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Ask the Author: Finding Your Mensch: Do Nice Guys or Gals Finish Last?


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Finding Your Mensch: Do Nice Guys or Gals Finish Last?

 

Robin Gorman Newman, the author of How to Meet a Mensch in New York and How to Marry a Mensch will here on Wednesday Oct. 11 to host a discussion about Finding Your Mensch: Do Nice Guys or Gals Finish Last? and answer our questions on the topic.

 

Please post your questions for Robin in this thread.

 

 

About Robin Gorman Newman

 

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Robin Gorman Newman, The Love Coach /Author/ Lecturer/ Entrepreneur is a multi-media personality and in-demand "singles guru.” The original edition of her book, the only guide for singles in the tri-state, "How to Meet a Mensch in New York" sold over 20,000 copies and still garners impressive publicity.

 

Her new book, “How to Marry a Mensch,” was published by Fair Winds Press in January 2006. Robin has done hundreds of interviews to promote her books and work as The Love Coach. She has been seen on many television programs, specials, and networks worldwide including "The Today Show," CNN, CNBC, "Geraldo,” "Live at Five," "USA Live," Canadian Broadcast Co. (CBC), BBC, etc. She was a regular guest for one year on Channel 5's "Good Day NY," where she addressed relationship issues.

 

 

Read an excerpts from How to Marry a Mensch: The Love Coach's Guide to Finding Your Mate

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Hi Robin-

 

Thanks for visiting ENA and sharing your expertise with us!

 

My question is this. What specific steps or actions can one take to more appreciate and embrace the notion of having a relationship with a proverbial "nice guy" or "nice girl" (in my case)?

 

I know everyone is "nice" in their own way, but I have an on-going history of choosing to have challenging, exciting, exhausting, on-again-off-again relationships with women who are the opposite of myself in many ways, I know in my brain we would not work out but my heart gets very attached, and I'd like to break out of this pattern. I would like to take steps towards conditioning my attraction towards different relationships and women who might be considered "nice gals" and feel fulfilled in being a "nice guy" to them because right now this notion seems subconsciously boring and unfulfilling to me. Any ideas?

 

Thank you!

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Robin,

 

I have learned a LOT in the last few years.. My marriage disintegrated around me and nearly killed me.. I have ALWAYS been the guy who was "TOO NICE" and I would fall very quickly..

 

As I get older, and in the last few years, my confidence has improved greatly and as I stated in another thread, I feel I am stronger now at 41 than when I was 24, etc..

 

One thing I have continued to do is be honest with my feelings, I have learned however to not get too wrapped up and fall too quickly.. I have never been a "serial" dater, alway preferring to completely invest myself in the one relationship at a time.. In the last few months, I hav tried a different approach, and I am currently dating 2 women.. Neither one at this point is serious, One I REALLY want to be with, but as you would see in my other thread, the situation is complicated for her and I am patient enough to wait it out and see if anything develops further, and the other lady is also very attractive to me in deifferent ways.. If something develops with the second lady, I will evaluate my feelings and make the appropriate decision..

 

ANyway, my question to you is this.. I feel liek I am doing ok at this, but how do I and other "nice guys" keep our distance and appear a little "unavailable" and keep a womans interest at the same time..

 

I feel liek its a constant balancing act..

 

G65

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My questions are:

 

1) Why do "nice" people let the "not so nice" people into their lives but block out the so called menches?

 

What's the pyschology behind that?

 

2) How do the "not so nice" guys/gals seem to narrow in on the "nice" ones?

 

I know we say opposites attract, but it almost seems that the not so good people seem to have a radar to find the good ones, and an abusive cycle develops.

 

3) How do we actually find our mensches?

 

What screening methods should we use?

 

Hugs, Rose

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To Gentleman 65 & others --

 

Your question is really well taken. And, let me thank you for participating in this chat.

 

Sounds like you are taking a smart approach to dating and not jumping in fully head first. Being a mensch ("nice guy" in this case) is a terrific quailty, but it's understandable that your tendency might be to want to please, be totally available, etc.

 

I think the key is to be yourself and trust your gut. Less is always more. And, going slower is better. You want to be respected.

 

Some suggestions...

 

*don't call or email too often

*vary the types of dates....doesn't have to always be on a saturday night....can be more casual, i.e. a weeknight or activity vs. formal dinner.

*you don't have to spend a lot to impress

*don't reveal too much of yourself too soon in discussion...you don't want to get foo familiar prematurely

 

Ultimately, time will tell if it's meant to work out between you.

 

Hope that's helpful.

 

Robin

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Hi Robin,

 

I took the little questionaire and I am a mensch. My problem is I find a man, he pursues me and I get scared and I don't get too attached. However, there is this point where I switch places and then I become the pursuer and scare them away. Its like they slow down their pursing of me and I run with it.

