I've got to tell her who's boss, but is this too harsh?

[rekrapshyguy]

Over the past couple of weeks, this girl at my school, Terra, who I once had a sorta friendship going on with, has been treating me like crap. I think it’s about time on Monday that I address this matter, and the following is my plan on what to say. I’ve changed a couple of things in the below paragraph, but I only did so so that it would sound recent and more dramatic.

 

On Monday, I’m gona say to Terra… “Man, I’ve had one hell of an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend” If she asks about it, good. If she doesn’t, just keep going on. “I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve come to the obvious truth that I need to stop being such a submissive {mod edit}-kisser. (That reminds me of an issue I must address with you, but I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to have enough time to discuss it right now. I’ll bring it up next period. Remind me if I don’t) So, anyway, on Friday night, I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me with some low-life {mod edit}. He’s probably the type of guy that’ll end up being one of those alchaholic wife-beaters. Anyway, it’s a godsend that it happened when it did, because I was ready. I looked her straight in the eye and told her that our relationship was over. And that was that.” Change your tone to a happy one. “But I didn’t have long to think about it, because just the next day, when I was looking for a file on my laptop, I found this girl named Trisha’s e-mail. We went to school together in 8th grade, and I had this big crush on her back then. But I was also a lot shyer, so things never worked out between us. Anyway, I e-mailed her on Saturday, and she responded Sunday, and gave me her cell. I called her up, and set up a time for us to hang out this weekend. We are going to go see a movie, but I don’t know which one yet.”

 

Next period, when the teacher is gone, I’m going to look at Terra and say to her, “Okay, about what I was going to talk to you about. I think there is a fine line between kidding around with someone and making fun of them. I may be wrong, but I’m pretty damn sure that over the past couple of weeks, you’ve been treating me like {mod edit}. And I’m going to tell you, if that is the case, I will NOT stand for it. If you want to be my friend, than you are going to treat me with the respect that I deserve. That’s the bottom line. Otherwise, I’m just going to have to completely stop having anything to do with you. From this day forward, I REFUSE to kiss your{mod edit} any longer. And I mean that in the metaphorical sense, not in the physical sense… if you get what I mean.” (Have a sly little smile on your face with this.) “What I’m saying is that I am finished with you pushing my emotional buttons. Flirt with me, joke with me, playfully make fun of me, do whatever the hell you want. But you must give me respect. You either abide by this rule, or we’re finished. It’s my way. My way or the highway. That’s all I’m gona say on this subject.”

 

I have two VERY important questions.

 

First, is this approach too harsh? I really want to show her who is boss here, and I don’t want to come accross as a wussie. If this is too harsh, then what would be better to say that would still tell her that I won’t take her crap any longer?

 

Second, I have a bad memory problem. I can’t call her, or email her because she is grounded from these things. And even if I could, that would show that I don’t have balls to just look her in the eye and talk to her about it. It would come accross as weak. So, how do I memorize this script that I’ve written for myself so that I won’t get all nervous and forget it and cop out? I must remember what to say, but I’m afraid I might forget it.

 

Thanks for your help

[Dako]

I'd find a gf who's what you want, instead of trying to bend one to your will. For what it's worth, a guy that acts aggressive to compensate for feeling weak is fooling only himself.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think that you're over-egging it - this girl is a friend. Why are you planning it to such a degree? Is all the stuff about your girlfriend true or not? I couldn't tell.

 

If you have a problem with your friend, come out with it in a friendly, non-accusatory manner and say calmly what is on your mind. Don't have this barrage of conversation planned. Personally I would say something like:

 

"Terra, I like being your friend, it means a lot to me. I've noticed lately that you've been rude to me (give a specific example), I don't know if you meant it, but as we're friends I wanted to let you know straight out that it bothers me."

 

Don't play games with your friends, just SAY what the problem is in a friendly, direct and firm manner.

 

Good luck!

[gnabna]

Healthy boundaries in any relationship are important. We should not allow others to walk all over us but it does not sound like a healthy friendship if you want to "show her who is boss".

 

It sounds like you let some unkind words that she has said build up for a long period of time and now are about to blow.

 

If she is a true friend the best way to go about this is in a loving/kind way. For instance making time to talk- not just in between classes. Explaining how you feel that she has been rude and see if she validates your concerns.

 

If she isn't a really close friend then addressing it the next time she is rude would work as well. Sort of catching the behavior in the act and point out that you aren't a fan of it.

 

I know that you are really wanting things to play out in your head like a script but real life rarely turns out that way. Just be yourself, be kind (no cursing girls out), address the issues and have faith that other relationships that are more meaningful trump superficial ones! Good luck!

[gnabna]

My computer was being crazy so I did not get to red your insights Honey Pumpkin until after I posted. I agree with you completely!

[rekrapshyguy]

Thanks. I'm so glad that i read your responses before I actually talked to her, cuz I was actually going to try and do it. I feel much more comfortable now that I know that the normal thing to do would be to not act like an jerk. Thanks, you saved me alot of grief.

[annie24]

Yeah, I agree with the others - don't "show her who's boss" or whatever, but do tell her firmly that you want to keep her friendship, but don't like how she is acting towards you and if she wants to stay friends, she needs to stop it.

 

good luck.

[Daddy Bear]

for what it's worth, i'm impressed that you took the advice you found here to heart and scrapped your dubious plan. a wise person listens and adapts; a fool never changes his mind.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well put bendy - I was just going to add that often times having a plan for what to say can be a good idea but don't count on it EVER going the way you plan....

 

glad you "scrapped" your original plan tho -