Need advice - Will NC work? SuperDave- you out there?

[ebsmith1]

I need some help going into this NC thing! Here's my whole story...

 

 

I met my ex when I was still married and pregnant. My marriage was on the rocks and I found out through the grapevine that this guy was interested in me. So I left my husband, not because of this guy, but because our marriage was over. I instantly fell madly in love with this guy but thought it might be a rebound. However after 3 years I just knew that he was "the one". I thought we had a great relationship. We never fought, he was great with my kids and we were together all the time. Towards the end we were looking at apartments and he was planning to move in with me until we found something bigger. We'd even started packing his apartment. I was pushy about getting married. I wanted to go ahead and do it and he was still pretty nervous. He said he knew he wanted to marry me, but he had such a bad marriage the first time that he had a lot of fears about the second one not working either. But, on July 15th he proposed. It was a beautiful night and when he asked he had the look in his eyes of a man in love. He looked as though he would be devestated if I said no. We had already bought wedding rings, I bought my dress, we picked a date and were starting on the guest list. He took me to a dinner for the civic group he is in and announced it.

 

Then one night before he went out of town we got in a fight. I was upset that he was going home to see his father (now I wonder if it was his father) when he was going to be on vacation the following two weeks and was going there then anyway. I was just having a bad day and said "I hope you aren't going to leave me all of the time like this when we are married like my ex-husband did". So he left and didn't call me for three days. When I finally heard from him he said that he had just needed some time to think about what had happened. He came back and we talked. He admitted to cheating on me once a year before and told me how sorry he was. He said he was really scared about getting married and wanted to put the wedding off. He said he would go to counseling and that he wanted us to start going to church. I told him I wouldn't mention the wedding again until he was ready. He said he wanted to stay engaged and work on it. He also asked for the two weeks he was on vacation to think about things and just be on his own. Right before the vacation we took my kids out of town and had a great time. He went on vacation and we didn't talk. When he came back I asked him if everything was cool with us and he said that it was. He acted as if nothing was wrong. The night he broke up with me seemed totally normal. We went out to eat, went shopping and even went to the jewelry store where he bought my ring to tell the girl he bought if from how he proposed. Then he came home and broke up with me.

 

We both had a lot of tears and he said that he was depressed and that he just needed to work himself out and it was too hard to be with me knowing that he couldn't give me what I give him. We saw each other the next day and it was the same story. But, three days later I saw him with another girl. The following week he asked me to go with him to a picnic. I went and after it we talked. He said it was "still going to be me". Two days later he spent the night with me and I asked him about the other girl. He said that right now they were just friends and she lives in another state. I told him I couldn't "date" him if he was going to date other people. So he set a date up with me a few days later and completely stood me up. After that I sent him an e-mail that said to let me ask a few questions and say goodbye. He e-mailed me back and asked me for time to "get right and do stupid things" and start seeing a therapist. He's still seeing this other girl and I've been terrible with the NC. A few days ago I broke it with a real causal e-mail and he responded. Then I sent him another one and asked if we could go out to dinner without any pressure and he's ignoring me again. So I sent him another one and basically said that I love him but I'm going to give him his space for real this time.

 

 

Is there any hope? I love this man and I think he's just really scared and rebounding. Do men respond to NC the same way women do? I just love him too much to give up. I don't believe he would have proposed to me if he didn't really love me.

 

Thanks for making it this far.

[ebsmith1]

Shameless bump. I'm struggling today!

[Scout]

The night he broke up with me seemed totally normal. We went out to eat, went shopping and even went to the jewelry store where he bought my ring to tell the girl he bought if from how he proposed. Then he came home and broke up with me.

 

I...am speechless. This has to be one of the coldest things I've ever read here on eNotalone about a break up. You do not fondly recall to a jewelry salesperson how you proposed to your fiance and then proceed to dump her that same night.

 

Listen, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but for your sake I hope NC doesn't make him come back. Based on everything you write, I see no hope in this ever being a secure relationship for you. I can practically guarantee if you two did get back together and even get married he will cheat on you - again.

 

This man does not feel the same way about you that you feel about him. Hon, I really feel that some therapy would benefit you. It's important you figure out if you are holding onto the idea of you two based on what you wish would happen, as opposed to the reality of what has happened while you two have been together.

[SuperDave71]

ebsmith1,

 

 

I am here. I have been hiding in the shadows lately but I am still around. This ex of yours is not worthy of you. I know this is not hat you want to hear but the truth of it is, is ISN'T. I completely agree with Scout on this one and I suggest you let him go.

 

In my opinion, if a man wants to get married and he agrees without added pressure, he loves you with all of his heart. If you have pressured him and he agrees, is that love? I think not. I am not agreeing with his actions whatsoever and I think you have been physically and emotionaly betrayed.

 

It's not easy to let go of someone you love, but with time and effort you will realize that though you may have loved him....what is love if he didn't love you back.

 

 

Let me know what you think and take care of yourself ok?

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

Thanks. No, it isn't what I want to hear. I love this man so much and it's tearing me apart not being with him. He always told me that he would never propose unless it was what he really wanted to do, even with my pressure. I guess I was wrong. It just hurts so much to think that all three years of our life together was a lie and all of the plans we made were only what I wanted and not what he wanted as well, even though he said he did. I'm just so shocked to think that he would go to so much trouble with the proposal, asking my family, and planning the wedding if he didn't love me. This is awful. I know I should be happy that I am free to find someone better, but I don't feel happy at all. I'm miserable. I've been in NC for about a week and haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect that I will. How do you go from planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, to nothing!

[SuperDave71]

The answer is simple...

 

 

Day by Day..

 

 

Not trying to be som simplistic. I know it is beyond difficult, but it can be done.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

Forgot to mention that I'm already in therapy and was before this happened. He promised me that he would go and see someone after we broke up. I guess the new girl is the "someone" he decided to see. It's very hard to love someone so much and have to admit to yourself that they are a complete fraud. It's very hard for me to get away from him too. He works in radio and is on every station I like to listen to, so I've had to settle for music I hate just to get away from his voice. He also lives accross the street from a restaurant that's owned by one of my dearest friends and was always my hang out. It's where I met him. I've had to turn my whole life upside down just to avoid breaking down. Not to mention that I have two little kids who fell in love with him too. He sat there with me while I told them about what they would be doing in our wedding. They still ask when he's coming back and when we are getting married. I can't make them understand, because I don't!