Is this possible? (guys especially would help here)

[sunflowerEyes]

Is it possible for a guy to want to be with other people just because he wants more experience?

If a guy's girlfriend has had more sexual experience than him, it makes him feel weird right? (i could be wrong but i think that's the norm)

He wants to be equal in all aspects of the relationship so he feels that he needs to take a break in order to experience more and be equal with his girl. He says that the other girl/girls won't mean anything other than people that would allow him to be equal to her (the one he loves).

So, im wondering if this is possible?

Does it make sense?

Can he just go out and do that because he really does want to be with his girl but just feels uncomfortable that shes more sexually experienced?

Is it possible to not lose his love for her even if he does do things with other people.. perhaps sleep with them.?

Do you think it's a fair claim that he says he's doing it because he wants equality?

 

 

i know it's a lot of questions but.. They are all kind of around the same thing.

... Advice please?

is this all possible?

[sillygurl]

Hmmm, I don't know about this one. Anything is possible, yes. BUT...in my experience, people cheat for two reasons:

 

1.) because they don't feel like they have anything to lose, or that what they do have to lose is worth less than what they'll gain from cheating.

 

2.) because they don't think they'll get caught.

 

In general, when somebody loves you, they love you and don't want to share you or be shared, but like I said, anything is possible. Especially in relationships, there are no absolutes except those which have been discussed!

[Goodfun88]

I'm sorry, but this sounds like total bull. Someone who loved you would not want to take time apart to sleep with other women. There is no way, and even if that was the case, there is no way 99% of women would want to continue to be with someone like this. I'm sorry, but if someone is saying these things to you, you may need to reconsider your relationship with this person. Good luck.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Nope.

 

I'm more experienced than my boyfriend. He knows this. He's proud to only have slept with two people, however, and certainly (and has vehemently told me) doesn't want any more *experience*.

 

He does value sex highly from an emotional standpoint, though.

[sunflowerEyes]

sillygurl, there is no cheating going on here. It's talking about taking a break to perhaps sleep with other women, on maybe not to that point, but just experience more- in order to be equal to me.

 

This equality thing is really important to him. I agree with the fact that if he loves me as much as he says he does he would not want to do this, but like i said equality is a BIG deal to him. Also, the fact that I was his first comes into play here.. i think that may change the situation a bit?

 

..

[Goodfun88]

Well if your ok with it, then thats something you'll have to deal with but I can tell you that would NOT be ok with me.

 

Don't you think he would be happy that he got so lucky his first time, why would he want to spoil that? And risk tainting your relationship forever? Something about that doesn't sit right with me. Having the same number of sex partners or experience doesn't make anything equal. The fact that he's even considered this as an option (not to mention discussed it with you) would be a huge red flag for me. I hope you know that if someone loves you, they would never put your through that. Good luck.

[sunflowerEyes]

AAHH this is so frustrating, because i know what youre saying is right.. but. I can't help but SOMEWHAT see his point... i mean, we're still pretty damn young and I guess he wants to see what else is out there in order to find out if he's missing out on anything instead of sticking with the first thing he found.. I know, it sounds terrible.. but i think that happens, yaknow.. people separating for a while, seeing whats out there and eventually realizing that what they had was the best thing for them, then being completely sure about the relationship knowing theres nothing else out there thats better- they've pretty much gotten it out of their systems..

Is it wrong of me to see this?

I guess I'm going by the whole, "if u love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours" thing.

Is that reasonable?

 

I guess the worst that could happen is he could realize that I'm not the best it could get and finds someone else, which is something I'll have to deal with..

 

i dunno, its so hard to let go.

I don't want to because of the fear that there is someone better out there.. i guess I just have to wait it out and see...

 

wats ur opinion on this?

[shes2smart]

I'm 11 years older than my husband. I had a lot more experience (life experience and sexual experience) than he did. He feels no need to "even up" the score or be with anyone else.

 

If you want to be in a commited, monogamous relationship and he doesn't, you've got a mismatch in relationship expectations....which usually means it's time to part ways and each person can puruse what they want individually.

 

Oddly enough, there was a guy who posted on a similar situation a while back. You might find this thread interesting:

 

 

[Batya33]

This is just me. I would be nauseous to be with someone who would want to try other women out before committing to me. For a host of reasons. First, imagining him with the other women, wondering later what he "learned" from them each and every time he touched me, wondering why I wasn't good enough, whether later on he would again think he did not have enough "experience" to commit to me, and I would seriously question his values when it came to intimacy. I would also feel like I was one of many women auditioning for him sexually even if he came back to me and agreed to be exclusive.