 

How does one effectively pursue without scaring the poor men away. Also what do you think of online dating? Do you think it gives you sort of a false interpretation of the person? That you really can't know if they are the "nice" gal or "nice" guy? Do you have any tips on what to look for and to watch out for when online dating?

 

Thank you!

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To Worknprogress & others --

 

Online dating can work.....but you want to pursue it safely and smartly. It's easy to forget that you're actually writing to a "real" person....so to speak. Don't exchange too many long, detailed emails before making the first date. And, don't feel like to need to reveal all, including your past relationships and desire to get married, etc. When you write about yourself and create your profile, make sure it doesn't read like a resume. Write with color and personality. I address this in my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. And make sure you post a good photo of yourself that is truly representative of how you look and not a mug shot. You'd be surprised what I've seen people do. Take time to shoot a new one, if you need it.

 

On another note, re: your other question.....if the guy slows down....don't be tempted to run with it. Guys don't do anything they don't want to do...so take his lead....have patience and live your life.....and meet other people. Don't become the pursuer.

 

All the best,

Robin

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southerngirl --

 

If you treat each other with respect...that is a good start.

 

Keep your communication open. Discuss concerns and work toward coming up with positive solutions that you can both live with as a couple.

 

Marriage isn't always easy.....but if you are committed....you will want to make it work. You have to accept that there will be ups 'n down.....but try to have fun and go on "dates" with each other to help keep the romance alive. Stay connected....share in activities.....take a real interest in each other's work, passions, etc....even if the'yre not the same as you.

 

Always remember why you married this person to begin with.

 

Robin

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Rose --

 

Nice people don't always think they deserve to be with a nice person.....or they might think that other nice people don't exist. Neither is true. You need to feel entitled....that you truly deserve to be with someone good.

 

You don't want to settle. People sometimes get anxious and are willing to accept what comes along. But......you have a choice.

 

A mensch will stand the test of time and be there for you, no matter what. They will be a source of support and love and caring.

 

If you are able to read my book....I talk about "red flags" that you want to be aware of when you are dating. A key one is.....is this person doing what they say? On the most basic level, for example, if they promise to call at a certain time....do they? Are they reliable? How do you feel in between the dates? Do you find yourself questioning their motives? Do you feel insecure? These are not good signs.

 

A great way to meet a mensch is to do volunteer work. If someone is involved with a cause they care about and is conscious about giving back to the community/world..... that is one sign of a good person.

 

Sure....it has been said that opposites attract......but ultimately, mensches make the best marriage material, in my humble opinion. And, when people refer to "opposites".....you might have different personalities, i.e. you are talkative and he's not.....but that could work out fine since you can potentially bring out the best in each other. But, it's pretty difficult....if not impossible....to make someone a good person if it doesn't come natural to them.

 

Wish you all the best,

Robin

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Firscodj --

 

Sorry for the delay in responding to you. You pose an intriguing question, and you are not alone. I have done love coaching work with a number of clients who have blatantly stated that they don't want to meet a mensch (decent person)....it seems boring to them.

 

There are different ways to define "nice". You certainly don't want someone who is doormat and lives their life just to please. And, there is something to be said for a little intrigue when you're in pursuit of someone. If someone is acting nice because they are trying to be the ideal girlfriend, then understandably, that is not appealing. You want them to be themself....and ideally that would be someone who isn't self-absorbed, shows concern for others, respects you.....etc.

 

As good as mensches are, they aren't perfect....no one is. They have their moments, and that's ok. But, it's the depth of character that is important and having a positive outlook toward life.

 

No....not everyone is "nice" in their own way. They might think they are.....but their actions speak volumes. They may not have the clarity to see it....and it may be the best they are capable of. It's not your job to try to translate their motives. That is a lot of work....and a relationship shouldn't be that hard.

 

You don't want to look at the concept of "nice" as dull. View it as someone having integrity...and even someone who wants to do good in the world, as I wrote in another post.

 

I commend you for identifying patterns in your relationships and want ing to break from that. Awareness is a good first step. Perhaps you can give some thought to how you met women you've dated in the past and see if they are other types of activities you might pursue that would put you in the company of different types of women?

 

Focus on what you want for the long run and what it would take for you to be happy. In my book, I offer a number of Exercises that people can take, and I find that it can help to put things in writing. You might want to explore some of them.

 

Warm regards,

Robin

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Its interesting that you point out that we need to notice whether or not we feel insecure and whether or not they stick to their word. I've known guys who seemed overly nice when I first met them. They were full of promises and their main goal seemed to be directed towards pleasing me. Yet, despite flowery words and what-not, when it came to actions- they never really did what they said they would do. Its an interesting thing, because they were pleasant people...and easy to be around- not controlling. You'd think that would have made them nice people, right? I've always associated "nice" with someone who didn't have a contentious or difficult personality. Its really hard to pick up on who a truly nice person is. Also, when it comes to insecurity, I wonder how much would be my fault?

