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I have been dating this guy on and off again for almost a year and a half. I have completely fallen in love with him and I know he's not emotionally there yet with me.

 

I tend to always call him and make plans with him. Its like I can't help it. I try to back off and I just get anxiety attacks when I don't hear from him. I do hang out with my friends and keep myself busy with other activities, planning vacations, getting away, but I still get so sensitive about everything.

 

When I do ask him to do stuff with me he usually agrees, or if I call him he usually returns my phone calls. I mean maybe he is just going with the flow because I am making it so easy for him. I don't mind calling and making plans but it would be nice if he could step up to the plate a little bit.

 

He definitely likes me and when we do hang out he is extremely affectionate with me and cute with me, and that's what makes the relationship so confusing to me.

 

I just think I need to let him come to me, but I really don't know how. I mean how many days before I can call him. I can usually handle about 2-3 days before I cave and call. And when we talk everything seems normal. For the most part I do talk to him almost everyday but it is because I do initiate. I just need some guidelines and stick to them on helping him chase me a little.

 

Thanks

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I think the problem is that this type of relationship simply isn't healthy for you so it's not really that you're being "weak" it's that it simply doesn't work for you. Having said that, here is what I would do. Tell him, "I feel uncomfortable doing most of the initiating in this relationship. So, I am not doing this to play hard to get, to play games but simply because this situation doesn't work for me. If you want to get together, please call me and give me at least a few days' notice because I am going to start making other plans in advance. I'd also like you to suggest activities and plans."

 

Here's the thing - the more you cave, the less desirable you are to him - as you said, you set up this pattern and it sounds like it suits him just fine. Because it doesn't suit you, your options are to either leave or give him a chance to step up to the plate.

 

Then, you must (!) follow through on what you said. How do you do this? Have a list of people to call instead of him (I mean, friends, relatives, etc not other men), go for a walk -do anything other than being near any forms of contacting him. You just do it and give yourself positive reinforcement for not "caving." Put a sign up on your mirror that says Don't Call [his name]" Yup I did that once - worked pretty well ;-)

 

Good luck!

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I know the anxiety-I had a spell yesterday. But Try and hold off with the phone calls. Its hard, and it may take a few days for him to contact you but..........he'll start to wonder why you haven't called and he'll call. And when he does it will feel good. And the anxiety while you are waiting for the call-well, just look at it like-he's use to you calling him, so it may take a while. But he'll call.

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Thanks Batya, I am trying to stay away from my phone, and do activities that involve me being away from it. I mean don't get me wrong he does call me sometimes, but I definitely do it way more. I just want him to want me, as much as I want him. I know you can't force it but there has got to be ways to help it.

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Thanks Batya, I am trying to stay away from my phone, and do activities that involve me being away from it. I mean don't get me wrong he does call me sometimes, but I definitely do it way more. I just want him to want me, as much as I want him. I know you can't force it but there has got to be ways to help it.

 

A funny story to share with you. About 4 years ago I started dating a man "D." Two or three times in a row, D called me on a Thursday for a Friday night date. I declined as I had plans either with friends or with me and I didn't want to be an afterthought. On the third time I said nicely "um I would love to but typically I make plans in advance for the weekend." He said "but I am more of a spontaneous type" and I replied "that's fine, I guess we won't see each other much on the weekend then, unfortunately." He considered this, asked me for the following weekend (I said yes) and then said "well what are you doing Saturday night (named a date a year from then)." I asked why and he said so that he could be sure I was free for our wedding. Well, it ended two months later but figured you'd like the example.

 

In my experience, if a guy is interested in me I don't have to tell him how to treat me - it may take a few times of "sorry I am busy" or a few days with silence on my end when I have put in sufficient effort initiating the calling - but he will learn because he will be motivated by missing you and want to hear your voice. And if he does not miss you or want to get in touch well, that will be painful yes but will it be more painful than what you are feeling now?

 

Also, this is just me but after a year and a half I would hope you had sort of set plans to spend the weekends together so that the formal asking out is less of an issue? How does it work between you two?

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Well he lives next door to me...lucky me right...Its so frustrating, because its so conveneient to just go over and hang out with him. He works on the weekends. I see him about 3-4 times a week usually. But again...its me initiating it. I am going to do a test and just not call, as freakin impossible as its going to be espeically when I have a constant reminder of him all the time, and see how long it takes him. I have done that before and it took him 2.5 days and then things were all great. Things are fine with us. There isn't any drama, (well not anymore...haha, i had to deal with his psycho ex before) and he is always really happy when he sees me. I guess I am just tired of doing all the chasing but its so painful to not hear from him

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In my experience, if a guy is interested in me I don't have to tell him how to treat me - it may take a few times of "sorry I am busy" or a few days with silence on my end when I have put in sufficient effort initiating the calling - but he will learn because he will be motivated by missing you and want to hear your voice. And if he does not miss you or want to get in touch well, that will be painful yes but will it be more painful than what you are feeling now?

 

Completely agree, well put.

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well i went one night without calling him. I left his house yesterday morning on good terms. He had a draining weekend since all of his friends came into town. Going on night number 2 without giving him a call. Who knows if he will call me again. But i am trying to distance myself from him because its driving me crazy. The anxiety i feel is not fair and I am trying to control it. I guess I will have to take it one day at a time.

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