 

Nausea would also result from the increased risks of STDs and the possibility that he would get a phone call a few months down the line that one of these women was pregnant. And of course the chance that he would fall in love or one of the other women would and then wouldn't leave him alone. Yuck.

 

Sometimes just because something "sounds" logical doesn't mean it passes the icky/yucky test. For example, is it really "logical" to be exclusive with one person given the infinite possiblities in this world? Of course not - it's an emotional response based on the heart, bonding, a sense of loyalty. If we all solely followed our heads most relationships wouldn't seem entirely logical or rational. And I think that's a beautiful thing.

 

Now perhaps you don't have a jealous/insecure bone in your body and none of this would phase you because you buy this whole "equality" thing. I just shared how I would feel. It's so personal.

 

What I would do - tell him - take all the time you need to explore. I will also do the same, or not - but what I choose to do from here on out is none of your business. If you decide you want only me you can call me and if I am interested and available we will start over, we will date for several months before being intimate - for one thing to make sure that the STD/pregnancy thing is not an issue - but that is a big "if" because of course I may meet someone else who doesn't feel the need to explore.

 

p.s. - my parents have been married 50 years and were each other's firsts. I have been proposed to more than once by men with very little experience - was never an issue. Again, it's just me.

[sunflowerEyes]

wow... this sucks...

 

It makes me very insecure, like u said, to think "why aren't I enough?"...

 

This is all greeeat advice..

 

of course I have a lot of thinking to do...

 

but everyone please keep the opinions coming. I need as much as possible in order to weigh everything..

 

Thank you to all who have posted so far..

[ILovePasta]

Wow...

 

Guys opinion here:

 

Sounds like your boyfriend is looking for some extra nookie, and trying to justify a pretty lame reason to you so he can 'have his cake and eat it too'.

 

If my partner told me that, I'd be out the door and down the street in 2 seconds. That is a ridiculous thing to say to someone you are in a relationship with.

 

I can't believe you would actually ponder his request

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I have to agree with Goodfun88 on this one. It is BS. I have been in a situation where I had more "experience" than my partner and never did he feel the need to "even up" the playing field. And even if he wanted to, I would show him the door.

 

If the person really cared and treasured the other, "even up" the score would never be an issue. The couple would just enjoy being with one another, feel blessed that they found one another, and create memories toegether.

 

Relationships are not about keeping score because if that were the case, there is always going to be a loser. You are not a loser nor is your partner. Relationships are about growing with and learning about one another, love, committment, compromise and respect. They are not a sport nor a race.

[ImThatGirl]

Great Advice Batya~~~~

 

Sunflower - how long have you two been together?

[sillygurl]

a break to perhaps sleep with other women

and

if he loves me as much as he says he does he would not want to do this

 

 

OK, I highlighted the lines from you that I'm zeroing in on. I think you have your answer right here.... I'm trying not to be judgemental here, because every situation is subjective, but this sounds like a total load to me. If there is something he feels that he needs to learn, and he truly wanted to be with you, why not learn it with or from you? Why risk possibly losing you during the "Break" to someone else, unless he's really intending for the break to be a break-up?

 

It just sounds fishy, like he just wants to go out and be with other women and isn't really considering what will happen with you in the future. So proceed with caution, because it sounds like he's trying to end the relationship without being a bad guy, see what else is out there, and leave you hanging on for him to come back to in case he can't find anyone better. And speaking of finding someone better, I think this is a great opportunity for you to do just that.

 

I have more experience than the guy I'm seeing and of ALL the reasons we could have to take a break, this is one that never would have occurred to either of us!

[bungalo]

Hey Sunflower,

 

Take it from a reformed cheater, this guy is handing you a huge line of you know what! It's called not having his impulses under control and buying into the "grass is always greener." You are better off without

him until (if) he wakes up!

[sunflowerEyes]

 

Sunflower - how long have you two been together?

 

 

9 months, 20 days...

[ImThatGirl]

I hope you know that you deserve much better than this. Almost 10 months and he has the nerve to ask for your permission to sleep around to gain experience and equality.

 

Honey, I just can't find any way to justify or understand his request. With true love, he would put himself in your shoes, and realize how terrible that it would feel if it were the other way around. And realize how completely disrespectful he is being to ask this.

 

I don't think I could remain calm. Even if I agreed with it, I would be a mess. It would be unhealthy for me as a person to experience my boyfriend being with others. I don't think you should attempt to accept it. It's not right and it's physically and emotionally unacceptable.

[sunflowerEyes]

thank you all, you've all been really really helpful!

I have a lot of thinking to do.

