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I have no friends... and other stuff


colossus
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I'm a very sheltered girl. I don't really have any friends. I'm friendly enough at school, and just by the looks of it, you'd never guess that I was such a lonely and unhappy person. I know how to make friends by being friendly and chatty so I always make a friend or two in my classes. The problem is once those classes end, so do the friendships. Plus, I never get too close to these people anyway. I'd like to have a nice group of friends, even just one or two close friends in whom I can confide in and stuff, but I feel like it's too late. I don't want people finding out once they get closer to me that I'm really such a loner.

 

I failed out of university after two years of taking random courses, with really no sense of direction. The problem was (and still is) that I am too much of a perfectionist. I don't mind working hard for the grade, but whenever I try my best and fail to arrive at the grade that I want, I become extremely discouraged. And then also, I have trouble raising my hand in class or contributing to class discussions, so it becomes that much harder to really engage with the material being taught. That's when I stop trying and stop going to class altogether. Hence all the F's and W's on my transcript that has lead me to where I am right now, at a community college that I hate.

 

I'm excessively shy and have a blushing problem. I blush at moments when really, there should be no reason to blush. It's gotten so bad that I avoid situations where I'm afraid my face might get hot and then I feel so ashamed I want to cry. I literally want to stab myself whenever I start blushing.

 

I've never dated, never been kissed, never even held a boy's hand. I also have an extremely low self-esteem and am very self-critical. I think I'm not attractive enough NOR smart enough to ever amount to anything. I feel like you must either be extremely smart, or extremely attractive in order to win at life. Otherwise, you're doomed to a life of mediocrity. The funny thing is, you would think, "if she wants to be attractive, why doesn't she help herself out putting on makeup and wearing flattering clothes??" But no, I see all of that as pointless as I know it won't change my ugliness. I can hide it with makeup and clothes, but it's always there.

 

So my life is this endless routine of going to school then coming home. I never go out, since I don't have any friends. I see all these pretty girls at my college, and I always come home dejected because they remind me of my need to be "perfect" so that I would be more "valuable" than them. The saddest thing is I know my youth is slipping past me but I can't do anything about it.

 

I don't know what to do. I REALLY AM SO PATHETIC! I don't even know how to drown myself with alcohol because 1) i've never had any alcohol before, and 2) i'm to afraid to walk into stores and interact with the people there. Sorry for writing so much.

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I'm not going to harp on about how I know how you feel, because I don't think that will help. But what I will say is that much of your post struck a chord with me.

 

That said, I can try to help. I think you need to stop thinking that there is some objective standard to which you have to measure up. There isn't someone somewhere watching you, even from on high, judging your success in life against that of the other girls who seem to you to be doing so well. At the end of the day, we have to make our own happiness and we need to realise that what is good enough for ourselves is absolutely all that matters, regardless of how 'pathetic' or 'uncool' it might seem to those who appear balanced.

 

So with that in mind, try concentrating on the things that you love to do. Do your hobbies and indulge your passions - if those things make you happy then drown yourself in them and don't let anyone or anything take them away from you, least of all the perceived idea that they aren't normal or cool. Maybe if you do something you're good at, or feel you achieve something through an activity that you love, you'll start to see yourself outwith the standard scale of money/education/looks and consider yourself worthwhile in a different way, but a way which is no less valid.

 

That is the way I try to look at things. Your problem with friends though - I can't really help you there since I feel that way an awful lot myself. I find it difficult to know when a friendship passes the point of acquaintance and so I never take the initiative and my would-be friendships usually fade to nothing. Things were so much simpler in school, but there we have it.

 

Hopefully someone older and wiser can help you on that front. But from the point of view of your self-esteem, try and remember that the normal arbiters of success in today's material-and-aesthetics-obsessed society are flawed and, even if you had them all covered, they wouldn't bring about true happiness. Find something where you can be in your element then forget the rest!

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i agree

u can always join a christian charismatic group or sport

dont worry if u blush and stuff i have a problem with my habnds trembling when people watch it

and the less i cared about it shaking or trembling the less it happened

its not about all looks, for me this year i was attracted to girls personalities

instead of looks, just work on urself

i always give this website out since its really helped me change my thinking so please give it a try

work on urslef girl and u wouldnt believe how much guys will love ur personality and ur physical beauty

 

link removed

 

its along road on working on urself but once u start youll improve

all the best n i bet ur beautifull outside and in.....but more on the inside

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I had similar problems a few years ago (and still do, but to a lesser extent) until I got Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it helps you change your negative thought patterns, eg:

I’m really such a loner.

I REALLY AM SO PATHETIC!

I’m not attractive enough NOR smart enough to ever amount to anything.

And recognising that these thought patterns only reinforce these negative attidues to yourself, making you think that there isn't any point, and that you are really worthless. Heres the thing though, you aren't. You've probably just been taught that you are. The next time you think something like 'I'm ugly/stupid/worthless/unlikeable' challenge the thought.

 

Another thing I've learned is that if you assume you'll fail, and not try, you end up with exactly what your afraid of getting! Your afraid to talk to people, because your afraid of being alone.

 

 

I would refuse to go into my hometown because I thought people from my school would judge me, and think I'm a loser.

1: People don't actually see you like you do. Your constantly insulting yourself, they aren't. I'm guessing you see yourself in a far more critical light than others do.

