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Married and Painfully lonely


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Hi I am new didnt see someplace to intro myself. Hi to all.

 

I sit here this morning in tears again. Sad, lonely and all alone. I have moved to a country so far away from my friends and family and basically have no one here but this monster I am married to. Jeckel and Hyde to say the least.

 

For more than one year now our marriage of 7 years has been heading down the tube. He does nothing to make it better but everything to ruin it. We have had sex less than 5 times for the year and it is October. I am a young woman, healthy and hormone driven. He is also young let me say early 40's both of us are. We have no children together. We are of a different culture, but culture does not have anything to do with sex. One minute this man is sweet and caring, the next he is simply a stinknig mean man whom I cannot reach or communicate with. He refuses to touch me, he thinks by staying away from me the problem will go away. His favorite thing to do it put on headphone and TUNE my existence out, when he is home WE DO NOT SPEAK, I try he just tunes me out, It is as if I CEASE TO EXIST: He has cheaterd on me prior and after my marriage with internet relationships of which i found out later one of them ended up in heavy sex witha girl who was under age I believe from Japan.

 

He comes to bed at night around 3, 4 or 5 am, only to get back up for work at 5 or 5:30 he sleeps about 1 hour MAX a night if that much. NO HUMAN BEING CAN SURVIVE without sleep. I dont know when he leaves half the time, he used to kiss me before he left, he stopped everything, he is verbally hateful. His office is in walking distance from our home. He stays there all ungodly hours of the night into the wee morning. When he is not with me he calls me a hundred times a day WHY? WHY? WHY? Yet when he is here he ignores me totally.

 

I SUSPECT HE MAY BE GAY? Today I called him a pedophile and he blew the roof off when I told him this. But when I say you are gay he does not get on with me, which is it pedophile or gay? HE IS SOMETHING but he is certainly not a husband or lover to me or even a friend. I cant and wont talk to friends and family about this because way back in 1998 they all told me DONT DO IT. There were times the marriage was OK, never what I expected ina marriage, but it seemed to have gotten worse. My hunch is he is GAY.

 

I put on sexy lingerie, nice expensive perfumes I am a slim very attractive woman, I cook nice meals do everything to make a man interested in me. he is simply not even noticing the dirt I walk on. Yet when I stop speaking to him and just shut up and ignore him he comes running calling me sweetie and that. What is his trip or game? I am so fed up.

 

NO; i cant leave as I would like to, I do not work anymore and have no money of my own and simply cant financially. If I was still back in the USA I would have filed for divorce a LONG LONG time ago. But it is not so easy here. I do still care for him, I have not stopped caring, but at this point, I honestly do not think it is the love I used to feel, it is more resent and scorn, yes scorn, to think he may be GAY and sleeping with men. He is getting his SEX from someplace, no young man can just not have sex for all this time and be normal.

 

HELP ME PLEASE I am distraught

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He could be going throw a mid life crises or the male menapers when the testoaron levels drop and the sex life gos down the pan for some.

 

You can get creams just and idear

 

He never had a high sex drive, but now it does not exist. How can a man live without sex? Especially someone like me who is always in heat and not getting any? He wont even let me have a vibrator in the house but I cant live this way. I thought mid life crisis for men they went wild and was wanting sex all the time?

 

He hurts me emotionally by treating me this way, I have thought of taking on a lover but I just cant, just the thought of giving myself to a man for that purpose is not right with me I cant do it.

 

He just does not seem to like me at all as a person, sort of scorns me, does not touch me at all. i have asked him to see a doctor he will not. My doctor who is our doctor told me SOMETHING IS WRONG with him that is not normal.

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Hi there,

 

You sound dreadfully unhappy. And I think your husband is probably equally unhappy, isn't he? Because there are two people in this relationship who are miserable and not communicating.

 

I know that you're focusing on sex, because that's a huge part of any relationship, but he sounds like he might be depressed. And the shutting you out is painful, and might be a way of shutting out all his problems and not dealing with them.

