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what constitutes being called an ***


riviera
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My boyfriend and I have been going out since July. During this time he has had to deal with the fact that my mother has cancer, I told him this during the weekend we first met and my mother was very sick. I had to go down and check on her whilst he waited outside her apartment. We also live about 200 miles from each other.

The distance means he doesnt have a daily understanding of how my life is at the moment. When we are together things are usually really perfect and we indulge in things like staying in bed all day and just making love as much as possible.

 

He is 34 years old and I am definitely the more experienced one in relationships, I am 36. I told him in the beginning the distance will be tough and my situation meant I could be sensitive so if he had doubts he better not continue. He claimed he could handle just about anything and he was very fond of me.

 

In September my father also got cancer and as an only child I had to face a difficult task of handling the most difficult emotions I have ever been confronted with.

 

Before my fathers operation I felt I wanted to see him just for the night and told him I was coming over. I got a rather distressed call back from him claiming he was with friends that day and didnt plan to return home that night, he had said to me earlier he would be home that same night.

 

I didnt go and as expected the week was a really trying time for me. I had very little communication with my boyfriend after he claimed to be upset with me for crashing his plans.

 

He said he is starting to feel pressure to spend time with me when he has other plans or thiings he wants to do. Of course he claims he is really sorry for my situation and I am right to call our relationship into question. He now says he really has to get his head around this situation.

 

I am meeting up with him on Sunday evening at my hotel for drinks as I already had a business appointment in his town the next day. We were supposed to have spent this whole weekend together.

 

I think he expects that I will break up with him. I am also thinking he wants to be left off the hook so he doesnt have to grow up and deal with the less beautiful moments in a relationship.

 

I am sad because I have some of my happiest moments with him the thought of losing those great moments when I can forget everything for a moment is very painful.

I am reluctant to call him a selfish ***, maybe he is, what do you think?

 

As a warning to those guys who think they can handle anything be very careful because when fate tests you, you could be getting yourself into a lot more trouble than you bargained for. As a guy I was wondering what you think should be the right thing to do here?

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I am sorry that your parents are sick and realise that it causes you stress.

 

But has it occurred to you that you may be unconsciously using that as an excuse to get your own way? It seems a little one sided to say, in effect: "I am going through a hard time and so you have to do things my way and drop your own plans whenever I want you to."

 

Relationships require balance - and you seem to have tilted yours in your favour right from the get-go.

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Well guess he can't handle being there for you all the time, doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you...just that your depression is making him depressed too etc.

 

He probably wanted to be there for you in the beginning but didn't know what to expect and now it's harder than he thought...so have him make up his mind if he can or can't..

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Very interesting point DN. I guess I may have twisted the balance in my favour, you don't know how much I wish it wasnt though.

 

I wouldnt ever ask him to drop his plans just to see me. I would consider that very selfish of myself. Sure I was disappointed not to be able to see him, I had made pretty sure he didnt have other plans. I was surprised that he was doing something else.

 

We dont really spend much time together (every two weeks one-three nights), we both have busy jobs and talk properly maybe about once a week we have never seen the need to put the pressure on seeing each other quite that much.

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You should just discuss your feelings towards each other riviera...do you love him? does he love you? maybe he's in it just for sex...or even if not that maybe he's not that much in love with you... make sure you know what you want from it and ask him if he's up to it

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A relationship needs time to become strong - and it needs to be strong to bear unusual pressure. The stress caused to you by your parents being ill is naturally causing pressure on the relationship. So although it is reasonable for you to expect him to be understanding it is not reasonable to expect him to behave as if you have had a long-standing relationship and that at least some of that time was free from unusual pressure.

 

You have been under strain since you first knew him and so you both need to understand that this should not be the thing that defines your relationship.

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You should just discuss your feelings towards each other riviera...do you love him? does he love you? maybe he's in it just for sex...or even if not that maybe he's not that much in love with you... make sure you know what you want from it and ask him if he's up to it

 

I do not love him yet, I doubt he loves me yet. We are just very fond of each other. I do not think it would be fair to have that discussion yet in any case. I am trying to take things very slow just because of the fact I am emotionaly sensitive at the moment.