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I seem to attract the guys who want to marry me and want a commitment from me. Arn't I supposed to be the one chasing the brass ring? and the males supposed to be running the other way?

 

I don't want to marry a mensch. I don't want to marry at all right now. But I don't want to be alone and celebite either. And yes.... where the heck to you find a mensch or order one up? I think my coey niceness attracts.... drama.

 

And is a mensch attracted to a strong independent woman? I see many strong men with a lot of "fluff"... and I just don't do fluff. I won't sell myself short and dumb myself down.

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Anyone can get married.....or almost anyone. The challenge is to be married and happy....so why rush into anything if it doesn't feel right?

 

If you are someone who trusts your instincts and feels good about themself....then you're in a positive place....and that is important when you are trying to attract a mensch.

 

I don't believe in game-playing or chasing the brass ring. And, I don't advocate marriage unless it is something you want for yourself. It takes work to find the right person....and to maintain a good relationship....so enjoy your singlehood, live your life.....and it will happen when it's meant to, once you decide it is a priority for you.....then you'll take proactive socializing steps, and that is where my book might be able to help guide you, if you seek further advice.

 

All the best,

Roibn

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YOu meantioned that if someone is talkative and the other is not, that this can work..

 

Im definitely more outgoing and talkative than my husband. He is a great listener but not so much a talker.

 

Sometimes this is frustrating, but I try to remind myself that its nothing personal he just is a man of little words.

 

So you say it can work? Any communication tips for us, he really does treat me well my biggest complaint is that he just doesnt talk much.

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Perhaps I am off here... but after reading the link article I have a very sour taste in my mouth. I do believe that I most likely qualify for the title of mensch, however the impression the article gave me was that the goal is to capture or to manipulate with the goal being to marry the proverbial "Nice Guy". Sorry if I am mistaken here in my impression (which I may be as it's late and I'm a bit tired), but it sounds to me like the whole Idea is to marry based on rewards / gain, not Love. To me the whole purpose of looking for a mate is to find my soul-mate.. the one who makes me feel whole and who I make feel whole, faults and all. The Chemistry has to be there and it's all something that is sensed.. not done by equasion or by learning to do just the right things to attract etc, as if you can't just be yourself in the first place how long are you going to be willing to continue it for your partners sake? ... I may take some flack for this post, but just felt compelled to post anyway.

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I couldn't agree with you more. It is certainly not about manipulation, game playing, etc.....and that's not the premise of my book.

 

The book emphasizes the importance of living a quality life...and in fact, being a mensch to yourself and others, so that you can attract good. Certainly the goal is to marry someone you love and connect with on various levels. Attraction/chemisty can come for different reasons.

 

The reason I write about trying to marry a mensch is because I have found that some people sell themselves short and settle for less. Then, they wind up divorced or unhappy because they don't have a mutually respectful relationship where each party offers support, love, caring, etc. That is the "gain" in marrying a mensch....to know that someone is capable of truly being present for you.....but of course, you have to be there for them as well. It works both ways.

 

Some people complain that there are no "good" people out there....but then, if they were to truly examine their socializing efforts, they would see that they may be seriously lacking. My goal is to inspire people to pursue fun and gratifying activities, both, so they have the opportunity to connect with more quality people....and I make specific suggestions, to offer some direction to those who seek it.

 

There is no perfect mensch or mate. It's all what we choose to make of it.

 

Robin

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Southerngirl --

 

I can relate to your situation. My husband is man of few words as well.....so we are different in that way....and it can be frustrating at times.

 

I have come to respect that what he does say is generally valuable, helpful, coming from a good place, etc....and he is a good listener....so there's a lot to be said for that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is self-centered and talks a lot, but the words don't mean much.

 

I ask him about his work day and try to engage him. And, let him know when there is something specific I want to discuss and need his opinion. No doubt there are specialized books on this subject that you might want to explore.

 

I have learned that, since you can't get everything in one person, I am grateful for good girlfriends who I can chat with endlessly to get my conversational needs satisfied in another way.

 

I am a big believer that you always want to have good friends in your life, whether you are married or not.

 

Robin

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Hi everyone --

 

Just wanted to say I enjoyed chatting with you all this week....and appreciate those who took the time to visit and share their thoughts. Feedback on my work is always taken to heart....and I invite you to visit my website, link removed, if you would like to stay in touch. I do hope, in the near future, to produce an email newsletter.

 

Also....in case you are interested.....I will be offering workshops at the GreenHouse Spa, Nov. 12 - 18. link removed -- for details.

 

Warm regards....and all the best with your relationships

 

Robin

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