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redsuede
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someone tell me that it does get better. I have been in a 7 year relationship, cheated on again recently. The first week I was pathetic and trying to keep whatever we could as we broke up.. Now I am so upset, dont want the relationship at all anymore, but how I feel inside, I dont know if it is normal.. Its like between extreme panic, and resentful, mad... I dont know. I just want to hear it gets better I guess.

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It does get better. And sometimes the anger helps you heal-at least it did for me. Having a reason to be angry with someone during a breakup helps you keep no contact, which in turn helps you heal.

But as time goes by you will also have to forgive them. Take a day at a time, it gets better

 

wait, I just read Scouts post.....you guys broke up right?

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I dont mean, will we get better, I mean does this feeling go away of panic and resentment...

 

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry! I totally misunderstood your question. I thought you meant will she get better. My bad!

 

Yes, the pain and resentment after a relationship's end definitely subsides. However, this was a long-term relationship, so I can't lie and tell you it's gonna be a piece of cake to get over.

 

But we're certainly here for you to offer support during this difficult time. How long ago did you two break up?

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Yes, we did break up. Left me will all financial obligations as well, so thats more stress added on top of it. I just see how much has been placed on my shoulders through this 7 years, and now there is just so much I dont understand I feel physically sick. I just want to feel better, not like I have poison running through my body. Thanks for the replies.. I appreciate it more than you know.

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Thanks for the replies.. I appreciate it more than you know.

 

Well, keep talkin' to us, friend. That's what we're here for. I went back over some of your previous threads, there were only a couple, so I'm not clear on the details of what led up this most recent break up. I assume she's the same person you had difficulties with in 2004?

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if your question is whether or not you will settle down and heal from this breakup, the answer is absolutely, but you have to be patient.

 

anger and illness are responses to emotional pain. healing from this is a gradual process, and it has its ups and downs. eventually, you will go a day without hurting, then soon after that you will go two, and in time the whole mountain of crap that's now on your back will be unnoticeable to you and all but gone.

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It took a lot of guts to break free from that relationship finally. I give you a lot of kudos for taking such a scary step! It's only natural you're going to have feelings of panic, and second-guessing...remember, you're coming out of seven years of conditioning yourself to believe it's ok for you to put up with her cheating and other misbehavior. It's gonna take some time to build up your self-esteem again.

 

Speaking of which, what are you planning to do in that area? Have you embarked on any new activities, explored any interests...done anything yet that you weren't doing while you were with her?

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I havent done much other than try to get my house ready to sell. We have a house together, and I need to sell it. Since it is all on me, that is what I have been doing. I am so determined though. I want to feel better, and I dont want this relationship anymore. (I never thought I would say that).. You guys are all life savers.. I just have never felt like this before.. Its comforting to talk to you guys!!!

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You will feel better, but it's going to take some serious time. Your trust in relationships is shattered, and that will take work to build back up.

 

Right now concentrate on yourself. Get the things that need to get done...done.

 

It's ok to lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself. Part of the process. That's how you get back up my friend.

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Its so good to hear that it will all get better. I feel so drained and exhausted. Its almost like I dont know how to live anymore, meaning what to do with my time especially with this fear and panic ripping through my body at all times. She is still living at the house for another week, and I just dont know if I can handle another day. Any ideas of how I can help myself sooner would be soooo appreciated.

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This sounds so bad, but I refuse to be the one to leave for a bit. She hasnt paid anything on our house this month at all, living off of me.. while she is thinking about other people.. I do have kids as well, so I am not going to uproot them because of her. Everyone caters to her and I just feel so refusing to do so anymore. This seems all grand and dandy to her. She seems to feel so happy about all of this with no regard to how she has treated me over the past 7 years of differnt kinds of abuse..

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If she left you with financial responsibilities, you should be able to take them out of her portion of the sale of the house. Don't do anything hasty, you have ample time to seek legal/financial advice. As for having children, are they yours together?

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No, they are not kids together. They are mine. I am just wanting this whole thing to start feeling better. This time I feel 100% ready to move forward with my life. I feel a tiny spark that maybe I might have a chance to have someone love me one day when I am healed and ready. This is a good feeling. Being treated like crap has really taken a toll on me over the years.. Resentment comes in because I am sure she isnt even aware of any hurtful thing she has done to me. What an idiot I am for thinking I am staying with someone dispite problems. This I take full resoncibility for. That part is my fault.

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Taking stock of what has really happened and your part in it is good. You see the relationship for what it really was with no rose colored glasses. I feel you are really on your way here...just be ready because you will go back and forth for awhile about your feelings.

 

You are right. Now you have the opportunity to find someone who does value you and your feelings. Just have to get past this first.

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Thank you so much....I hate this.. What I hate even more is that I DONT want to be the only one feeling like this. I feel so angry inside thinking that this is not a big deal to her. I have always been the one to worry about us. Why would I do such a thing? I guess now I am venting, I just look at the whole thing, and it is scary that for once I am just so upset that I cant even look at her. I dont want this back.. but I am SOOOOOOOOO mad that she probably is like, oh well, who cares.. The biggest thing I have learned is that if I ever feel like I am the one who cares more about the relationship ITS TIME TO GET OUT. It never gets better, its not a dynamic feeling. At the first of this breakup, I literally thought about dying.. I couldnt stand the idea of a breakup, but when I saw that she was annoyed that I was sad, and going around the house packing EVERYTHING, it pissed me off. I realized that the patterns were always there, and she was not going to change ever. Why would I want to die for something that really was not what I thought. I guess sometimes our minds allow us to see something that is beautiful, when its not really like that at all.. its just what we want it.. It made me feel so good Mun that you said that you really think I am going to do it this time.. I really do too. Just the validation I needed to hear I guess, so thank you very very much.

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Okay, so now Im even in a bigger delimma.. this is going to sound really weird. I have a friend here at work that just sent me an email saying he has a few single friends of his that he wants me to meet. He is having a housewarming party on saturday, and I am scared to death. ITS BEEN 7 years.. what should I do? Should I go?

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the question is, do you want to go? for some, it might be too soon; for others, it's just what they need. if you just can't seem to make up your mind, here's a little trick to clarify your feelings:

 

flip a coin and tell yourself you'll follow the outcome. heads=go, tails=no.

 

then ask yourself: are you satisfied with the toss, or disappointed in it? the answer to that question may help you make your decision.

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Ok.. I guess I am very excited. Everytime we have broken up in the past, I was hating that we were apart, and thought it would be best if I just go out and try, but now.. I actually am EXCITED for the prospect.. I just dont want to do anything unhealthy.. I dont want to end up in another bad situation.. So, its normal to want to go, being excited?

 

I guess this is everyones clue I havent got out much.. Lol..

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redsuede,

You've been through a great deal and I'm sorry that this happened to you, you sound like I did 7 years ago. I will tell you this, you will recover and love again. Someday you will even forgive her for what she did but the most important thing to remember is never sell yourself short. Don't compromise your values, morals and beliefs to stay in a bad relationship. You have kids that will look at you for direction and you need to set an example for them. They need to understand that you are their source for security and comfort not her. Take it slow in getting back in to the dating scene, pace yourself and have fun, the rest will fall in to place.

 

RC

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