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a motherless child


bluem00n
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i have been motherless since i was 3 years old. i'm almost 21 in 8 days. my mother left me because she loved drugs a whole lot more than she did love me. she smoked, drank heavily and did drugs while she was pregnant with me. when i was 3, she left and told me she doesnt want to see me until i turn 18.

 

growing up was extremely hard. i was always alone, cooped up in my room, crying myself to sleep and often thought about suicide. my father wasnt really in the picture. he was into a girlfriend who HATED me. he chose her over me.

 

getting attention by getting good grades, excelling in sports, getting a lot of honors & stuff was the only way i thought i could get my dad proud of me. unfortunately, he always said he was still disappointed in me.

 

i have a hard time trusting people or even boyfriends i have had. it ruined ALL of my relationships and it is taking a heavy toll on my current relationship.

 

im almost 21 years old and i still cry for her at nights and sometimes i just wish id shoot up poison in my veins and smoke crack just to be like my mother. i have never touched drugs. im so jealous of the ones that become numb after smoking weed, or doing drugs.

 

im in so much pain... by the end of the day, i just want to give up.

 

 

please talk me out of doing drugs....

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Drugs, I know a lot about I have had freands and faimly slip into this trap some fight there way back others sunk with out trace.

 

Daren my best freand from school, his farther died of a hart atact wile working and at 12 Daren and his brother had to look after MUm and sistem, brother at 18 runs dads company until he has a brake down, Daren takes over at 19 and company dos down the pan, Daren start heading up that drug abuse ladder, Fags, drink, weed, LSD, Speed, Coke, Smack,

 

They found him in a fithy bed sit face down coverd in all his body coud get out befor the bad skank eat his life.

 

Norm, Internet wiz set up one of net companys in the UK garte pool player, Loved dance and life, On night at a part had his drug of chouse E and drink, then after fighting his mate fro the keys jumped on a 1000CC bike after all thows drugs and left his life on a wall.

 

Ivan: King Punk, rock and roll and girls star of evry School show with his band, one hit wunder and then down in to drug hell, died in a hospital after his body gave up the fight.

 

Jo: Funny girl with a hart of gold, dad died when she was 5 in Trubels, she and her mum tryed to get on but mums a drunks, Only later did Irelaise that so was so ahppy at school becouse she was drunk just like mum, then after years of drink, a chiled lost to the state and in the end Liver Cansar eat away her life from the inside one the drink had emptyed her.

 

The list gos on and I remember every one.

 

what is wase is the other that are still there suing drugs, I can see them and talk to them, but they are not there any more, when I talk to them im talking to the drugs, the drugs have taken over and body and will use it until the pain or damage kill it in a sick and paerfectic way.

 

Drugs ye I know about drugs,

 

I used to work with speshal needs kids, then number we had that had come in to this world harmed becosue mummy did drugs you do not wont to know,

 

so heres why you should not do, under drugs you can not controll your self, if under drugs you get pregnet you have a more than good chance that that child will be harned by your drug use, when in comes into this world it will have a life on pain just like you have but YOU would have done this thing.

 

So dont do drugs, please dont.

 

The only drugs you should ever have is ones prescribed to you by a doctor under supervition. Thats why you have to go see the docs,

 

last of all

 

You can do 2 things with your life now, Throw it away and make a mocary of why your mother held you inside her self fro 9 mouths, sat with you fro 3 years holding your hand and keep in you safe. When she died not all of her left this world, No half of your is her she lives on in you body and soul you are her voice in the world so the 2ed thing you can do is show that her life had mianing throw you and what you do. To do this all you need to to is be the best peasron you can try to be good in each and evry act you in your life, Stand for some thing be to others that one shining lite that they can look at and say "there, that is what it means to be good, kind and true" live your life in a fiar and just way, when you meet some one you wont to have children you not be unkind to them, and when you have children you put into the world more of your mother, in them just as in you she will live on, there eyes will be hers looking out at the wunder and splender of the world.

 

Life begets life, thats what it dos, if you seek death in drugs or any other way you are saying that all that your mother was will leve this world for good, dont do that please forgive her for going so soon and love her for having even the short time to give to life.

 

And always remember your mother lives throw you.

 

 

Yours

Spugly

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Hi,

 

I understand life must be difficult growing up without a mother. Every little girl/young woman needs a mom in her life. I'm so sorry.

 

But you know what? You did just fine all on your own. You're excelling in school, sports - receiving honors. You had to have been proud of yourself, if your father wasn't.

