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did i do the right thing?


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man, im getting tired here. for the past 3 months, my ex and i have been in constant contact. we'd try NC for a few days, and one of us would fail at it. anyway, i suspect she's seeing someone else already, but wont tell me since she doesnt want me "out of her life" at all. this concept of hers strung me along, gave me false hope, and made me lose my self respect and in turn, lost her respect for me as well.

 

for the first time in a long time, i dont feel bogged down as much anymore. I still love her and would do anything to have her back but too many words have been said, too many things have been done, too many other people have become involved in this to even try to make things work. ive extended my hand out there for her and told her so many times, i want to make it work, but all ive gotten are once a day phone calls and stories about her going out with another guy.

 

granted i wasnt the best bf, i do want to make it work, but its not gonna happen if im the only one who desires to do so, and im stuck with literally one phone call a day now.

 

the thing that pushed me was how she vehemently denied she didnt want to date anyone yet when i asked about the other guy she said "she doesnt know what will happen to them in the future". also, she said I wasnt fun anymore,always bringing her down (why call then???everyday???) and i havent seen her (ive asked her times) in a long time. she said, "i'll call you tomorrow". and like an idiot, believed her. in short, she didnt. that's the first time she ever did that. not call. but since then she tried to get a hold of me once and i havent picked up. i havent called either. no more.

 

I spoke/counseled with a social worker yesterday (for 3hours!) and she advised i remove myself from someone like that, bipolar, trauma victim, "a taker" not a giver, a previous cutter, has a history of drugs, young, and among other things. granted she's an awesome person and I love her and was able to look past her negative qualities, she's only stringing me along to hurt me and get the reactions I give her when she does. Ive gone NC and Im going to hold on to it.for once.

 

I have been feeling depressed, BUT i have been going out and meeting people. the other night, i went out with 3 women to a bar, and i was the only guy.... hehehehe.

 

this week, im going to a another bar with a bunch of hispanic women (im asian) where i got invited to.

 

its just so hard to pretend sometimes that the burning sensation in your chest doesnt exist.

 

i just want to get better now. if she wants to work something out, she will find a way, right now i have to focus on other things. like my life.

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I too decided to go out to a bar, last night to be exact. I to felt that pain in my chest. It was good to get out and talk to different people, but you right in that the pain was always there.

 

I can only say emotions dominate logic, and sometimes its hard to determine which you should follow and can be extremely difficult. Most people looking in will tell you to follow logic, at least until your emotions can be kept in check and you're able to think. Which is what it seem you're trying to do.

 

In my pittiful attempt to add a little humor, I look to the movie "What about Bob" I'm sure you have seen it. If you have, just take Leo Marvin's advice which is "Baby Steps" and one day at a time.

 

Wish I could be of more help, Hang in my friend. Hang in.

 

John

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ha. we're both named john.

 

the thing that i hate is that, each day that goes by, she feels farther from me than ever. Like ive lost her, and that she will forget about me, and wouldnt appreciate what we've had anymore and how important i am to her (she's upset I have to leave her when she starts dating other people, which is crazy) that the further I walk away the more she walks away from me as well. like two people walking the opposite directions, even though she was to walk the same direction towards the same place i wanted to.only without me. like, if could only do something! i cant get my head straight with my heart. my heart is willing to go through the hurt just to show her I love her, but my mind says otherwise, that I should leave it, make things better and that I deserve something more than friendship and unrequited love.

 

she's the best i've ever had, i walk around school, watch TV shows, look at the women in the bars, I havent found anyone I could compare her with as of yet. she was perfect for me. her imperfections were something I was willing to live with. her face,her body,her drives, her mind, her humor, her persona. but i wasnt enough. that's what hurts. ive made mistakes I cant make up for. and she never forgave me for them. I forgave her for hers, but never mine. my Soc.Wrkr said that two dysfuntional people can make up for a chaotic, yet functional relationship, but once one got better, it creates more chaos and breaks the relationship apart. I'm hoping that's what happened with us in the unconscious level, since I believe i've changed so much for her, to be a better partner.

 

I just hope going NC on her would help me move on, get my head straight. and hopefully one day we can try it again once more.

 

PS: one thing i hate about myself is that I am a bad listener. I easily forget what the other person says or have said. I wonder how I can better myself with that?

 

sorry folks, just feeling depressed today.

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Hi, looks like you know you have to move on and leave this behind, you will when your heart catches up with your head my friend.Its an awful feeling but to hold on or try to hold on to someone who has someone else in the picture is never going to make things work. Thats her decision. youve said it yourself, you deserve more, this takes time , the bigger the trauma the longer the time , We lose our sense of belonging and direction .but fire must eventually burn out . let it. dont keep refueling it . move on heal and get what you deserve.

stay safe

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I know. But the thing is, I wanted to be part of her life more than she wanted me to be in hers. she wanted me to be there but i couldnt handle it. She calls me up everyday, kept me from moving on.

 

but i dont know if NC is the way to go really. but its the only thing i havent tried.

 

I walk around with this heavy heart in my chest. I keep thinking about her. I havent seen her in weeks. I know she's seeing the other guy. She knows im not happy with everything, but hasnt done anything other than call to say hi. of course it never went pleasantly, since I was too hurt to actually be pleasant to her.

 

it has been one big miscommunication of intention. she thinks i'm upset that she's hanging out with other groups of people. she thinks that i'm upset that she watches the shows, that she has a life of her own. I'm not. I only wanted her love. that was it. now that i started this NC, which I know she's upset with, I have this unexplainable fear.

 

Grrr. why does she have to be so pretty?

why does she have to be so personable?

why does she have to be so intelligent?

why does she have to be so amazing in bed?

why do i have to be so on love with her?

why do I have to keep feeling this way?

why cant i be happy?

why cant i just forget about her?

why cant she just love me?

 

i know she wants to experience life, and i know she has a full one ahead of her. this bastrd of a guy stepped in between us when we broke up. offered his shoulder to cry on, became her "friend". and now they're spending a lot of time together.

 

i will be the ex, whom she will forget over time.

he will be the man who will stay with her as a friend, and even more.

I wanted to be that man whom she will have the rest of her life.

 

and she doesnt even know that. she just let me go.

 

ugh. i hate self pity.

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