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Am I paranoid or is my gut feeling right?


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Havign never posted anything on line before I might as well jump in at the deep end on a sensitive matter - I have recently broken up with a woman who I was totally infatuated with but totally insecure with also. I have had to face up to the fact that I am, by nature, quite insecure myself, but broke up over a number of very suspicious circumstances.

I shoud preface this by saying that the woman concerned is 39 (I am 3, has incredible sex appeal and gets a lot of attention from men. She had an affluent but emotionally neglectful childhood (father a doctor never at home, mother alcoholic), and grew up with low self esteem and lack of self confidence. As she entered her 20s she went on a sexual rampage, driven by what she described as a compulsive and constant urge for sex, and being such a babe had no shortage of willing partners. It also became apparent that she has had a lot of men over the years but very few relationships that lasted more than a few weeks or months.

 

I hung on in there and tried to calm my anxieties over her sexual past - which were made harder by the fact that she maintained numerous friendships with men who she made no effort to introduce me to, and didn't explain the history or the nature of the relationship. She did incidentally mention that before me there was a 'f#ck buddy' on the scene who she had known for some years. She was also highly independent and needed a lot of time either alone or out with her single friends, another thing that made me feel a bit insecure.

 

The thing that broke it off for me in the end was that one night we were at her place when the phone rang. She answered it and then immediately scurried through into the kitchen to take the call - partially out of earshot from me. The phonecall consisted of a few nervous one-word answers from her ending with her telling the caller ...'ummm I've got company, I've got to go'. I immediately asked her who was on the phone and she replied , slightly nervously, 'it was just my friend overseas' and then dropped the subject.

I felt extremely unsettled and raised the matter later that evening, again asking who the caller was. She then told me it was her ex-boyfriend Tim (I know who Tim was - her first love from back at uni many years ago, who left her and broke her heart). She claimed he would from time to time call her from overseas, that she never called him, that she resented his intrusion in her life and that was why she was so abrupt on the phone.

 

Now Tim apparently lives overseas, is married with kids, and broke off with Fiona nearly 17 years ago, so I have to wonder whether the Tim story is fabricated. And if it was Tim why did she not say so in the first place? And if it was all innocent why could she not take the call in front of me? Am I paranoid or rightfully suspicious?

 

I ended up getting jealous and looking at her text message history which included a couple of similarly unsettling texts, not from any Tims but from other guys, including an ex-fling who had been in town over Christmas and who she caught up with a couple of times in my absense (his text set to her on leaving town reading 'I want to cry but the tears won't come' or somesuch).

 

What do you think? My own gut feeling is that something was going on that was less than honest, although I do have a tendency for negative thinking. Too many other contributing factors to delve into here, but opinions welcomed.

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Think a bit more about what you've found (ie. text mssgs from guys) and whether this gut "feeling" is not just an insecurity on your part....lastly, you should discuss your feelings with her. It is important to handle the problems/issues that come up in a relationship when they come up....honestly, you don't want to get to the wrong conclusion, so best talk with her about how you feel, what you've found, and listen to her explanation. If this feeling still persists, then you should consider getting out of the relationship...oftentimes, our gut feelings are right.

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I think id sit her down and say look, if we are going to work out then theres something I need from you. Honesty, communications, and openess. She should not be HIDING anything, especially anything to do with any guys, f_buddies, ex boyfriends etc.

 

I would tell her that people who dont have anything to hide, dont hide anything, and if she continues to do so, you are done.

 

The past history would be a red flag to me, but more so the ongoing communication with guys that you dont know.

 

Id probably check out her phone once in a while, as it seems she may not be honest about these guys and you have a right to know.

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