single guy needs advice, married woman wants an affair

[bluef1n]

Something strange happened to me recently and I'm torn and not sure what exactly is the right thing to do. So far I think I've pretty much done the right thing but I'm not sure how to proceed..

 

I was out at a local bar where I hang out a few nights a week.. I met and was having a great time with a woman who I soon found out was married, which happened after we'd done a good deal of flirting.. I'm 29 and she's 36. There's a very strong attraction, she is absolutely my type, if she was single without question I'd be all over her..

 

Not to get off topic but this all came at a very odd time for me as well. Within the last 2 months I've slept with 5 different girls, 1 was a textbook one night stands the other 4 were casual dates where we would go out and have a good time, sleep with eachother, and not neccesarily even talk for another week or two. Since I became single in the spring the whole summer went kinda this way, but the last couple months has been a little "out of control"... besides basic physical attraction I have not met one I really wanted to spend much time with yet. I'd call it "maintainance sex"...

 

While actually having sex with the last girl I was with I was thinking about the way it was the last time I had sex with someone I cared about and realized the casual sex just isn't satisfying me anymore.. I stopped, told her I was tired, and left.. on the way home I deleted every girls number out of my phone that I could call for casual dating/sex and am soooo glad I did it.

 

Back to the married girl.. so it was closing time and we walked out together, she said she had a couple hours before she needed to be home and wanted to come home with me. I gave her a hug, said she was extremely attractive, a great person, and that I wanted her, but that she was married and that she needed go home to her husband and 3 kids... she got this sad look on her face, she was thinking I didn't want her. I fealt bad in a way and alsoI fealt like she didn't believe me so I kissed her to proove my point.. it was a great kiss, followed by another, followed by another.. then we started talking, we walked to my car, and pretty much just talked and flirted for hours. If it was a first date it would've been the best I'd ever had..

 

Basically both her and her husband are cheating on eachother... I would've been her third if I let things get that far. She shared many details with me, besides the fact her husbands an alchoholic they've got alot of other issues... pretty much their 15+ year marriage is inevitably over.. it's just a matter of when one of them actually pulls the trigger.

 

So in talking to her I was just honest... I hope I didn't do more harm than good. I stated I'd certainly date her, and would certainly sleep with her if she was single/divorced, and that she was very attractive, very sweet and warm, and that other guys would certainly feel the same way.

 

Eventually we both really needed to go home and I gave her my number and said she could call me anytime, she was amazed I did that (which I found strange)..

 

So anyway she called and we spoke for awhile and she asked if we could be friends and if we could see eachother sometime... I said we could.

 

I like her, I want to spend time with her, but at the same time I don't want to make her life worse, I don't want to ruin a marriage that might be fixable, and I don't want to get killed/stalked by some crazy husband or x-husband or whatever..

 

* * * should I do know? How do I look at this?

 

Thanks for any help here.

[Batya33]

As my mom would say in a similar situation "you can't go back to holding hands." Think of it this way - part of the reason you decided to stop having casual sex is that you felt badly about yourself and your self-image while having casual sex. Think about how much worse you would feel about yourself if you got intimately involved with a married woman with children, knowing it could go no further, knowing the additional chaos and havoc it would bring to her life and her kids' lives.

 

You cannot be friends with this woman - because neither of you will ignore the big "attraction elephant" in the room, right? You will not be able to be unbiased or supportive at all given the chemistry. Run like the wind - she is a train wreck. Tell her to call you if and when her divorce is final for at least a year (and decided whether at your age you'd like to be her kids' stepfather and deal with an alcoholic ex).

[CarnelianButterfly]

Don't let this go any further. Just because she's cheating and he's cheating doesn't make the marriage over until its over. Do you really want to add to and already horrible situation? Think of the fact that she has 3 children that she should be thinking of.

 

If you get involved you are bound to get hurt because she may never leave her husband and continue to use you. If she wants a relationship make her divorce and wait until then, other wise its a really messed up deal for you.

[itsallgrand]

Eeeks! Run, run, run.

 

Do you want to be a pawn in a sick little game? This lady is a user. And selfish - she has three kids for gawdsakes.

 

It's always the sad story and pouting that users try to get their way. Why would you feel bad for saying "No" to a married woman? She is the one who should have felt bad for encouraging a tryst.

 

Maybe you feel strongly for her because she is extremely needy and so is eager to please. Maybe YOU need some TLC and genuine attention right now. Being single can be tough, casual sex takes its toll on a person's soul.

 

I suspect you need some lovin', not a sordid drama. And this is just drama.

[Hope75]

Hi There and welcome to enotalone.

 

Batya and Carnelian brought up some good points. You say that you are sick of 'casual sex/relationships', but really, how in depth can this relationship get when she is still married and goes home to him and their 3 kids?

 

Just because each is cheating does not make it right.... and for whatever reason they are not ready to end their marriage, making you (the 4th!) extramarital affair she's had. It seems as though she is unhappy in her marriage and instead of focusing energies on either working through the problems or ending it altogether, she's looking for a temporary solution to the problem, or a 'pick me up' to get her through for a bit more while she stays in a lousy situation. The fact that she's had 3 previous affairs and non have lasted tells you the pattern this woman follows, and after all three she still has not left hubby.

