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Being the support person


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I've only been married a little over a year and I am struggling to keep a happy perspective on my marriage. Since I met my wife I have always been in a supportive role. For the first couple years of our relationship I supported her because she had trouble working due to emotional problems which she claims was from past relationships. I was patient and wanted to help her get through it.

 

Since we've been married I find myself feeling like I have a child rather than a wife. I am always trying to help her take care of hereslf, she has an illness right now which prevents her from working, so it is hard to complain. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a partner who helps out finaically.

 

I love and care for my wife very much, but I can't help but find myself in moods of feeling sorry for myself because I have all the responsibilities. My wife has outright said that she doesn't take care of herself physically or care much for her appearance because she knows I am not picky about that stuff. This is true, but I am not a total saint and would like her to dress nice once in awhile so I can enjoy her appearance.

 

And I can't help but feel a little jealous or cheated out thinking that she gave more to cheating guys or married men she had affairs with than me because I don't complain.I feel like I've given her eveything she ever wanted and she's spoiled now. It's almost like I wish we stayed single so she would care more and try to give back to the relationship in all the ways anyone wuold expect.

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I think you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel... is there nothing she can do to earn money? Home business of some sort, selling stuff on ebay etc. etc. she could probably open some sort of mail order business or website or something... Just an idea.

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My wife has outright said that she doesn't take care of herself physically or care much for her appearance because she knows I am not picky about that stuff. This is true, but I am not a total saint and would like her to dress nice once in awhile so I can enjoy her appearance.

 

Gosh, what a horrible thing of her to say. That's how relationships get stale, when no effort is made...Is her illness preventing her from taking care of herself?

 

Too bad telling her that you'd like her to make a little effort will not get you anywhere. How about getting her a small feminine present: nailpolish, lipstick, etc.? If it seems obvious that you're bribing her to dress up, you can always just say that they were giving out samples and you thought she might have fun with them...

 

As far as you being the support, I really hope you resolve that problem soon! I'm assuming that you don't have children yet...have you talked about having them in the future? It will be incredibly hard for you to take care of her and them...But then again, maybe once she has kids to think about, she won't need as much support from you? (Don't have kids just to test that hypothesis though!!!)

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You should tell her the way you feel. She's in a relationship with you, not her father. You are half the problem here, because you are accepting this behaviour. You will need to make demands, argue, complain, do what guys do. If she's sick, that's a reality thing; she can't work. She can't control that. But you can argue like crazy about anything she can control; i.e. her appearance. Yes, you'd love her even if she was unattractive, but that's unfair to you.

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she had trouble working due to emotional problems which she claims was from past relationships

 

???

 

Please tell me there is a wayyyy better reason for her not working...!!! Because from my perspective it sounds like a) she is perfectly happy not working or doing anything of much importance to contribute and b) you're enabling her

 

EVERYONE has emotional problems from past relationships. Jeez...

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