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Why doesn'y he want to have sex with me anymore?


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My boyfriend and I are together for more than2,5 years now and our sex life was always almost perfect, but it changed. Now we have sex once a week and sometimes even less often. I'm always the one who initiates it and it makes me so insecure about myself that I don't want to do this anymore.

Usually I just masturbate cause I don't want my bf to think that sex is so important to me., he would ge really upset.


Last night I spoke to him and I told him that it bothers me that we don't have sex often anymore (and when we do he usually doesn't last long cause he gets excited so usually when I'm about to cum he finishes. He askes me a couple of times it I came and I said no, but it's ok, but it happens almost every time now. I don't want to make him feel bad, but it's kinda frustrating. I didn't tell him that though).

So we just had sex, it felt like we did it because I spoke to him yesterday. I didn't come an I'm frustrated I don't know what to do. Sex with him used to be the best in the world, but he's not passionate anymore and for the most part there is no foreplay which is really imposrtant to me cause it helps me to relax...


Do you have any advice? Should I tell him that I masturbate??? What should I do? How can I help him last longer?

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maybe tell him things in a more positive, encouraging way, not something that will make him angry or defensive or sad or emasculated.


maybe say something like, "remember last new years when we snuck off from the party and did.... wouldn't that be fun to do that again?"


or compliment him on things he does do well.


I think that this is a pretty sensitive subject and he can get defensive very easily. better to be more encouraging.

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Can you initiate the foreplay and if he says, let's jump right into intercourse, you can say something along the lines of, how much you love foreplay.


I am sure he will want to please you.


To help him last longer, switch positions, so he isn't focused on finishing.


Missionary style or you on top where you have control would help a great deal.


Change the tempo too, it doesn't need to be him doing the movements, but you can control them too, so that it can lengthen the time.


Hugs, Rose

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Well I usually say things like this when we're in bed but he would just start saying how tired he is and just turn his back to me and that would be it. We live together and it happened so many times to me already that it really makes me feel insecure, I don't know if he finds me sexy anymore. I don't know why it happens.

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I know what you mean... btdt and got the t-shirt. eeekkkk.. its frustrating.


How about buying some books and having them lay out in the open..

there's a book on the market called...


"she comes first" Ian Kerner The book is mostly geared for Cunninglus...but it explains to a guy the importance of.. and joys of...turning your partner on. How SEX can be so much more fufilling if

you get her off...worth a guys time/effort 1000x fold.


Having a book lying around could spur a conversation about how...

he just isn't taking the time to... rev your engines.


I know what you mean about being the one to constantly initiate AND THEN... you get the big brush off...or if you do rev his engines he takes his and leaves you cold. Talk about frustrated!!!!!!


Yes, I would tell him about the masterbation... why not. Maybe he feels inadequate and doesn't KNOW what it takes to rev your engines... maybe he'd like to watch and learn. or you can go shopping together to a TOY store.. and this would open up and spur communication.


There was recently a show on TV called.. "Sex inspectors" they had an episode depicting a couple who lived together. HE lost his libido.... she was constantly on the chase. Because she was constantly on the chase he lost his... manly man feeling to chase. The first step in their problem solving was both of them acknowledging there was a problem. And then the dr's that worked with them worked through a plan. They asked her to be less... aggressive. They taught her to tease tease tease again and that HUGS/KISSES.. don't always have to lead to sex. thereforeeee there was more build up for him... and the thrill of the chase and less pressure to perform.

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I don't have much to add to this, other than I feel like I'm in the club with the guys talked about in this thread..


My sex life has dropped some.. But my girl won't do anything about. She won't initiate anything. She want change her ways, make it exciting. She wants drawn out long sex, and thats just not a turn on to me anymore. Shes just not aggressive, and she's aggressive in the fact that she wants it more than I do, but doesn't do anything after the fact of making it obvious she wants some.


I just roll over or fall asleep now.

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FCTex - whaqt would you like your girlfriend to do?? Maybe it can could help me un derstand my boyfriend.



Thank you Shadows Light, I think it would be a lot o fun go shopping for some toys with my bf.

As for masturbation something happened yesterday, well i was doing it and I thought my bf is not home, but he came home I just didn't hear him. He opened the door to the bedroom right when I finished and he is like did you just masturbate? I said no, because I was emberassed (I'm a really bad liar though, I'm sure I was blushing). He started kissing me and then we had sex.

I'm wondering though, did it turn him on, or he just felt that he should do it because I masturbate??

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I would like my girlfriend to back off sometimes. I know I can have her anytime I want, and to be honest, where's the fun in that?


I've NEVER been turned down(not that I'd like to be), but sometimes the guaranteed piece isn't always what I want.


I see her all the time, and she's always willing to jump to see me, and stay at my house, or any number of things too.


Basically, chase. The excitment is going down, and the same-ol-same-ol routine is kicking in.