 

This reeks of trouble, my friend, and I suspect you smell it too or you would not have posted here about it. I do not think you can be friends with her either, knowing the attraction you share is just going to get you both into trouble.

 

Do yourself (and her children) a favor and delete her number and move on. This is not going to end well for you, and you deserve a relationship that is whole, honest, and commited 100%. Do you think so too?

[New_Horizons]

What a selfish, SELFISH ***** she is.

[heloladies21]

Her husband going psycho is a legit concern, but as for any moral obligations, you have none. You are very single and have no commitment issues.

[Batya33]

Her husband going psycho is a legit concern, but as for any moral obligations, you have none. You are very single and have no commitment issues.

 

What about moral obligations to the children and the increased havoc that likely will be caused by infidelity? Or the fact that if she gets pregnant, he can't marry her because she is already married? Or his willing participation in her adultery?

[LimeGreen]

What you need to do is tell her to get a divorce first. Then you two can talk.

 

I don't give a hoot if she's in an unhappy marriage. That still doesn't negate her (or her husband's) on the side activities.

 

I find it hard to swallow that them both have been in various affairs but neither of them want to initiate a divorce. Why? The answer is, who would when you can have the best of both worlds, a lover on the side and still go home with no guilt whatsoever.

 

I'm sorry buddy. But you're probably just her outlet as the three previous were. This woman absolutely does not value the sanctity of the vows she took and very likely, she upholds no sense of morals. By entering into a relationship with her, you put yourself back to square one. You're no farther from the night when you had your last casual sex encounter.

[Rabican]

Any girl that will cheat on her hubby will cheat on you. Even if she says it over, its obviously not over if they are still married. Whats to stop her from deciding one day (lets say you were together) that you two were suddenly OVER... only she doesnt bother to tell you this... she just goes out to hook up with another man.

 

The friendship is based on attraction, and her desire to cheat on her husband. I would tell her to give you a call when her divorce was final and you could hang out. Otherwise you think its innapropriate for you to see her.

[heloladies21]

What about moral obligations to the children and the increased havoc that likely will be caused by infidelity?

These are her obligations and her concerns. They are not his children.

 

Or the fact that if she gets pregnant, he can't marry her because she is already married?

Obviously he should use protection as she is possibly having sex with multiple partners.

 

Or his willing participation in her adultery?

He is single, she only has the obligation not to cheat. And if it's not going to be with him,it will certainly be someone else.

[bluef1n]

I'm gonna read each one of these but this one kinda has got me wrong.

 

BTW I like that "you can't go back to holding hands"..

 

My self image having casual sex was fine, I tend to think casual sex is usually a good thing. What sucked about it is it's not satisfying. I guess I realized there's more to sex than just someone who's hot, I miss the *real* thing and want to feel that again.

[bluef1n]

Hmm.. good points and thanks all. Never thought she could actually be using me in a way..

 

As far as the kids, not concerned with that. I've dated girls (divorced) with kids and this is something I've allready thought about.

 

I have none of my own making and probably never will for the simple fact that alot of things go wrong in 20 years, and paying child support is extremely unattractive. So in a way it's good to meet a girl with kids, I get kids without the paperwork and legal consequences. Yes I'd take responsibility if things hit that point, but nobody is gonna take 25% of my income for them down the road unless I agree to it.

 

A couple things.. as far as her other "affairs", they weren't affairs but rather guys she slept with. Her and I went into this and she would have had no reason to lie about it - basically every one of those guys she only saw once with a purpose in mind and it was over..

 

As far as her cheating on her husband, how many here agree that it would really make her likely to cheat on others in future relationships?

 

At least my take on that is most of the people I've ever known, including myself, have cheated on their significant others at the tail end of what were once good and significant relationships... seems pretty standard to me, an ugly truthe.

 

Mabye I'm just way off on this too, but I think when there are complications like kids and a home it's that much harder to break it off and cheating is more understandable?

 

Ok so I know and agree - logically speaking I should run,but I do like the girl, and if she was divorced I'd be all over her without question..

 

So where do I draw the line? No contact at all or is it ok to talk on the phone?

 

I wouldn't want to tell her if she gets divorced I'd see her because based on the odds we wouldn't work out.. so should I just tell her she needs to get divorced and to call me if it ever happens?

 

Thanks for all your input, everyone here is great!

[heloladies21]

Same chance of her cheating on you if she was completely single and had never cheated in her life. It's all about how into you she gets stays.

 

Feel free to tell her to call you when the divorce is done, but you'll probably never hear form her again because once she gets it done, which might never happen formally, you'll be a distant memory.

[bluef1n]

Same chance of her cheating on you if she was completely single and had never cheated in her life. It's all about how into you she gets stays.

 

Feel free to tell her to call you when the divorce is done, but you'll probably never hear form her again because once she gets it done, which might never happen formally, you'll be a distant memory.

 

Yah I tend to agree with those statements.

