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Hard time reading a guy


lilyanne14
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Need your feedback on this situation. I've been friends with a guy for some time now. While we're technically just good friends, I can sense that there has always been a mutual attraction between us. We have many things in common, spend a lot of time together, seem to "get" each other, and flirt from time to time. While the signs seem positive (indicating that he probably likes me), things haven't really gone past friendship. Not sure if it's my fault or whatever, but there were times when it felt like he was trying to get close physically, but since it kinda took me offguard or maybe I was just nervous whatever, I didn't return the act. One other thing that I don't get is how things can feel that good between us but still he doesn't seem to be pursuing me like how I've been pursued by my exes in the past. Guys in the past who I thought liked me as much as this guy does would not hesitate to make their feelings clear by calling, writing, texting, askiing me out. But this one doesn't do much of that beyond what is normal for a friendship. So now I'm wondering if maybe I am misreading him even tho I could really feel the attraction and chemistry? But if they like you shouldn't it be obviuous? Or it could be that he's just not the type who likes to pursue by calling and texting a lot since it seems he hardly does that with anyone or so he says. If that's the case then how in the world does he pursue? Or am I just not getting it here? I'm in college already and should be able to read a guy, but still feel like I can't do any better than when I was in jr high!!

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welcome to enotalone.

 

part of me agrees with DN.... then the other part thinks back to a guy I dated 2 years ago, kind of a similar situation as you..... he seemed interested in me, but he never made a move. so I finally did, but it always felt like I was the one doing the pursuing and initiating the relationship and we broke up a few months later on bad terms. If i had it to do over, I wouldn't have made a move on him. I would have just let him do it. Or I would have moved on, but I wouldn't have intitiated the romantic relationship.

 

but that is just my experience.

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I am 32 and I can't read guys at all...so don't feel bad about not being able to read guys now that you're in college.

 

I am not a fan of asking guys out (only because it has always gone south for me). However, you could drop him some hints and see if he picks up on them. Like one time, I liked this guy and he knew I liked horses and he would ask me about riding all the time....so I said that we should go riding together sometime. He did ask me out...but I found out he had a girlfriend, so that did not go anywhere....but yeah, definitely drop some hints.

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I would not make myself as available to him so that he will figure out that if he wants to see you he has to call you and make a plan in advance. In addition, try and find out if he ever had a girlfriend where he asked her out and they started dating - to see if that is something he "ever" did. I don't think asking guys out is effective in general and it doesn't seem like he is shy as far as interacting with you. You could mention that there is a movie you'd like to see, etc and see if he steps up to the plate. Right now it could be he doesn't need to ask you out on a proper date because you're always available to hang out with him.

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Well - why not try this. Plan a date in advance and ask him out. Who knows - you may be the first woman in America to initiate a date with a guy and it turn into a long-term relationship. Then you can write a book refuting 'The Rules' and make a ton of money. Now you have a partner and a good lifestyle.

 

Just go for it - you have nothing to lose but perhaps a little dignity if you get rejected. Just like the guys.

 

What all the ladies who say "it didn't work for me and/or my friends" forget or ignore is that most of the time it doesn't work for the guys either. Those are the odds. But guys pick themselves up and try again. Just like you can - if you have the courage.

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Im fairly sure he doesn't have a gf at this point. Like some of the posters have mentioned, I've thought about asking him out, but haven't done so because a big part of me wonders if I'm completely off track about him liking me (because of the concerns mentioned having to do with him not pursuing in a way I think most guys usually pursue by contacting frequently or asking to spend time). However we do our fair shair of hanging out with mutual friends (6-10 of us sometime) and also just the two of us together in date-ish situatioins. But outside of these occasions, there is not much I consider as pursuit. So do you all think he's at least interested and just not make a move for some reason? In considering of what I posted earlier and also this stuff.

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If my female friend was distancing herself from me, I would not interpret it as a challenge. I would interpret it as disinterest and move on. Be careful because not all guys like challenges.

Exactly. Plus, some guys have enough of a problem overcoming shyness as it is. Or they think that distancing is playing 'hard to get' high-school games and don't want that sort of immaturity in their lives.

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The guys responding maybe right.

 

Every situation is different.

 

We are only experts on our own experiences.

 

Follow your heart and realize that anything in life can be turned into a learning experience.