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A relationship needs time to become strong - and it needs to be strong to bear unusual pressure. The stress caused to you by your parents being ill is naturally causing pressure on the relationship. So although it is reasonable for you to expect him to be understanding it is not reasonable to expect him to behave as if you have had a long-standing relationship and that at least some of that time was free from unusual pressure.

 

You have been under strain since you first knew him and so you both need to understand that this should not be the thing that defines your relationship.

 

DN How do I make him understand I dont want him to feel pressure under these circumstances?

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I just recently had a long slew of illness in my family and it's very draining emotionally.

 

Relationships are through sickness and in health, but remember, don't expect more out of him than he is able to give.

 

Some people can handle stress better than others, so maybe your distress can be too much for him to handle at the moment.

 

DN brings up a good point ~ how was your relationship exactly before the illness (I know you met in July), mostly leaning towards the positive end or was it rocky?

 

Hugs, Rose

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DN How do I make him understand I dont want him to feel pressure under these circumstances?

I know you asked DN, but I wanted to take a stab at this too (he provides excellent advice

 

You can't expect him to hold the fort.

 

So although times are tough, the majority of the stress-handling needs to be from your side, since you don't have a long foundation together.

 

That means, no accusations of him not helping out enough, it's ok to cry and be upset once in awhile, but limit that, bring that to us, I would be happy to talk to you.

 

Hugs, Rose

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DN How do I make him understand I dont want him to feel pressure under these circumstances?

Tell him that you know this is your issue and that although you want his support and understanding it doesn't have to be a great cloud looming over your relationship. It will require both of you to make adjustments. You need him to understand and make allowances for when you are feeling down - he needs you to try to lighten the mood as much as you can.

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I just recently had a long slew of illness in my family and it's very draining emotionally.

 

Relationships are through sickness and in health, but remember, don't expect more out of him than he is able to give.

 

Some people can handle stress better than others, so maybe your distress can be too much for him to handle at the moment.

 

DN brings up a good point ~ how was your relationship exactly before the illness (I know you met in July), mostly leaning towards the positive end or was it rocky?

 

Hugs, Rose

 

My mother was going through the first chemo the weekend we hade our first date. Not ideal because I had to keep running off to check up on her. I told him about this the minute I picked him up from the airport.

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Well, that's difficult because you didn't have a healthy foundation beforehand.

 

I had met my ex a few months before a family member fell ill.

 

I was under constant stress as I stayed in the hospital day and night with him.

 

My ex was patient but it took it's toll on him as the only time he got to see me was in the hospital.

 

We subsequently broke up over other reasons, but I think that situation had really taken it's toll on our relationship.

 

Remember, be patient, and like DN said, make sure he knows you appreciate him and that you respect his support, posititive reinforcement is important.

 

Hugs, Rose

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hey - do you have a counselor to talk to? If not, I highly recommend you get one. Try to shift the balance such that the counselor is absorbing most of the negative energy from your parents' illness and so you can try to focus on creating happy times with your boyfriend. Not that you shouldn't talk to your bf about your parents, but you know, it will relieve some pressure off your bf.

 

The relationship could wind up falling apart if you two never have some good times together, if it is all stress and worry, then it will be difficult to sustain this.

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Well, that's difficult because you didn't have a healthy foundation beforehand.

 

I had met my ex a few months before a family member fell ill.

 

I was under constant stress as I stayed in the hospital day and night with him.

 

My ex was patient but it took it's toll on him as the only time he got to see me was in the hospital.

 

We subsequently broke up over other reasons, but I think that situation had really taken it's toll on our relationship.

 

Remember, be patient, and like DN said, make sure he knows you appreciate him and that you respect his support, posititive reinforcement is important.

 

Hugs, Rose

 

 

Thanks Rose,

This is also excellent advice. I will try my very best. I hope its not too late but in any case I know how to begin.

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hey - do you have a counselor to talk to? If not, I highly recommend you get one. Try to shift the balance such that the counselor is absorbing most of the negative energy from your parents' illness and so you can try to focus on creating happy times with your boyfriend. Not that you shouldn't talk to your bf about your parents, but you know, it will relieve some pressure off your bf.