 

Have you talked about how the marriage is at the moment? It sounds like you're not communicating at all; personally I think counselling is the way forward for you guys, to talk through where things have gone wrong and how you can work on getting it back on track, or equally how you can work on calling it a day. I don't think you can carry on in this situation, both of you unhappy in your own separate ways. It's no way to live a life.

 

Good luck with this!

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This man is NOT interested in sorting out problems, he is not interested in talking anything, he is just not interested in anything but his CD's, DVD's Books that is his life, he treats those three objects with respect and love, I dare not bend a book page he becomes inflamed, or drop a CD or DVD he blows up. He is simply not interested. I asked him many times what is it he wants and why dont we separate. He does not want that, but he does not want to be with me. Sex is very important when there is no communication. If there was communication and he had indicated he has some hormonal problem that he is WILLING to seek help for then I can understand. He refuses all doctors, all help all shrinks everything medications etc. Do I have to bring a man in his house and have sex in front his face for his to buck up?

 

He cant be happy, but he seemed an intovert, someone who hides a lot and has a lot of DARK DARK secrets. He hides everything from me. I share my whole life and family life with him, I tell him how my day was etc. He does not talk about anything. At this ponit today, I feel a bitter and hateful resent towards this man truly I do. my mom will be visiting us soon and she will spend two months: THANK GOD I WILL HAVE A FAMILIAR LOVING FACE AROUND ME. he objects to this visit but say what, i can give a rats tail becuase I am lonely and I need family I live in Europe in a NON English country and I welcome my mom, my dad passed away last year. Even that was a joke to him, he called the funeral a circus filled with crying clowns. What a monster . He seem to have no tradition, no strong family background and simply a selfish man with only his own agenda

 

No, I cant carry on my only short life on this earth this way. I never dreamed I would marry a man who had no money, no love, dont do anything for me, dont have compassion and on topic of is Asexual. I turned down many a rich man who adored the dirt I walked on to marry this one. I would have rather been in a marriage with a wealth man who had little time for me and be this unhappy, than a poor one who has not a pot to pizz in and still be bitterly unhappy. I must have been drunk. They always say marry the ones that loves you and not the one you love. This is the end result. Sometimes I felt he married me to get to the USA, so to stop that I moved here instead. I really do not knwo what this man wants, thinks or feels. He seems a shell, an emotionless shell. He calls me stupid and how he is such an intellectual. Well an intellectual will work things out, an intellectual will seek answers, he wont lock them up. This man acts like he resents me. Living without human touch and contact when you are a warm touchy and loving woman is painful as hell.

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Oh I forgot to add this, he refuses to do something about his weight, he has been blowing up like a balloon for the past couple years and he is just simply obese in my books. While I take care of myself and eat right and exercise and maintain a small frame and size he is huge, he dresses sloppy, he will not let me give him proper foods to eat he rather eat crap. When i try to put him on a diet of some sort to lose that excess blob he just argues with me, do it your way I will do it mine. How can anybody who professes to be SOOO educated do this to themselves? He used to be an attractive man now he is simply UGLY both outside and inside, he does not seem to care. I am so fed up

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I came here looking for answers about my own marriage and happened to read your post. I feel very sad about your situation in that you are so isolated and far away from any other loved ones. There are some similarities to my own marriage (my husband has more of a relationship with his big screen TV and ipod), however, we do communicate and I ask questions and tell him what I'm feeling. We try to work it out although I too have suspected at times that maybe he is gay.

 

A relationship takes work from both. I feel fortunate that my husband and I agree on this. We talk without shouting or getting angry although there isn't always an immediate result (I should mention that he had to teach me this as I used to be the one to shout and yell - I was quite dramatic but he taught me that this behaviour doesn't solve problems). You need to be upfront and ask alot of questions while refraining from making an accusing or hurtful statements. He may do this to you but two wrongs don't make a right. Take control and be honest without lashing out at him as difficult as that may be. When he is saying or doing things that hurt you, tell him frankly, calmly and firmly without yelling and use that as an opportunity to open the dialogue.