 

I chased guys all around the country. For one of them, I took a train half-way accross the country. Every guy I ever liked, I asked out. Do I have regrets? Yes and no. The train trip 1/2 way accross the country into the Iowa cornfields is something that I can tell my grandkids about one day. Plus, I had fun on that train trip. I slept in a box car, took a shower on the train and ate in the dining car and met tons of people.

 

Two years later (just this past July) I overcame my fear of flying and visited Iowa guy in Minneapolis. Then he told me that if I wanted a relationship, I had to give more than what I was giving. He broke my heart. But I let that happen I suppose. I pursued him from the get-go. If I had not chased him, my heart would not be broken. But then I would not be the person I am today, either. So follow your heart and learn from life.

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welcome to enotalone.

 

part of me agrees with DN.... then the other part thinks back to a guy I dated 2 years ago, kind of a similar situation as you..... he seemed interested in me, but he never made a move. so I finally did, but it always felt like I was the one doing the pursuing and initiating the relationship and we broke up a few months later on bad terms. If i had it to do over, I wouldn't have made a move on him. I would have just let him do it. Or I would have moved on, but I wouldn't have intitiated the romantic relationship.

 

but that is just my experience.

I see this sort of thing all the time. "I made a move on a guy and it didn't work out"

 

But it doesn't necessarily mean it didn't work out because you asked him out. How do you know for sure that is cause and effect?

 

Unless the guy breaks up with you and says "well, it's only because you asked me out to start with." that perhaps you might know that was the reason. But it would still beg the question - why did he accept in the first place?

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Unless the guy breaks up with you and says "well, it's only because you asked me out to start with." that perhaps you might know that was the reason. But it would still beg the question - why did he accept in the first place?

 

You're right.

 

I think that women in general are socialized that it's not proper to initiate asking a guy out.

 

Now, I am far from a girly-girl. In fact, I would say that I possess a rather 'masculinized' mind, compared to my female peers. I am naturally a go-getter/hunter/pursuer. I am actually going against my 'true' nature by 'letting' men take the lead.

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I think that women in general are socialized that it's not proper to initiate asking a guy out.

 

 

Very true. It's the hypocrisy that stuns me. There are tons of examples where women resent traditional gender roles in their quest for equality. OK, I'm cool with that. But they can't pick and choose what stereotypes they like and what they don't like. With equal rights come equal responsibilities, including the 'responsibility' of asking the guy out 50% of the time.

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I think that women in general are socialized that it's not proper to initiate asking a guy out.

 

Now, I am far from a girly-girl. In fact, I would say that I possess a rather 'masculinized' mind, compared to my female peers. I am naturally a go-getter/hunter/pursuer. I am actually going against my 'true' nature by 'letting' men take the lead.

This is true but that doesn't mean things can't change. Men and women were socialised to do many things that have changed over the last hundred years and this can be one of them - already has for some women.

 

A man who has been re-socialised to accept women as equals won't have much trouble responding favourably to a woman asking him out. But she should realise that just because he says no - it doesn't necessarily mean that it was simply because she asked.

 

It just makes me a little sad to think of all the chances for a great relationship that were lost simply because someone lacked the nerve to ask someone else out. Male or female.

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Another example, I actually feel odd when a man pays for me on a date. It's not that I don't appreciate it, because I do. I just feel odd deep down and I don't know why.

 

In addition, I would love it if it were 'more acceptable' for women to take the lead and ask men out. It it were, I could actually pick the men I was interested in---instead of the ones that pick me---which I seemingly have absolutely no interest in....I have yet to figure that out too.

 

But then again, as a woman it feels good to be feminine....and have a guy ask you out. Most of the time I feel very masculine....and it would be nice to feel like an actual woman, every now and then. I get tired of being the man....I want to be a woman

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And there's the nub - many guys may be assuming you're 'traditional' and that you would be offended at the concept of going Dutch, so they pay for the entire meal. A huge misunderstanding that shows no sign of resolving itself in the social context. A misunderstanding propagated by people (of both genders) who use stereotypes to their individual advantage.

