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Why do we all play mind games?


HeartAche
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Everyone knows that a healthy relationship is based on communication, "honesty is the best policy" etc... etc... Yet it seems that in some part of every relationship we all seem to play mind games with each other. Why?

 

My ex broke things off about 3 months ago and I was doing reasonably well until last Friday when she had to see me to pick up some of her stuff. I managed to get through the evening pretty calmly where I could see her shed several tears every now and then.

 

She admitted that seeing me was really hard but when I asked two straight forward questions - "Do you think about me much?" and "Any regrets?", I got the answer of "Maybe" to both. Why not just give me a straight answer? I'm guessing that, as she didn't say yes, the answer to both was no but she either didn't want to hurt my feelings or she wants me to have false hope in case she ever changes her mind.

 

As annoying as those responses were, the kicker was when I asked for the house keys back. "I want to keep them" she said. After going back and forth with "Why?" and "Because" for about five minutes she came out with "I might want to move my stuff back in". What?!?! I knew deep down the real reason was so she could come and collect the rest of her stuff when I wasn't around, so why blatently lie and give me renewed optomism?

 

Other lies throughout the evening included gems such as "I'll probably be single for the rest of my life now" and "I can't be bothered with sex anymore". Part of me thinks that there's been someone else on the scene since the day she dumped me and it's nice that she's not rubbing that in my face, but why mention anything like that at all? The old "me think the girl doth protest too much" rings loud and clear on this one.

 

Anyway, for those questioning the whole NC thing, this is a perfect example of why you need to stick with it. I was doing pretty well, it took me a while but I wasn't hurting so much. Now after seeing her again, I'm constantly going over the evenings events in my head trying to find little snippets that could have an indication she might want to get back together and I feel I'm back to square one.

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Just because she said maybe to your 2 questions, doesn't mean the answer was no. When ever my partner asks me something and i so badly want to say yes, but i can't, i say "maybe." Do you think he cryin was a front? Like fake? If not, why would she do this if she didn't feel something for you? Do you still love her? If so, why not speak to her, and ask her if you can maybe sort things out.. Good luck! x

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No I don't think the crying was fake. I think it really hit home when she went in the spare room to collect her stuff and saw all the "Me to You" Tatty Teddy oarnaments I've bought for her over the years nicely arranged.

 

I must admit, at some points of the evening I thought she wanted to come back. One example was when she seemed to not know where to start with regards to what to pack first, I said in a joking manner "see, it would be so much easier if you stayed" and she said, "yes it would".

 

I think she does still feel something for me because she said it was hard seeing me again, but she wouldn't let me hug her and when I asked if she wanted a hug she said "better not".

 

I still love her but the way she said she'd "better not" to having a hug makes me think that she's already with someone else. Surely if she was still single and wanted to get back with me, she wouldn't have packed away her things?

 

It's so confusing. I'd love to talk to her about it but, when I tried on Friday she just didn't seem to want to. Worst part is that it's opened up all those old wounds again just when I thought I was doing okay.

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well, she might have actually meant "maybe." one possibility was that maybe she did think about you and regret the breakup, but not enough to get back together.

 

however, holding onto your keys was not cool. she either stays or she leaves. if the time comes when she wants to move back in, you can have an extra set of keys made for her. until then, she doesn't get to hold onto those keys. it is strange, it is like some strange symbol she doesn't want to let go

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She's probably having a hard time letting go. Maybe she doesn't know how to respond to your questions or she doesn't want to get that personal since you broke up. Either way, being so evasive about holding on to keys and all that other stuff...annie is right. She either stays or she leaves.

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well, she might have actually meant "maybe." one possibility was that maybe she did think about you and regret the breakup, but not enough to get back together.

 

however, holding onto your keys was not cool. she either stays or she leaves. if the time comes when she wants to move back in, you can have an extra set of keys made for her. until then, she doesn't get to hold onto those keys. it is strange, it is like some strange symbol she doesn't want to let go

Yep I agree with this. There is nothing worse than the feeling of being put on a back-burner in case she doesn't meet anyone better.

 

If you haven't got them back then ask for them. Tell her that you hope she will change her mind soon but you don't plan on just waiting for her as you need to have some certainty in your life and that means getting over her as soon as you can and moving on.

 

Let her deal with the consequences of breaking up with you - and that means the distinct possibility if not probability of you not being available if she wants to come back.

 

After a break-up it is always better to assume it is over and proceed accordingly. If she wants to come back then you can decide what to do at that point - but not until then.

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Why do we all play mind games??

 

I find that most people are just plain clueless when it comes to undertanding themselves, and that this ignorance gives birth to incomplete at best, and incoherent at worst, communication.

 

If I don't know who I am or what I want how can I possibly expect you to know who I am or what I want.

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