 

If you love this man, do all you can to work it out and if he is not willing to work with you after you've tried everything, then you need to consider your options. I'm not an advocate of divorce but if all else fails, sometimes it's better for both so long as you both agree that the marriage has no future.

 

The bottom line is that you need to take action and do something to move forward either with or without him (even if temporarily) rather than living each day in misery. Nobody is going to fix it for you so if you're unhappy, you've got to do some hard work and it's going to take time so be prepared for that. It will be a rough road but each action you take is progress.

 

I hope this helps. Good Luck to you!

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Although something is definitely wrong, "gay" is not the first thing that sprung to my mind. I think American society is a little too fixated on the whole gay thing, seeing homosexuality where there isn't any. You see shy guys and depressed guys branded gay for no reason. Of course your husband may not be either of this but I'm just saying. Homosexuality is still very rare and we mustn't let pop culture change our perceptions of reality.There are plenty of reasons why straight guys may show no interest in a woman, even if the woman is sexy. The binge eating makes me wonder - is he depressed?

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You've read my post and know that I am going through something similar, but what I don't hear is that you love him. Do you? It sounds as though you are looking for a solution for you, but not for you both. Have you already decided that this isn't working and are looking for validation that you should leave?

 

It sounds as though you are not equals in the relationship - and that you are fed up with him calling the shots and doing what he wants - especially since many of these activities are clearly not acceptable to you. I don't have a solution - except to say that you need to figure out what you NEED to be happy. And then be determined to do whatever it takes to get there.

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This guy's behaviour seems a little extreme, from your post. I think your doctor is right and there is actually something wrong with him -- and it's not being gay. ;0

 

There are mental illnesses that can create the kind of behavioiur that you're describing. Please do whatever you have to to get some support for yourself. Swallow your pride and talk to your mother. Try and find work of some kind -- do what you have to to build a life for yourself. Even if this guy were the greatest person in the world, you're in a new country, you need to get established there. Put your needs first for awhile, and stop looking to him to provide what he obviously cannot or does not want to. You can't fix him, so fix your life.

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Chickie, Newmom Juliana and newhorizons, THANK YOU ALL very much for your encouraging and caing posts. Since there are so many questions I will lump them up here.

 

Yes I love this man or I wont be here still. i treat this man well i do everything for him, he also does a lot for me chore wise but no sex. I was reading about men who dont get enough sleep and how this lowers your testosterone levels, since my husband rarely gets more than 2 hours sleep a night I am wondering if this may be a contributing factor?

 

Depression? Sure I believe he has some sort of depression and does not like to talk much, what bothers him? I will never know as he has never wanted to open up, but sever since his father died his mother said he changed what she meant by that I have no clue as she herself does not like to talk too much about their lives.

 

Binge eating? He has erratic eating patterns I usually fix what he eats but he is still gaining weight, and I also heard that men who dont sleep can gain a lot of weight and weight gain can occur from lack of sleep so I have no clue. He only eats what I give him to eat which is low carb and healthy foods but he does eat a lot of it.

 

The reason I suspected homosexuality is this, when were were at parties several times he approached men and was doing this doggie style dancing with these people' shusbands and I didnt like it and neither did the wives, but we blew it off as drunk behavior but often wonder why he does this, is he gay trapped in that body and only comes out to do things like this if he drinks? So now I have limited alcohol in my house to only on occasion and wine to be safe.

 

Since I made this post I tried to talk to him of course he stumbles onto the brick wall and does not wish to talk, he always seem to be TOO busy to discuss out relationship-. I told him we have to see marriage counselor he asked for what? I told him listen, if you dont I am leaving you . Well all of a sudden he gets all nice (but still no sex) so I dont know what his game is at all.

 

Right now I am expecting my mom to come or a couple of months and I just hope he starts to act normal before she comes as I dont want her to see this kind of behavior. He goes to his office at night and spends long long long hours there until 2 and 3am then comes home and proceeds to spend another hour or two online so I dont konw what the hell this man is doing while I am sleeping.

 

Thank you all for your replies. I hope I have covered everything

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