 

The relationship could wind up falling apart if you two never have some good times together, if it is all stress and worry, then it will be difficult to sustain this.

 

Thanks for this advice, I will start to see a counselor its just all been happening so fast I hardly have a moment to think about myself.

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I have been staying in his home town at a hotel. He came over yesterday evening, it felt as if he just wanted to leave, he wouldnt even look at me straight in the face.

 

I used all your advice, I wrote it in a letter asked him to read it and left the room for a few minutes so he could digest it. He agreed to everything and thanked me for admission. As I understand your advice I took it and commit to it because it sounds completely right.

 

Then he broke out in a cold sweat and was very distant. He was incredibly nervous and completely opposite to how I remember him. Two weeks ago we couldnt stand opposite each other without being all over each other. Since I saw him last time he has changed into a completely insecure, anxious and nervous person.

 

He says this always happens to him after a few weeks being at a longer distance just made it take longer. He shuts down and starts running like a madman. He says he doesnt know why he gets like this. He says there is no reason for it because we were great together and every moment together has been perfect. He thinks it may have something to do with fear of rejection which has haunted his past. In any case he really didnt want to prolong things so its over.

 

I asked him why he hadnt told me this had happened several times before. I thought I had made it clear in the beginning that I didnt need any extra anxiety in my life. Thats why I took it very slow at the start and didnt return the affection until I felt it right.

 

I told him I thought it was a little inconsiderate. There is something important I did not mention in the beginning of this thread because I was not 100% sure and did not want to make this more complicated. However I've just confirmed I got myself pregnant.

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I am sorry that this has gone this way for you.

 

Have you thought about what you want to do about the pregnancy and whether you are going to tell him?

 

I told him, if you can imagine what he was like yesterday just double that reaction. Actual drops of sweat ran down his face. I am still here in the hotel. We talked twice since on the phone. apparently he has been speaking to a friend and more or less is sounding rational about it. He says he wants to do the right thing. However I am not sure I ever want to see him again, I am shattered, torn and feel physicaly ill. I am so tired now through days of not eating properly and not sleeping.

 

If there is something I cant do to myself is be with this type of manic personality, it makes me very very nervous.

 

It may speak for itself but he is NOT happy about it. Me neither but it is nice to know my ovaries are still working.

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When he said he wants to do the right thing - what do you think he meant by that?

 

BTW - you need to try to calm yourself as much as possible and eat properly. Try breathing exercises when you feel panicky. I can give you one to try if you like - it is good for coping with stress. (He could probably use it as well)

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When he said he wants to do the right thing - what do you think he meant by that?

 

BTW - you need to try to calm yourself as much as possible and eat properly. Try breathing exercises when you feel panicky. I can give you one to try if you like - it is good for coping with stress. (He could probably use it as well)

 

I dont think he knows what that means. I asked him that. He told me what it doent mean i.e. move in and get married. He says WE would deal with it. I wouldnt want to do that in any case I only met him in July.

 

If his behaviour from yesterday is anything to go by I am setting myself up for even more heartache, am I now obliged to have him involved? I really have enough stress to deal with, I dont want him to feel as if he needs to deal with it. I think your advice was good, I was ready to admit this to him and I did.

 

The exercises would be a GREAT idea!

 

Thanks!

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If you decide to keep the baby then he should be involved in the baby's life as a father - financially and emotionally and practically. The baby deserves nothing less - and so does he if he is a responsible man. So do you.

 

Breathing Exercise

 

Breathe in for a count of four

Hold your breath for a count of four

Breathe out for a count of four

Hold for a count of four and repeat as necessary

 

As you get used to the exercise the count of four can be slower.

 

This exercise regulates the heartbeat and thereforeeee the amount of oxygen to the brain, which helps to relieve stress and relax tense muscles.

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I have not heard anything more from him. I can tell I am hurting very badly I cant express how I feel but I am taking on anything to keep me from living through this. He called my boss this morning. I dont think he got much out of his conversation with him because my boss doesnt speak enough English. My boss knows about my situation but I dont want everybody involved in this. I am so angry and upset I dont ever want to see him again.

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