I'm a workoholic. I've had alot of issues with work, as well as my family and the like. I have a decent level of stress in my life, and sometimes when my girlfriend is staying with me at my house, having sex with her is the last thing on my mind.. And then again, when it's been a while, I want to jump her bones.



Does your boyfriend look at porn? He could be pleasuring himself in private, and that could take away from his sexual build up, that usually goes to you?



As for him having sex after seeing you masterbate... I doubt he did it because he caught you. He might have been turned on from it. I would be if I caught my girl in the act, or just finishing.

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I'm wondering though, did it turn him on, or he just felt that he should do it because I masturbate??


Why don't you ask him??? Thats yet another dimension to add to the bedroom... talking during sex.. or some people call it talking a little dirty..

However.... if you ask him... be prepared for his answer. He will more than likely say.. "YES" and tell you he'd like to watch.


The answer to your question is 90% YES... he was trned on by the thought. Its still such a TABOO thing to do.


The previous poster was right... sometimes WHEN they have it on TAP... they don't want it as much. THATS where you need to learn the ART of flirting... hunting so to speak. Laying the ground work.


Wearing something sexy for instance. NOT totally risque.. but just enough. For example... You go GROCERY SHOPPING of all boring things.. Stop by the DAIRY section and pick up a can of WHIPPED CREAM... look at him.. and whisper in his ear..."By the way.. I'm NOT wearing any underware... I'm going commando... " Wink at him.. and walk away.. continue to shop as if NOTHING HAPPENED. Let him chaise the bait.


OR... how about letting him walk in on you while your taking a bath... and masterbating.. lol. Make sense? lol.


I'm sure you can get inventive if you really think about it.

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yea it makes sense. I try not to push too hard though, I try not to chase him cause I heard it's a turn off for guys.


I don't think he watches porn I do sometimes though


I am in the same situation, except we don't live together and see each other once a week. Before, we always had a fantastic sex life, he'd always get me off first. Now, not only has he NOT been getting me off (even though he PROMISES next time he will like 3 times or whatever), he doesn't even want to do anything. The weekend before last, didn't see him last weekend as he was "too busy" cutting wood, we did it on friday night (i intiated, was on top, etc. woke him up to do it) and he wasn't really into it. figured he was tired. So on Saturday, I started taking off his pants to go down on him. He enjoyed it (obviously), but when i started to try and pull him closer to have sex, he said "not now". I said okay, and we didn't do it later either. Sunday, tried again before I went home, same deal. Not now. Asked why, all he said was 'i dont know'.

(I KNOW he would never cheat on me and he says he doesnt really masturbate because he likes to "wait" for me)

Why do they do this!? I've tried just backing off and not initiating it, but if i don't, he NEVER will.

Sorry, i don't mean to 'take over' your post with my problem, but thought I'd share and let you know that you are definitely not the only one suffering with this. I'm very happy for you that the masturbating thing helped. I tried that. No success.

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Sometimes guys appear to be all, sex sex sex.


It's not always the case. To be honest, as a child you hear about sex, you work it up. And then you have sex and it's great 98 percent of the time.



The other 2% I could care less about sex. Leave me be, give me a beer, go shopping and let me play with my friends..


Sometimes it's just too much work for the same ol' feeling.


I wouldn't be too harsh on him jen.

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  • 1 month later...
I'm always the one who initiates it and it makes me so insecure about myself that I don't want to do this anymore.

Usually I just masturbate cause I don't want my bf to think that sex is so important to me.


we did it on friday night (i intiated, was on top, etc. woke him up to do it) and he wasn't really into it. figured he was tired. So on Saturday, I started taking off his pants to go down on him. He enjoyed it (obviously), but when i started to try and pull him closer to have sex


Where do these wonderful girls come from? These... sex initiators. Ahhh...


Reading this board is making me a little depressed.

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Hi all,


Reading this thread reminds me of what happened to me and my ex.


Our sex life was pretty explosive. When I lived with him, he would wake me up practically every night and we would make love and then cuddle and talk about the stars til the early hours. We were obssessed, in a way.


However, as our rels wained (over a few years) I became increasingly worried about the eventual lack of bedroom activities. Some nights we would have foreplay happily, but when it came to sex, my ex would withdraw and say he was tired. Other times he would say he was tired and try to sleep when I just kissed him.


As I became more aware of this and worried it became an awful game of "when are we ever going to have sex?". I never knew that he was aware of it, and I didn't realise that the more concerned I was about this issue, the crazier I was acting and the more pressure my ex was feeling.


What I needed to do was please myself, in whatever means (obviously not cheat or anything but you know...). Be independent, go out and get on with my own life and not feel like having no sex was the end of the world. Cos really, the lack of sex was the result of other rels difficulties my ex and I were experiencing.


So for both of you I wouldn't go crazy about the lack of sex. Your bf's can probably sense it and it may not help his feelings or mental state right now. Give them some space and make yourself happy, don't keep focusing on the sex side of things - it will work out, trust me!



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