We're both sitting down this weekend to talk about it. I'm going to tell him exactly how i feel about this and try to find out exactly what is going to happen. I'm a little scared because I was so ready today, i was going to write everything down in order to get my thoughts organized and be able to say everything that I want to say, but then.. i just lost all strength. I could no longer think. I read so many posts about this and i felt i had so much insight.. but then, i lost it.. i felt so weak... like my mind was erased of everything...

I dunno, like i said, i have thinking to do.

Thanks to all for your advice.

If anyone else has input, please feel free.

 

[tamara78]

Hi Sunflower - I am in an exactly the same situation as you, just a bit further down the line. My ex actually went ahead and left me to pursue the greener grass. He said exact same things as your ex, how much he cared for me, how great I was, how he knew he will never find anyone else that suits him so well - true, but then why leave?! I say let him go, walk away and leave him be - after some time had passed, he will realise what a fool he has been. By then, hopefuly, we willl find someone else who appreciates and loves us. I totally understand how you feel sweeitie, because I feel exactly the same...I cried and cried and cried my eyes out, my heart felt like it would burts because of all the sadness that I was feeling - I felt that there must be something wrong with ME...but there really isn't. There is something wrong with HIM and he will never be able to have a good relationship with anyone whilst he feels like that. It is sad that people are willing to lose someone who loves them and who they are a good match with, just for sex with random girls, but I say, let him go and let him regret it sooo much later in life. regret is a tough thing to live with, but he will regret it. I am sure. PM me if you need to talk.

[Daddy Bear]

a little late on the trigger here, but this is my take: he's not thinking this way out of lust. the guy genuinely feels inadequate, and he believes that nothing except gaining the experience that he feels he's lacking will make the things right. this is fairly typical among young human males. for you to put up with it, however, is too much to ask of most people. so either you can try to help him over his feelings of inadequacy with loads of reassurance, or something has to give.

[tamara78]

Slightlybent - thanks for the insight. Yes, it is quite common, but what are we (girls on the receiving end) meant to do? I have encouraged my ex sooo much, he knows that I loved him for who he was and he was perfectly fine for me the way he was. I don't think I, nor anyone else can help him. This is something he has to come to on his own, but when he realises what I have been talking about (i.e. how great our relationship was and that it would be a shame to throw it away for something like this, it will be too late most probably).

[Batya33]

You will be strong and it is a simple message: I don't buy your reasoning for wanting to be with other women. I respect that that is how you feel about it, but I can't relate to it. I am not comfortable being with you if that is your choice. Go and do what you feel you need to do and if you decide you want to get back together with me, you can call me at that time, and if I am still interested and available I will but I am going to move on too. If you do end up with other women I would want to start over, just date, no sex so that I can rebuild trust and make sure it is safe health-wise to be intimate with you. Please don't contact me while you are "exploring" because I need to move on - I will miss you but I have to care about myself more than you at this time.

[ImThatGirl]

Sunflower - I can't help but thinking that for you to even consider this you must be very dependent on your relationship with him.

 

Please consider talking about it more, with us or with a professional counselor. This is below all standards of how someone should be treated in a relationship.

 

Not to mention that everytime I think about your situation and put myself in your shoes, I feel like I could be sick. I know I'd be an emotional wreck and I hope that you can gain the strength you need to stand up for yourself.

[SquareWheel]

I can see how the guy in your example feels, and I think I'd feel the same way.

 

I believe everyone is fundamentally entitled to a certain amount of adventure and exploration before they settle down. A few thrills should just naturally be a part of life for everyone.

 

Everyone else here on the forum talks about having one night stands, friends with benefits, making out in cars, wild nights with a beautiful stranger they'd met just hours before. I read this forum and shake my head in amazement at how wonderful and exciting life is for most people.

 

If a fellow hasn't had any of those experiences, I think it's easy to see how he'd feel cheated. And even if he had deep and intense feelings for a woman, I think it's easy to see how he'd feel inferior. In a way, we are the sum of our experience.

 

If he met Ms. Right the first time, he'd be confronted with a painful dilemma. Obviously, nobody who's found "the one" wants to give him/her up. But if he settles down with her exclusively, swearing off all others, he'll likely spend the rest of his life feeling cheated, wondering and fantasizing about everything he'd missed in life. That's how I'd feel, and I think it'd be a pretty unhappy life.

[Daddy Bear]

Slightlybent - thanks for the insight. Yes, it is quite common, but what are we (girls on the receiving end) meant to do?

 

as i touched on briefly in my previous post, you can try first to talk him out of his mindset with non-judgmental words of reassurance, perhaps in counseling if it is available and if both parties are willing to go. failing this, there are really only two choices:

 

1. end the relationship, at least for the present.

 

2. tolerate the behavior and accept the attendant risks.

 

it's up to the individual to decide which path is best for her.