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I'm so exhausted guys!

Whew!

 

Anywho, I went to therapy again today, and it's great!

It didn't feel completely that way at the time, but it does now.

 

We discussed ways to release anger: writing letters, drawing pictures of horrible things happening to them, writing their names on pillows and beating the crap out of them with a racket, pasting images of them on a dart board and darting the hell out of them.

 

It's great, it makes me feel better...to know that I can release the anger, and that it's okay.

I don't think I've ever know someone to encourage that type of behavior, but I now realize it's an important part of the grieving process, and it's really helping me.

 

Who would of thought.

 

It's wonderful to feel supported and loved despite your emotional state.

 

For someone to tell you that you've been violated in such a horrible way, and that if you weren't angry they'd be worried.

 

Being in that office knowing that I can do and say anything brings me such freedom.

 

Being able to just let it all out for one hour of my day...whew...it helps more than I ever thought it would, and I didn't know I needed it so much.

 

I feel like I'm finally greiving properly.

 

It's like, if he would have burned down my house, taken my money, I would have been mad as hell but I could get over it. Why? Because it's replaceble.

I can always buy another house. I could always get more money.

But what he took from me, I can't replace.

It's a violation that can never be made right.

 

And it makes me so angry.

 

I just don't know what to do sometimes, but not having everything built up in me is definitely helping me to feel more in control.

 

Ever since I was young I kept all bad emotions inside, which is why I had to deal with suicidal thoughts and an eating disorder.

But, now I'm 23years old, and I'm finally learning how to express that anger I turned inward on myself.

 

I just feel so tired.

 

But I'm not ready to sleep.

 

Sleep doesn't bring the best dreams, so I avoid sleeping.

Right now, being awake is a little better than sleeping.

Just yesterday they were both pretty much hell.

 

After leaving therapy I called my best guy friend and vented on his voicemail.

He has known me for a while and totally gets me.

 

And then I went shopping.

 

It was great. I needed something to do.

 

Anywho.

 

I really love my new therapist, this is going much better than I ever could have imagined.

 

I am feeling more impowered.

 

When I return to my other home I'm going to go to the shooting range regularly.

Yep, that's right, the .22 caliber rifle, LOL!

 

Anywho.

 

I guess that's about it for now.

 

I'll probably just lay down somewhere and look at the ceiling.

 

Night-night.

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