how long does it take to heal after a breakup?

[SeaBisquit]

how long should someone wait to date seriously after a breakup? and how do you know it's not a rebound?

[WorkNProgress]

It takes however long you know you are completely over the other person. It means that you don't think about where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. You know its not a rebound relationship when you can fully give all your attention to the other person. Not being sidetracked with the thoughts of your ex and the thought of "I just don't want to be alone."

 

Take time to heal and be by yourself for a while. You will be glad you did. You are in the best place to learn all about you and what it is you need in your life.

[shes2smart]

I don't think there are any right answers for this question.

 

From my own dating history, the time period between a break-up and being ready to get back in the dating pool again varied from 1.5 years to about 2 months.

 

Oddly enough, it was my husband who I met 2 months after breaking up from a relationship with someone else. The relationship with that ex had lasted a little over 2 years and included a year of living together. I suppose to an outside observer, the relationship I have with my husband is a rebound relationship.

 

If that's the case, ALL my relationships shoulda been rebound relationships.

[SeaBisquit]

for the most part i guess i'm asking this question because i was told that guys can tell when you are vulnerable and have been thru a bad breakup.

[SeaBisquit]

shes2smart

 

 

quite interesting..... so how did you know it wasn't a rebound?

[shes2smart]

quite interesting..... so how did you know it wasn't a rebound?

 

Well, if it was a rebound, it has yet to end. We met 5 years ago and have been married about 4.5 years (and counting.)

 

I dunno...seems to me when it's gone past 2x the length of the previous relationship it's probably not a rebound.

 

Actually, I was just pointing out that an outside observer to the way I met my husband would probably remark that getting involved with someone new just 2 months after a live-in, long-term relationship broke up (and in a very nasty & spectacular fashion {I caught him cheating}) would be "too soon."

 

My husband proposed a mere week after our first date, we were married less than a year later. I'm sure some of my friends thought I was probably making a huge mistake given that the rather traumatic break-up, meeting someone new & getting married all happened in a 12-month-and-one-week period of time....but, since they're true friends, they had the good sense to keep their opinions to themselves and simply wish me well. That's why I love them.

 

Actually, I do know my close friends would have spoken up if they didn't like my husband, or the way he treated me, or the way they saw us interact together...but once they met him and saw us together, they had nothing to object to.

 

People heal at different rates. After that break-up, I was very motivated to get through it and get over it....and because of that (and a good deal of therapy), I was actually in a pretty good place to co-create a healthy relationship a mere 2 months after that break-up. After other break-ups, I was still a basket case 4 months after the fact....and the healing period after still other break-ups included a "bitter, man-hatin'" phase that went on for up to a year.

 

A lot of it depends on where you're at in your own personal growth, too. After that last break-up, I realized going through the "bitter, man-hatin'" phase didn't do anything but waste my time and keep away good men who were capable of being part of a healthy relationship. I made a conscious decision to skip that phase by realizing that I was angry with and hurt by my ex and only my ex. It made no sense to punish any and all humans with X&Y chromosomes because I happened to pick a philandering jerk.

 

This is just another one of those life situations where you are the only one who can really answer the question, "am I ready to start dating again?" All anyone else can do is offer up their experiences or give you guidelines that may or may not match up with the reality of your own experiences.

[zer0effect]

Take the time you were together and cut it in half, that is about right. Doesn't mean you can't move on, doesn't mean you will be completely healed, but it seems pretty close.

[Dako]

I agree with S2S that your own personal outlook can be thae major factor, and I suspect trying to make up a rule won't work.

I had a nasty end to a 3 year r/s that resulting in despising women for almost 3 years. I'm pretty settled a year after my ex dumped me after 27 years.

 

If the oft-quoted "half the length of relationship" rule is true, I'd have to wait another 13 years until I'm ready. No thanks.

[shes2smart]

If the oft-quoted "half the length of relationship" rule is true, I'd have to wait another 13 years until I'm ready. No thanks.

 

Eh, I was never one for following the rules anyway.

 

Seems like no matter what it is -- time healing after a break up, what's the oldest/youngest you should be dating, how many dates before having sex, etc. -- somewhere, someone's come up with some mathematical formula for it. Perhaps some people find comfort in the idea that there's some logical, rational way to deal with affairs of the heart....that somehow, some easy to understand formula can take away all the uncertainty of dealing with emotions, other people, and other people's emotions.

 

Good luck with that. Seems there are far more exceptions to the rule than cases that follow the rule.

[Juha]

Yes, everybody heals in their own time and way(s)...

 

I myself am in a women hating/using phase that I have ended after a bitter and painful breakup... It just made me feel worse being with people I did not want to be with....

 

It actually made me hate myself and made me feel worse by doing it...

 

Just take your time and you will know, especially if the right person comes along...

 

Right now I tell everybody that I am not looking nor interested in a relationship but deep down I know that if I met the right person I would at least try...

 

Hang in there...

[blemished]

I think being bitter towards the opposite sex after a painful breakup can be natural, but should be resisted! I agree with s2s (congrats by the way!) in that the length of time it takes for someone to heal post-breakup is partially dependent upon their *resolve* to heal.

 

Also, many people start to "grieve" long before the breakup occurs. Often it is erroneous to count from the time of breakup on.

 

I, too, was very motivated to put what turned out to be a failed relationship behind me, and move on and find someone more suitable for me. I was so motivated that I was torn between healing and excitement to meet someone new! Notice the past tense.

[Aurian]

I don't feel bitter about the opposite sex, just one of them

 

I know I am not ready though, because the emotional wounds are just scabs, and not healed. Its too easy to break a scab and bring the pain back.

 

(3 1/2 months and counting)