 

I think she is getting a divorce and soon, but regardless *if* I have a legitimate interest that I'd like to see through, I think we are going to need to stay in touch. Just like some seemingly really great girl or guy who you meet and never calls you again, you forget no matter how great they seemed.

 

Who agrees with that?

[Hope75]

Yah I tend to agree with those statements.

 

I think she is getting a divorce and soon, but regardless *if* I have a legitimate interest that I'd like to see through, I think we are going to need to stay in touch. Just like some seemingly really great girl or guy who you meet and never calls you again, you forget no matter how great they seemed.

 

Who agrees with that?

 

I would tend to think that since she has used infidelity in the past as a way to deal with stress in her marriage, she would continue to do so in a future relationship once it became "routine".

 

As for her other affairs being one night sexual encounters, it still holds the same principle- she is cheating. Yes, it is harder to walk away from a marriage that holds children and other commitments, but that certainly does not excuse or allow cheating. If she is as miserable as she claims, divorce in their case would be a blessing for all involved.

 

This is an age old tale.. how many times has the line "my marriage is miserable, he beats me, he cheats on me, woe is me I have to sleep is other men to feel special" been used? Ask yourself how much you really believe it- and why this case is any different than the million other affairs that start out this way.

 

Think about this logically for a second. No one EVER says, "you know, my marriage is pretty good, not all that bad, but what they heck I'll sleep around anyway". Her line is a defense mechanism to justify doing what she knows is wrong.

 

As for her not wanting to lie to you, I have trouble believing anyone whose morals include cheating on her spouse multiple times with multiple partners.

 

I stand by what I said before about your staying in contact with her. I think if you do you are treading dangerous waters...if the attraction is there now and she is serious about it- she will take the steps to end her unhappy marriage and enter a proper relationship with you- and she will respect your choice not to remain involved in ANY type of fashion with her, as for right now, she is off the market.

[Juliana]

She's been lying to you since the minute she met you. She's been lying about her availability, emotionally if not physically, lying about her intentions, and lying about who she is.

 

Now, there's always a little bit of lying about who we are in first encounters. No one needs to know that you're not always the interesting, funny person you seem to be.

 

But this chick is lying on a deeper level; she's got two lives going. In one life, she's a single woman. Telling you she's married doesn't change the fact that she had her tongue down your throat after -- what? Two hours? In the other life, she's a married woman, with three little kids and bills to pay and a husband who has mental problems he's dealing with by drinking. You see the attraction of life #1 over life # 2. But in order to maintain both simultaneously, she has to be something of a cast-iron b*tch. There's a part of her that goes home and laughs that she can get two men wrapped around her finger so easily.

 

Don't be a fool. You say you want something deeper? That's what you're looking for? You have more chance of that with the one-night stand you had. This woman is unavailable, on so many levels, she needs an exorcist, not a divorce.

 

Look. If she contacts you again, tell her you'll see her when she's separated. Then hang up the phone, and move on. Do not try to be her friend. She's got friends. Your life is at risk here; this woman could chew up precious hours in which you could meet your dream girl. Don't let her.

[Royltnxile]

Blue,

 

You're single, no kids, never been married, I'm assuming attractive..etc..etc. You are completely unattached and emotionally available. You have tired of casual "meaningless" sex and seem to be ready for the "deeper" feelings that come with love?

 

YET, you are thinking about getting involved with a women who is saddled with a bad marriage, 3, (count-em)..3 children, and who has no integrity whatsoever??????????????????????

 

This one is a "no-brainer". The reality of your situation with this woman is so glaring it's almost blinding! There is only one course of action you should take with her: Run, don't walk, away!

 

She has no integrity. She is a cheater. She is most likely embellishing the negatives about her marriage. The other posters are right - she's bad news and further involvement with her will only cause you pain and hassle.

Save yourself the trouble, turn your back on her, and keep your eyes open for women who are available for the kind of relationship you want.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Well.....cheating with a married woman can lead to a baseball bat upside your head from her Husband!

Even though he may be cheating also, I'm sure he would go ballistic if he found out some other guy was parking his car in his wife's garage....Be careful my brother!

[trash mail]

dont have the relationship.

It is based on bad foundations

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i read a great quote once that said that people that fall into the internal machinery of another person's marriage usually get ground up and spit out again... it's true! marriages can be complicated and you could be nothing but her latest pawn in a 'get even' game with her husband... and it is true that plenty of married people will tell all kind of 'sad' stories to hook in an affair partner and overcome the other person's conscience and fears in order to get them to participate in a sick marital game that they don't even know they are playing...

 

a person who really wants to leave a marriage leaves a marriage... simple but true... all other excuses are just pitiful hooks to up the ante to get you to engage in some behavior you are not sure is a good idea...

 

so i would agree, if you do contact her, tell her call me when you are no longer living with him, legally separated, otherwise, go to a marriage counselor and work it out with your husband. the harsh reality is that lots of people use affairs to *extend* a bad marriage, not end it... an affair is just their pressure valve to release some steam, and NOT a true end to the marriage, or true beginning of another good relationship. don't be a pawn, or a sucker... if she's serious, she will leave him and maybe then you could *think* about seeing her, but only with caution because she obviously has no compunction about cheating as acceptable behavior...