 

Please, I beg you, don't succumb to drugs. It may be the best solution right now but it is not in the long run. You are young and full of potentials. I believe that if you stay in school, you will one day become an important person respected by all.

 

Do you have dreams or goals? And what are they? If you stay focus, have faith in yourself, and not give up, you can become anyone, anything you want to. Explore your possibilities.

 

Also, now that you are almost 21, do you ever think of reuniting with your mother? Perhaps, if she has cleaned up her act, you can find it within your heart to forgive her and build the mother/daughter relationship that you so long yearned for. This could become a short or long term goal of yours – if it isn't one already.

 

I don't know - I wish I can be more helpful but I hope what I have said above, you will take into consideration.

 

Good luck and all my best wishes. If you want to email or PM me, you are absolutely more than welcome to.

 

And BTW, Happy early Birthday to you. May you enjoy your birthday with a blessed day.

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Happy Birthday, sweetie. You certainly deserve a good one. You're a strong one and I know you can succeed. You already are.

 

Is this me posting from the past? Ok, not exactly, but damn close. And you know what...I tried so hard with the perfect grades, sports, friends, being good and doing right.

I was doing it for them - someone, please, just be proud of me and notice me.

 

They didn't. It never came. I'm sorry to say this, but it still hasn't come for me. Maybe it will for you, maybe not.

 

But it doesn't matter if you have been working hard for them before, because you were also working for you. And you can do anything. Anything! You are at an advantage over so many others because you have struggled for what you have got. You beat the odds. So don't you give up now.

 

I took a bad turn at 22. I do not want that to happen to you. I wish I knew then what I know now: I am not my mother. I am my own person and I matter.

 

I came very close to ending my own life in my acting out. I turned to drugs, men, running around and getting into trouble. I didn't go to university like I had planned. I worked, and sank down, and I worked some more. I got into a lot of trouble, I saw things I don't even want to mention here.

 

If you have friends or if you can make them (and you can) : spend time with them, hang on and find love there.

If you encounter strong women who you admire: listen to them, let them help you and support you. One such woman literally saved my life.

Go to school if you can. I know the transition from high school to the world can be brutal when you feel you are all alone. The fact is, we all need somebody. Watch for these people wherever you go: people like Spugly and Sun Kissed with great big hearts and smart minds.

 

Please do not even think of putting that poison into your body. You are too important. This world needs you.

 

Wanting the best for you. Please stay safe.

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Bluemoon,

 

I know what your going through. I went through a somewhat similar situation except the drug was alcohol. I became very depressed and introverted. Until I realized it was not my fault, I don't have to end up that way and I don't have to take the emotional abuse from it. It took me 10 years of tears, screaming, yelling and pain to get to the person I have become today. If you would have met me back then you would be bewildered to see the person i have become. Why Am I telling you this? Because I have learned a few things that may help you or at least start you on the road to healing. You need to forgive your mother, and your father. That may sound like the most ridculous thing be believe me once I forgave my heavy heart became lighter and healing and trusting people became a little easier, I won't lie to you it will be a hard thing to do and it won't be an instant solution. The way I did it was I wrote a letter to each family member telling them how their drinking hurt me, why I felt the way I did. i poured out every emotion to them in the safety of a letter and I ended it with I forgive you. Then I think I cried for a month. Then I promised myself not to let the past hold me down. I still have some issues, but it is a little easier now, I started my healing process i started to look inside of myself. What type of life do I want? Will I let being the victim of circumstance hinder me? As I started to look to myself for strength, courage and hope I started to see how much different life can be

 

I could be happy on my own terms, don't get me wrong there is still alot from the past that I need to let go. But healing is a slow process and quite frankly everybit of pain and sadness may never go away but now I am ok with it because I have a sense of myself.

 

You should feel proud of yourself, and frankly I think you already have your answer, If you really wanted to use drugs you would have, instead of asking for help. But the fact that you asked for help is fantastic, it is the start of a healing process and being ok with your life and yourself. Your not alone girl, and with a little hope and faith in yourself you eventually be ok. Hold on. In time it gets easier.

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Bluemoon - You've got a lot of good stuff to read here but I just wanted to add....

 

look at your mom. That is my meth addicted sister and her little kids. I only HOPE her kids grow up to be like you. Getting good grades and never touching drugs.

 

You can be your own person outside of who or what your parents are.

 

I always like to remind myself that I spent so very little time at home with my mother. I've lived away from her almost as long as I lived with her. I am responsible for the person I am now. She was an influence to be sure, but she is not me and can not make me be her.

 

Know who you are and be that person regardless of your mother or father.

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