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i feel different


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sometimes, well most of the time really, i feel different from everyone. even when i was a little girl i knew i was different and now here i am twenty years old and i cant put my finger on it. the thoughts that run through my head are so abstract and just out there i wouldnt know where or who or how to express them. i feel like a liar.

 

the only time i go out is when i go to work or have to run an errand. i mainly stay in, watch tv, get on the computer. sometimes ill go see my friends but thats only about once or twice a month. and every time i come back from spending the night with them i always feel like it would have been better for me to stay home. in other words how i feel the next day isnt worth being aroung them. but i still go to seem them even tho i know ill feel like that the next day.

 

these are the friends that i made while in college (taking a semester off now) but i know in the back of my mind i dont really like them. that kills me because i had an idea about "making the friends youll have the rest of your life" in college. and these people ive known for two years i cant even stand.

 

i dont know what is wrong with me. i saw a therapist because i was getting really depressed. i thought it was helping but really it just made me feel worse. he said i probably had avoidant personality syndrome, but sometimes i dont know, i feel like i want to be around people and fit in and be a part of something but when i try i cant stand the way they look at me. most of the time i just want to tell everyone to * * * * off.

 

i feel like people are all talking about me when i walk by. am i just parnoid? what is it? anybody else know what the hell is going on? im very cynical and negative, its just who i am, so i understand if this doesnt give me any answers i just want to know some one else can even comprehend what im saying.

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Don't worry about making your best life friends in college. I've heard that so many times...and I don't think it's right. I barely stay in touch with people from high school, I don't stay in touch with anyone from my old college, and yet I'm content. After college, people move away...go to grad school, get jobs in other cities, get married, have kids...and ultimately drift apart. I feel like I'll find my real friends through my career (once I have one), and through my future family (parents of kids' friends, etc.). Unless my college friends end up living in the same city with me, I have no intention of flying to see them on a regular basis...So yeah. There goes the whole idea of making the friends you'll have the rest of your life in college.

 

Also, if you're forcing yourself to fit in, it's natural to dislike the people you're trying to fit in with. Trying too hard to make friends usually doesn't work out. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to meet friends, instead focus on doing things that you enjoy doing alone, and you might open some doors that way. Maybe try to form some bonds with coworkers? And remember that some people don't like being in large groups and only have a couple of close friends, and they are perfecty content with that. You don't need to be the life of the party to be happy with your social life.

 

And hey, wanna start a "cynical and negative" club with little pessimistic me?

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