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I don't know, but I sure feel like one.


I just asked my girlfriend's mother permission to proposed. She was sort of indifferent. She said whatever makes my daughter happy will make me happy. That may not sound bad, but knowing how much her Mom loves me, I thought I would receive a little more excitement from her end. It was a bad time because her Mom had plans to go out, so I probably asked her at a bad time. She did tell me to call her later


So I called her today. I told her thank you, but I told her I feel like you are not too happy about it. She said, do you want me to be honest. I said yes.

She said my daughter thinks you are a great guy, and loves being with you, be isn't in love with you. She told me that her daughter crys alot, because she thinks I am a great guy, and is everything she wants in a man.

I wasn't totally shocked, because my girlfriend told me this before, but I thought she came around. She told me her feelings for me has changed, and her love for me grew. I asked her Mom, when did her daughter tell her this she said about a month ago.


That relieved me a little, because last month my girlfriend told me the same thing her mom said, but she said give her time. She has since changed, and has been more affectionate, and even told me she is so glad I didn't give up on her. She also told me she wants me to meet her father (who is very tough) so I am feeling like we have turned the corner.


I posted on the Getting back together thread because she broke up with me in January, and after 9 weeks of NC she came back to me. We have been through a lot, but we always worked it out. She knows what I am about. She knows I love her and want to marry her. However, I never pressure her. I don't smother her. I let her be. I have my life, and she has hers, but I do want to marry her, and she knows this.


So I am thinking we have made it through tough times, and I see changes in her. She is more affectionate, she tells me she loves me, she misses me, and I though at times I still have doubts, I am thinking she is onboard, and is ready to go to the next level.


Obviously I was wrong, and to be honest I feel like an idiot. Her mom told me to talk to her, and said she really doesn't know what she is feeling because her daugther hasn't spoken to her about it in awhile. I don't know if that is good or bad, but her Mom said its up to her. Her Mom told me she likes me, her family likes me, and know its up to her daugther.


I sometimes feel like its a cruel joke. Everything on the outside seems perfect. We have a lot in common, we are both devout Chrisitans with similar values. I make her laugh, and we have fun. Our families like each other. People say we look great together. She tells me I am everything she wants in a man, but It may all be for nothing.


So I will talk to her when she gets back from Atlanta. And even though the last 3 weeks have been great, and we have made some breakthoughs my heart is hurting as if we broke up.


So ask the question Am I an idiot? I am no stranger to love. I am 37 years and have dated a ton of women. I have had 3 other serious relationships, so I have been through alot, but yet I don't learn.

The funny thing if someone here posted my situation I would say 'get out of there" She told you she isn't in love with you. You deserve better. Yet for some reason I believe she is in love with me. I guess its because I have felt it. I have seen it in her eyes. I have read what she wrote. She came back to me. She still wants to be with me. Am I just niave? Am I just in denial. I don't know.


I guess time will tell. If she tells me she isn't at least thinking about marrying me I am going to feel like a dope.

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It sounds like there are some promising developments in this relationship, but I would caution you against making such a big move so soon. Could you consider giving things more time, say, maybe six months, even a year, before taking that next step? You said in your post that you were afraid you were coming on too strong at first...and I really believe that this would only scare her away. Give this delicate relationship time to blossom, and don't rush it!

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I remember your post from a while ago, she criticized your facial expressions.


I know things are very confusing for you and all of your doubts are well founded. She has lost interest and you aren't doing anything to change the way she thinks/acts. The solution is not what you think. You have to start sticking up for yourself and not accepting this 60% interested in you relationship. It tells her in very bold letters that you have no self respect and this is a turn off.


There is a fundamental flaw with how you interact with and view women in general. You are in no position to get married because it would surely end in divorce and/or getting cheated on. You still have some learning to do and there are resources out there to help you.

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Hey man,


It's been a really hard lesson for me to learn too...but you gotta look at the woman's actions and not listen to her words so much. Actions scream...talk is cheap! Also why o why are you working on her mother? Are you living in the 19th century? In the old days men would ask the girl's father for his daughter's hand...so stop working on the mom...it can only lead to trouble! You also sound very self-deprecating...this basically gives women the green light to sh** all over you...because after all you do it yourself! Read some books or take a course on public speaking and try to bolster your confidence man...I don't think you sound like you're in any shape to marry anyone.

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To be honest, I think you are so eager to be married that it is clouding your judgment. Only a month ago your g/f said she wasn't in love with you- and now you are getting ready to propose? That seems way, way too soon.


I think that intangible spark of love is missing (from your gf's side, at least). Most people who have dated a lot have encountered this very situation- a match that looks perfect- similar interests, life-styles, values, etc- but something is just missing.


I think you are putting yourself through a lot of pain trying to force a match with this girl. And I think that pain is only going to get worse, the more serious you become. You deserve a relationship where you have no doubt how much you are loved and cherished, and I don't think you are getting it from this girl, no matter how much you (and maybe she) want it.

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Thanks. I need a slap in the face. Just to make it clear. I know it sounds like I am this desperate man who just wants to get married, but its not that way.

I could have been married plenty of times, and with attractive woman. Believe me I am very desirable to women, and that was partly the reason she wanted me back (she said told me the thought of another woman snatching me up drove her crazy). She sees how outgoing I am, and how women react to me. She on the other hand is very quiet and shy. They say watch out for the quiet ones.


I honestly believe I can get any woman I want, but when I fall in love I become like mush. I let my guard down, and it seems to scare them off. I guess that is a problem. Why is this way? I have been with a ton of women, and I have only been in love once before, and that ended because she was bi-sexual. That took me years to get over, and since then I have broke a few hearts (not proud of it, it hurt me just as bad).

I have guarded my heart, and now I thought I found the one. The one I can let my guard down, and now I am paying for it.


I have read the books and I refuse to play the games those book promote. Yeah, I know you have to act indifferent, act like you don't need them. I know I did all that just to get laid, and it does work. But I don't want that.


I thought I met someone that I could be real with. Someone that I can let my guard down with, but obviousy seems to be a mistake. Its frustrating.


Thanks for advice. I will talk to her, and just ask where I stand. If she isn't sure. I am out! It will be hard, but I have no choice.

I have had women fall in love with me, and I know how they act. She shows flashes of it at times, but she is too inconsistant.

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I have read the books and I refuse to play the games those book promote. Yeah, I know you have to act indifferent, act like you don't need them. I know I did all that just to get laid, and it does work. But I don't want that.

Not the case, I'm not stressing any of that. That actually might be part of the problem, that you aren't willing to show your true emotions, whether they be positive or negative. This equals boredom to a chick.

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You say "I thought I met someone that I could be real with. Someone that I can let my guard down with…"


I went back and looked at some of your previous threads. I didn't even need to read them, because the titles say it all:


  • Got back w/ my ex but feel insecure
  • She never compliments me
  • She loves me but is not in love with me
  • I am hanging by a thread
  • She doesn't like my facial expressions
  • Something doesn't feel right
  • Am I an idiot?

This has been going on since the early part of this year- this relationship has made you anxious, insecure and sad. I really thing the kindest thing you can do for yourself is try to move on from this girl and this relationship. I don't think there is anything you can do to fix it. You truly deserve someone who loves you and with whom you feel secure. Don't spend 8 more months in this situation. (hugs)



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Hey Drum,


I have to agree with Jenny. Sometimes the dynamics just aren't right with someone we love, or think we love. I think you need to get out of this one, and either take a breather from relationships altogether, or just find someone fun to date for a while with no serious overtones. I know that not being able keep someone makes us want them even more, and you have to get really clear on this....and it takes time...give yourself that time to heal. Best.

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