How to get over the emotions?

[MrKawabata]

Hi,

I have just ended an 18-month relationship with my Asian girlfriend, of which 8 of the last 9 months were long distance. She had to go back to her country after our first 9 months of our relationship due to Visa restrictions. During our long-distance relations we communicated on Skype 2-3 times per week and emailed each other at least once per day.

 

The first 9 months were a very happy time, the next 8 months long distance were okay, but in the last month when she returned to my country it has been nothing but communication breakdown. English is her 3rd language.

 

Before she came to my country I looked for a job and accommodation for her. I gave her recommendation, but she did not take my advice, and she got herself into a lot of contractual problems into which she wanted me to solve for her but I could not solve the legal mess that she had got herself into.

 

In the last month, I visited her 2-3 times per week and spoke to her on the phone everyday. She phoned me 1-3 times per day. She then said if I cared for her or not, and I said "of course I do". Why did she say that when I phone her everyday and visit her often?

 

Later she went on to say that I didn't care for her, and that perturbed me a bit because I did care for her. What did she want? I remember one day when I didn't even visit her and she was able to find fault with me even then. She wanted me to be with her 24/7, and I said to her that just wasn't possible, and I needed time also for myself and also work. Her clingyness put me under pressure, and she looked to me for her own happiness. She later admitted and apologised to me for her outbursts, which were new to me at the time. I never knew her to behave like this before. She always seemed pleasant and happy upfront.

 

When she got angry she stunned me when she said "the reason why I have to work is because you I don't get any money from you!" So I said "Oh, so you just want to know me because of my money?" And she said "No, I didn't mean it like that!". But she gave me the eagle-eyed stare when she was unhappy when I asked her to pay for lunch the time after she had promised to pay me back some money.

 

She is an out-going travel oriented person and I like reading books. What kept us going was that we were attracted to each other physically, and our opposites brought us out of our comfort-zones. That was fine when we were friends, but when we wanted to get closer the more we wanted each other to change according to the needs each of us had. As we got closer to each other our expectations rose, and she wanted me to change according to what she wanted in the relationship. My needs were never met, despite my repeated communication to her.

 

I needed my own space at times, but she wanted me 24/7. I felt suffocated, as if I didn't have a life anymore. The more criticism I received for apparently not appeasing her strong emotions, the more down I began to feel. I also found contrasting stories of the same event according to which day I asked her. I found out that she had been lying to me, and I today she also admitted to have been seeing other guys. I think her conflict with me is because she had been comparing me to other guys and using that as a weapon to complain about me.

 

What mattered to each of us were our career's, and her cooking and home maintenance skills were non-existent. This is not the type of woman you want if you want a family.

 

Yesterday we met for lunch, and for some reason I ordered a champagne. I felt free and as if I had my life back again. But today I feel terrible. Even though I ended the relationship and couldn't see a future because of our different cultures, I do feel a sense of loss which I find hard to explain. I feel very depressed today. I could do with some encouragement.

 

Even though I know I did the right thing, why don't I feel any happiness about my decision? She hurt me a lot. My mind says I did the right thing - we weren't compatible, but how do I get over my emotions?

 

Your replies are very much welcome.

Cheers.

[itsallgrand]

I'm sorry to hear this. (( Mr. K ))

 

Don't have a lot to say, except that I think your feelings are perfectly normal and you just need to allow them to run their course.

 

Seeing her must have been difficult. The same sort of thing happens with me when I am reminded of my ex right now - sometimes I am up and feeling so great, and then it will hit me seemingly out of nowhere. It's mourning. It takes some time because the relationship meant a lot and was a big part of our lives. And there are hopes and dreams we had that must be mourned too.

 

So what happened during your lunch yesterday? Will you be seeing her again or was that the last time?

[MrKawabata]

Thank you for your message "itsallgrand".

I appreciate your encouragement now, and reading similar experiences.

 

Yesterday over lunch we discussed what we spoke on the phone the night before. On the phone she was upset because I wanted to be "just friends". That is understandable when you consider I had been a whipping post for the past 3 weeks.

 

We agreed that we would be "just friends", but today over the phone she did not want to see me anymore because she finds it difficult to discuss our communication problems. Maybe because she feels guilty about her actions, and feels the pain when she knows that she is causing me pain. She is a sensitive girl, but never this sensitive.

 

We basically were in each others thoughts and did a lot of activities together for 18 months. The difficulty with the emotions is doing things without her supportive words and "bubbly" personality.

 

What gets me is that the past seems a wasted time now, and my life is marching on. Yes, I know there are other good women "out there" and I could do with meeting more people right now, but as I type this message, I am hurting and feel "bummed out".

[ranlian]

hi mr. kawabata,

i used to have a japanese girlfriend that came over for me, so i completely understand the pressures of trying to establish an identiy in a new country.

 

i know she turned into something that you didn't expect, but i've seen it happen before. i have a theory that there are 5 emotional support systems that people need throughout their lives. they include 5 -- one's family, friends, lover, religion, and most importantly one's sense of self.

 

when your girlfriend moved to your country, she most likely didn't have any family, friends, (maybe no religion), and she didn't have an identity in your country, so she had no sense of self, or low self-esteem. in fact, all she had was you.

 

because you were the only thing that could support her, this put a lot of pressure on you... and eventually, it was difficult for you to support her.

 

so what happens when all your emotional support systems collapse?...

you have an emotional breakdown. she started to have unusual outbursts and make unfair accusations.

 

it seems that you both had emotional needs that somehow were not being met. she wanted a feeling a security from you 24/7, but it was something that you could not offer to her. if you know that the both of you are incompatible, then all you can do is mourn the loss. it'll take some time, and it may seem like forever, but you'll get there.

 

hang in there!

[Juliana]

Yeah...the thing about the money kind of throws me, though....

[studbaker99]

Is she Vietnamese or Korean?

 

I heard they can be quite *itchy...

 

I am in the process of figuring out if the current relationship I am in has any more value to me, and I might need to break up. But it would be because of a lack of commitment, rather than being stifled. I do wonder what to do...