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Guys I forgot to mention something else earlier. He once told me he's not much of a phone/text guy because he thinks it's impersonal. Says he would much rather have a face to face convo with people since it's more direct and personal (and this is supposed to explain why he doesn't like to contact people electronically including me). But if he's so into one on one convo in person, I don't get why he doesn't ask to spend time with me very much to have these personal talks that he so prefers! What am I left with here? The more I think about this the more it seems ridiculous. I mean is this guy even the slightest bit interested, with all the chemistry and how close it feels when we're together, or am I just kidding myself and putting up with bull? Plz read all my posts on this and help me piece it together. Really appreciate your insights.

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And there's the nub - many guys may be assuming you're 'traditional' and that you would be offended at the concept of going Dutch, so they pay for the entire meal. A huge misunderstanding that shows no sign of resolving itself in the social context. A misunderstanding propagated by people (of both genders) who use stereotypes to their individual advantage.

 

There is a duality within me...a yin and a yang.

 

In my opinion, it honestly feels good as a woman to be treated as a woman. It's nice when a man opens a door for you, treats you out to a nice meal...etc...then there is a part that makes me feel strange for liking those things...I have to get to the bottom of those odd feelings.

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There is a duality within me...a yin and a yang.

 

In my opinion, it honestly feels good as a woman to be treated as a woman. It's nice when a man opens a door for you, treats you out to a nice meal...etc...then there is a part that makes me feel strange for liking those things...I have to get to the bottom of those odd feelings.

 

The problem is that it is an out-dated concept that chivalry (opening doors, paying for date etc.) is being treated 'as a woman'. And that he is less than a man if he doesn't do those things. But bear in mind that when those concepts were in vogue being treated as a woman also meant not having the vote, not having equal opportunity and staying at home raising babies. There was an upside and a downside. Now, too many women seem to want to lose the downside but keep the upside and that causes confusion and resentment.

 

Surely - the new concept of treating a woman 'as a woman' should be treating her as an equal.

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I see this sort of thing all the time. "I made a move on a guy and it didn't work out"

 

But it doesn't necessarily mean it didn't work out because you asked him out. How do you know for sure that is cause and effect?

 

Unless the guy breaks up with you and says "well, it's only because you asked me out to start with." that perhaps you might know that was the reason. But it would still beg the question - why did he accept in the first place?

 

no, more like "it was never meant to be in the first place" and I would have saved myself some heartache if i left him alone and moved onto someone new. or, maybe he would have grown more feelings towards me over time.

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I don't know any guy who wants a girl who he didn't work to get, fight to get, a girl who is woth pursuit and worth the risk of rejection

 

He didn't spend enough time browsing these forums.

 

Too many guys who are confident around women assume that is the norm - it is not.

 

Additionally, he has not spent enough time researching how other cultures initiate relationships (arranged marriages for instance) nor is his history and anthropology very good.

 

How many people realise that 'dating' is a very new idea? - less than a hundred years old. And even that only in Western civilisation. Many cultures still don't practice it.

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Im fairly sure he doesn't have a gf at this point. Like some of the posters have mentioned, I've thought about asking him out, but haven't done so because a big part of me wonders if I'm completely off track about him liking me (because of the concerns mentioned having to do with him not pursuing in a way I think most guys usually pursue by contacting frequently or asking to spend time). However we do our fair shair of hanging out with mutual friends (6-10 of us sometime) and also just the two of us together in date-ish situatioins. But outside of these occasions, there is not much I consider as pursuit. So do you all think he's at least interested and just not make a move for some reason? In considering of what I posted earlier and also this stuff.

 

I don't think you have anything to lose if you ask him out but keep in mind that some men, while flattered to be asked out, might be put off by being asked - now, of course if he is strongly interested in you that won't matter but if he is at a point where he could potentially be strongly interested but is mulling it over, if he sees you as too pushy that might push him away. Make sense? Even though there are men who don't enjoy the role of initiating a date, if that role is taken away from them they may get turned off.

 

I've asked out men before, never been effective for me -- and since I was 16 or so - 1982 (so, way way before The Rules were published) I dated a whole lot as did my friends - I have heard from time to time about a successful relationship starting with the woman asking for the first date; I have never heard of any long term healthy relationship where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning - that is most of the asking, calling, contacting, etc.

 

I would first try the mentioning a movie or play or museum exhibit you are interested in seeing and see if he takes the bait. One time there was a man who continuously flirted with me at work, definitely single, etc. I asked him to lunch during the week and once at lunch he totally clammed up. It was clear he was only interested in flirting with me at work. period. I survived the "rejection" just fine ;-)

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