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sex on the first date


bighair

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I think people are missing the point with would have, should have, could have.

 

What actually happened was that she drove to his place and had a great time and they parted on good terms. Why don't we stop with the pessimistic conjecture, be glad for her that she had a good time and look at the glass as half full instead of half-empty. Time alone will tell if she made the right decision or not.

 

The OP asked for "thoughts" and I gave my thoughts. I think it is great that she had a fun and romantic evening. I do not understand her sensitivity to her choice to have sex on the first date. Seems that she is not as comfortable with her activities as she professes to be.

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The OP asked for "thoughts" and I gave my thoughts. I think it is great that she had a fun and romantic evening. I do not understand her sensitivity to her choice to have sex on the first date. Seems that she is not as comfortable with her activities as she professes to be.

Well bighair can answer for herself but I got the impression her reaction had more to do with what she perceived as an unwarranted and insensitive attack on her morals and common-sense, that she is comfortable with her decisions that night and as a result feels that she made a mistake posting on a forum which is supposed to offer help and support in a caring way. All she wants is some reassurance about what may happen in the future not a lecture.

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Well bighair can answer for herself but I got the impression her reaction had more to do with what she perceived as an unwarranted and insensitive attack on her morals and common-sense, that she is comfortable with her decisions that night and as a result feels that she made a mistake posting on a forum which is supposed to offer help and support in a caring way. All she wants is some reassurance about what may happen in the future not a lecture.

 

I understand that she feels that way. I don't believe that observing that a person prioritizes early sex over waiting is questioning morals - it's just a question of priorities and a statement of fact - if she prioritized waiting, she would have done so. I did not see that she needed reassurance about what would happen in the future - she asked for thoughts and expressed that she was comfortable with what she did despite the risk that it might remain as a one date experience. On any first date, unless there is a specific time and place plan for a second date I don't think there is any reassurance to give about what might happen in the future. Even when there is a time and place plan things can change in a New York Minute as someone once sang.

 

I do think it was particularly risky - if she is one who gets emotionally attached by sex - to have sex where his past behavior was to cancel dates and the plan was to have her drive a great distance rather than sharing the burden. Raises a few red flags for me as to his future intentions. What we do know, however, is that apparently he was attracted enough to her to want to have sex with her, that the attraction was mutual, the sex enjoyable and they shared a lovely multiple meal date. From her post it seemed that that knowledge was sufficient for her and she wasn't particularly concerned about whether or not there was a future.

 

Finally, I think we do a disservice to all women not to continuously remind them - and post - that it is unnecesarily risky to go to a man's house for a first date particularly if you have never met him in person, where you know no one he knows and he knows you are far from home. Even if there is no rape (as here, she knew she probably would be ok with having sex) there are all sorts of other crimes that can be committed and to claim that you know someone through typing and talking well enough to go to his home is just foolish in my humble opinion. If one person reads this and thinks better about doing this the next time it will be worth incurring the OP's wrath for daring to "judge" her behavior.

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bighair, I hope you read this and come back to the forum. Please don't feel that you have only been unfairly judged or criticised or that people are raining on your parade. Many who posted hope that this relationship will work out for you and have optimism that it will. There will always be those who look for a dark lining to a silver cloud. But it is usually wise to hope for the best but be prepared for anything.

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I understand that she feels that way. I don't believe that observing that a person prioritizes early sex over waiting is questioning morals - it's just a question of priorities and a statement of fact - if she prioritized waiting, she would have done so.

 

From her post it seemed that that knowledge was sufficient for her and she wasn't particularly concerned about whether or not there was a future.

 

Finally, I think we do a disservice to all women not to continuously remind them - and post - that it is unnecesarily risky to go to a man's house for a irst date particularly if you have never met him in person, where you know no one he knows and he knows you are far from home.

 

Batya -

 

I really had some second thoughts about returning to this forum after reading your posts. The tone of your posts are patronizing and judgmental. Please don't assume to know me or this relationship. You say it's a statement of fact....you don't know the facts.

 

The only valid point is the one you made regarding safety. And, for the record, I told my brother and 2 girlfriends where I was going to be that evening. I gave them his address, and his phone number. I also googled him and used other internet tools and verified he was telling me the truth about where he lived. They all called me when I was at his place to make sure I was ok.

 

This is not about incurring my wrath...I thought this was a safe space to talk. I had no idea I was going to be judged like this. I'm certainly going to think twice about what I post here.

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I just restated your facts. You decided to go to his house, you decided to have sex on the first date because you decided that would be a good idea and was enjoyable. From the way I understand human nature, if someone does something because it is enjoyable and has a choice to do something else that might be less enjoyable (i.e. waiting to have sex if you had felt that this would be a better idea - if) then that person has prioritized one activity over another because of some kind of analysis - here because you thought it would be a better idea and more enjoyable not to wait. I don't assume to know you or your relationship - to be honest, I can't because I cannot relate to what you did in the circumstances you did - not by way of judging, simply because it is not part of the way I live my life and interact with people.

 

What I can do is accept your invitation for "thoughts" on having sex on the first date with this man. Since you asked, I gave them and I restate some below to clear up your misunderstanding that I was being patronizing or judgmental - you are entitled to judge me in that way if you like - doesn't bother me a bit.

