had already gone over! Have I heard from him again? One email in 2 weeks, saying he's been sick. No phone calls, even though we used to talk a couple times a week when we were friends. I'm getting the impression that he's offended or feeling rejected because I wouldn't kiss him! Like I want to kiss him, perhaps become interested in him, and then inevitably be dumped because he's not ready for a relationship! I'm not stupid enough to crawl into that trick bag again. I guess if I lose his friendship because I'm trying to protect both of us, then so be it.


Maybe I'm stupid for willing to give things a try, no matter how far-fetched they may seem (like the London thing). But you never know where you may find the right fit with someone. Or a good friendship, which is just as important in its own way. It shouldn't be this complicated and frustrating, but somehow, it always is.

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I think the essense here with online/Ad/personals relationships is you have to proceed with caution!


I've been burnt a good few times by them. It's easy to say "I love you " and be in love with the dream of love. But the reality of it -when you are physically there - is probably too much for these men. They're either not ready for it - or when they get you - they don't want you (another sign of immaturity)


I suppose count yourself lucky - that these guys weren't "man enough" for you or to put it another way "you are too much woman" for them.


I think maybe stop looking in personals or overseas I Stopped the online thing!) Try the bar approach (sit at the bar on a Sunday afternoon when its not busy with a newspaper)...or my friend recently suggested shopping in a male shop and saying to a cute guy......I'm buying this for my bro's birthday- you're the same size...would you mind trying it on for me? She's had a lot of success with that!


I don't think the problem is you - though think long and hard before you fly to LOndon or anywhere to see a man. Let them do the flying - even if they did pay for your ticket..... They have to work for your love! Make them work.


I know your frustration as I also have it!! There has to be some good men left! Please God!

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Thanks, Goldfish!


It's good to know that I'm not the only one having these weird problems. It's so frustrating when you don't know what the hell is going on and you blame yourself. I'm an attractive woman, and friends tell me they don't understand why men aren't lining up at my door. But at this point, I feel ugly and lonely and hopeless. All I see are other women in stable, long-term relationships or marriage and I'm still out here with no one to share anything with. It's been YEARS now, and I'm losing hope that I'll ever find a man who's serious about me. Honestly? I'm losing hope I'll ever even get a second date! And sex? What's THAT? Can't remember.


As for flying to London...we discussed it and I chose to go to London since I've wanted to go there since I was a kid. There was no way I was going to miss an opportunity like that! Aside from the disappointment, it was wonderful and I had the time of my life.


Like you said, my friends tell me these guys just aren't man enough...and I think you're right about the online thing. I read that 2/3 of the people doing online dating are introverts (me included). I think the essential problem is that with those odds, I'm getting introverted men who can't cope with anything more than phone calls, email and fantasy. You'd think they'd be more sensitive and thoughtful -- and they are, to some extent. But they apparently can't handle real women and real life situations interacting with them. They will protect their comfort zone and their own feelings at the cost of another's. When it comes down to it, the only man who's hung in there (even though I'm the one who ended the relationship) was an extrovert! He's been there for me as a friend for years, and he, too, can't understand why these men are passing on me. He's not compatible with me because he's such an extrovert, but I'm more and more willing to settle for someone who doesn't disappear on me!

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Celestial Fire. Don't lose heart. There has to be someone out there! I feel exactly the same as you!!! You know what you are probably way too threatening for most of these men.....


I also have been losing hope!! But try not to....we have our health......we are independent, we can go out when with like, with who with like...we are FREE to travel the world if we want. I guess lets try and look at SINGLEDOM as a positive thing!!!


Lots of hugs...and keep me posted on your dating!! Good Luck



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In the meantime ladies... while we are all waiting for our prince charmings.....


why don't you read some great books!!!


The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love by Jill Conner Browne



actually there are a series of books about the SWEET POTATO QUEENS... and they talk about some of the trials and tribulations of being a gorgeous woman and trying to find a good man..... or darn it.. a DATE!!!!! in a very humorous way.... it'll tickle your funny bone and lift your spirts.


I just picked up THE SWEET POTATO QUEENS BOOK on Wedding Planning and DIVORCE... Its a riot!!!

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