2: Some people have issues, and will be like 'look at her hair/face/clothes'. SO WHAT?!

 

I live in the UK, so access to therapy is very easy for me, I had to wait a few months, but it was all free. I don't know if you live in somewhere with free healthcare, if you don't, your college must have a councillor/therapist of some kind. Above all, please start defending yourself from yourself.

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  • 1 year later...

That's an interesting name for someone who considers themselves to be shy and sheltered. Anyhow whooooa that was information overload, where can I start? Hmm well I'm 38 years old male and I've been to university and travelled following my graduation came back and enrolled myself into yet another school for advertising design (WHY COS I THOUGHT I'D BE SUCCESSFUL AT IT). Obviously I wasn't well atleast I didnt get to where I wanted to be. I was always sort of like you but I was shy of females never wanting to get rejected I wouldn't take the risk..Girls never chased me down although in my highshool and early years I used to get alot of attention. But Time progressed I put on weight and boom a cycle of depression hit (By the way depression is a big waste of time).

 

What got me out of all that negative crap. I found a sport I wanted to pursue. I got involved with cycling at the age of 28 in a short time I lost so much weight I was fitting into trendy clothes feeling real slick I just landed a great job and my life was on its way up...? Well in the industry of Graphics and advertising design it can be quite toxic...I lost my job why because I was still lacking self confidence and people saw that. As mytime progressed I got into serious road cycling now I went to buy my first Pinarello racer and my gosh I was in the saddle of that bike for about 3 hours a day during the week and 5 hours on the weekends..Finally I met up with my life long dream of riding with a group of real racers there were approximately 75-80 of t hem that hot summer day..needless to say I've been riding with them for 5-6 years now and The change in myself and personality is night and day.

 

What I'm saying is get into a sport sweetie something that your serious about and about being good at. Sports or working out running power walking Yoga whatever it is...DO IT! It will change your life forever you would not believe when you're Fit the way you carry yourself you exude that personal power that many people will gravitate to you because they just want to feed off your positive energy.... Anothe Key Be positive about everything don't let anything anger you squash those feelings immediately and move on.

think of this FIDO forget it Drive on. Thats what we say in the cycling world..if someone cuts you off or harasses you while you on the road

If you'd like to see our group ride go to

youtube and punch in: Donut Ride. Click on the first result that says

History of the Donut ride

There are people that come on that ride and say its therapy for their lives.

 

 

I got into teaching and moved on up into opening my own company met the girl of my dreams in every way. She's beautiful girl inner and outer.

We got married 3 years ago and our relationship has been the best one Ive ever experienced. No my compnay still is not doing the greatest so we've transformed it into another media and this I'll believe will take off in the meantime I have something else to shoot for and thats key...Have a fallback plan it really helps out. well gotta go sunshine...remember it all starts with you! In ordre for things to change first I must CHANGE!.

 

HOpe this helps...

Taurus18

 

Sincerely

Taurus18

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I'd say take philosphy. It is great. I barely passed highschool english with a D- but I got an A in community college intro to philosophy class.

 

Second, where do you live? I'll be your friend if you are close by? Are you happy with your physical appearance other than blushing? That sounds cute. You just have never had affection, so that is why the shame creeps in.

 

Take care. I know there is a disease where poeple always look like they are blushing, but that is different. You are probably just that way. It is natural and not something you can help. Maybe ask a doctor. And counseling wouldn't be bad.

 

Just don't think of it as gross or shameful. I bet it is really cute, but people have yet to appreciate it.

 

P.S. - I am straight edge and never go out except to work full time and college. The only getting out I do is errands and stuff. I know what it is like to be a loner kinda.

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encouraging post taurus,

i had a moment of hope, a very quick moment. like you i've started a job that puts me out there in front of people and being able to make presentations, being confident is a must. qualities i lack. often times i get so down on myself for not doing any better.

 

socially i'm not happy as well, since work is the only thing i have and don't have life outside of it. no friends... no girlfriend.

 

i wish it were so simple as just picking up a sport or hobby to make myself happy. but i base my value on job performance too much and i'm happiest when i'm able to achieve and do things at work. i run for exercise and run harder when i'm frustrated with myself, its almost punishing myself for my shortcoming. can't say i really enjoy it or think its life change. so no social life, not good at work, no passion for personal interests. im quite jaded.

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I think one of the most important things people need to learn in life is how to relax and laugh at themselves. I used to be like that also and still am to a lesser extent. I was really afraid of other people judging me so I never tried to assert myself and was so timid and shy. I could barely talk to people past a monosyllable. I was really afraid of not being perfect so everything I did or had to do seemed like a mountain of a task and would feel really exhausted and frustrated without even having done anything.

 

But it turned that out my biggest critic is myself (true I think for most people). I had to really force myself to be less serious and to be able to laugh at myself. I think the way I made any progress was to take small steps. Keep reminding myself that I don't need to make a leap to do things perfectly. If I keep taking tiny steps toward perfection, one day I'll get there. Then along the way, I realized how far I've come and it's not even important to me to be perfect anymore.

 

So just try to relax and when you make a mistake, be able to say haha, oh silly me instead oh my gosh, I can't believe I was so stupid. Take it one step at a time. If you're not comfortable going up to someone to talk to them, then at least put yourself in a place where people are social, like join a club of your interest. Clubs are a little more relaxed than classes, so people are more open to lasting friendships than homework partners.

 

Good luck!

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