 

All I know about you is what you posted about your date and your previous interactions with this man over the Internet. If I remember correctly, you agreed with what I advised back then about questioning his intentions based on his unreliable behavior. I might be wrong - I didn't go back and read that post.

 

I think that's great as long as you think it's great. What I find puzzling is why you asked for "thoughts" on your actions if you did not want someone to share "thoughts." You seem to agree with me that you took certain risks sleeping with him on the first date - and obviously you weighed the risks and decided that having sex on the first date was worth the risks. I have always made - and will always make - a different choice but as I mentioned I don't judge people for having sex on the first date. My guess is though you are feeling sensitive about it and judging yourself --- but lashing out at me instead - I don't mind the lashing out, but please consider whether in fact you are uncomfortable with your own actions. I am not saying you should or should not.

 

I do not agree with your safety precautions since you were miles from home and it would have been very unlikely for your friends, etc to do anything to help you from that distance. I am posting this not as much for you because you seem to find me patronizing and judgmental but for anyone else who might be reading. I had a very bad experience (not rape - just sexual assualt) going to someone's apartment on a second date and have heard of many scary stories involving just what you did. If my post can make someone else think twice or three times - that would be great. The STD concern is somewhat of a lesser concern. If it were me (and this is just me!) I would assume that if he were willing to have sex with someone the first time he meets someone, that this is something he does fairly often and thereforeeee that increases your risk of contracting an STD. I am not judging him but for purposes of your health it's better to be cautious. Chlamydia, for example can be in "hiding" - no symptoms - but very dangerous for you and your fertility so I suggest asap you get fully checked out for that and the other STDs by your doctor. I hope that's not patronizing - sorry of it is.

 

As a side note - I'm wondering about your post above that in this case you were the one who pursued the sex, etc -- it's interesting a bit in comparison to your post a few months ago - you wrote that you "have this idea in my head that i really want to be pursued by a man. that hasn't happened to me in soooo long. i really want to be chased and sought after. after my LTR where i felt like i did all the chasing, it would be so nice not to take the lead." I hadn't read that post again until now but I do remember that you were concerned about this guy not initiating a date that he was willing to keep with you. I know I know, people change, etc, just interesting.

 

Of course, as DN said, I am one of the ones that hope this turns into a lovely and romantic long and healthy relationship where you will have a great story about "how we met." Do you two have plans to see each other again?

 

Good luck to you!

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Hi Bighair,

 

In fairness to both of you. I see both points. I see that you had a great time and you sought thoughts from others. Bayta you were giving YOUR opinion just like myself and any of the others who responded to the post.

 

I myself gave you my thoughts and thats all it was.....my thoughts. Not the gospel. As with any forum you will get the good, the bad, and the ugly. That is what is so great about these forums is its a free speaking avenue to open up discussion we might not have otherwise.

 

Do I hope relationships work, yes. I also think that when we are in the middle of it, our vision sometimes gets a bit hazy. Even if we don't agree with what we seek out at least we have another take on it.

 

Don't stop posting because one of your posts didn't go the way you had hoped.

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I agree with this. However, there sometimes comes a point when offering advice when it becomes apparent that, for whatever reason, the advice is not helping and that continuing to offer it becomes repetitive and argumentative. That merely makes matters worse and can either inflame a situation or drive the person seeking advice away from the forum.

 

The primary purpose of this forum is to help. If advice is not helping then the sensible thing is to desist.

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Mod note: OK - let's drop it and return to the topic in hand.

 

bighair: if this guy is a good and caring fella you will find out soon enough. Sometimes it's worth taking a bit of a risk in a relationship and sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't. But whatever happens, you will either have a great relationship or know that you didn't miss out because you failed to take a chance.

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Batya

 

i think you should have thought it out more first. before going thru with it. because now your asking yourself alot of questions about the relationship and his intentions. think first, act later.

SeaBisquit: Batya is not the original poster - that was bighair.

 

Moderator note: Batya, I will remove any further posts of yours on this thread. Since the OP has blocked you they serve no useful purpose and will derail the thread and cause confusion.

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Don't listen to the negativity on the forums, these people are always there going to assume the worst and jump down your throat when it comes to physical stuff because they have their own issues. If you had a good time, more power to you, there are no rules when it comes to this stuff. Whether you did or didn't you still would be thinking about it vice versa. Better to have lived than not lived and if it was something you wanted better to have had it than denied it. You only live once.

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Don't listen to the negativity on the forums, these people are always there going to assume the worst and jump down your throat when it comes to physical stuff because they have their own issues. If you had a good time, more power to you, there are no rules when it comes to this stuff. Whether you did or didn't you still would be thinking about it vice versa. Better to have lived than not lived and if it was something you wanted better to have had it than denied it. You only live once.

 

Hi Zero:

 

Thanks for your post. Yes, I really wanted to meet this guy despite his awful track record of cancelling. I like him, and I enjoyed our evening together.

 

I was in an LTR for 7 years. My ex could not get his life together to give me a commitment of marriage. I experienced so much pain and anguish when we were together. I feel like I can handle myself so much better now when it comes to relationships because I survived my break up. I know that I will be able to handle this.

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