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Whoop-de-woo


Gracelove
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I feel so sick, like vomitting.

Help!!!

I hate this new life, life after rape, why doesn't someone just shoot me in the head.

Ahhh!!! I could just scream!

 

Ahhhhh!!!!!

 

This is the worse kind of life and it sucks!

 

If I saw that bastard and his accomplice right now....Oooooo!!!!!

 

I don't think there is anything I could do to make them feel the amount of pain I'm feeling right now, but that wouldn't stop me from trying.

 

Let's see, what is the most disgusting movie I can think of........hummm....Texas Chainsaw massacre? Or what about that "saw" movie I've heard about.....what could possibly make those demons from hell suffer 1/50th of what I have because of their....sadistic, dumb, twisted,....I am so running out of bad words....dumb asses!!!!

 

They are sooooooo lucky I haven't told certain family members what they've done.

 

They would track them down and beat them into a freakin coma.

 

Why do I have to be so nice? But part of me would love to see what my family would do to them.

 

You'd hear about them on Unsolved Mysteries.

 

I guess the thing about it is that......although I know I could make it happen, I just won't.

I don't see the point.

I can't think of anything that I could to them that would completely satisfy me, at least not yet anyways.

 

Anywho, let's not think about violence (ya right).

 

If I see anyone of them in a dark alley I can't be held responsible for my actions.

 

Sometimes I wish I could be mad enough to seek revenge, espicially since I have the resources.

But....I guess I'm not as ________(insert) as I'd like to be.

 

I'm in hell right now and where are they?

 

Oh, I know!!!!

I want them to get into a horrible car wreck and never be able to walk or speak again!!!

Hum........my brain isn't working, I can't think of anything horrid enough.

 

But if that bastard ever came knocking on my door I'd blow him away with a .22 caliber rifle.

I guess that's as far as I can go, but unfortunately he isn't stupid enough to come knocking on my door...and therein lies the dilemma.

 

This absolutely sucks! Why can't I just be violent. It seems like I'll only be able to be that way if someone tries to attack me, and it sucks!

 

I mean there are so many things I want to happen to him

*I want him to be eaten by a pitbull

*Run over by a freight train

*Beat into a coma

*Scared out of his wits by a couple of

my rough-neck cousins (training day

style)

*Suffer from a medical problem that causes

impotence

*A staph infection (flesh-eating)

*Paralysis

*Gang-raped by at least 20 males

*Black-balled

*Sterile

*Beaten in the head with a hammer

*Starved to the brink of death, then be

brought back only for it to be done again

*Thrown on a deserted island to fend for

himself for the next 30years (and a bear

will eat him alive on the 20th day)

Hum..............

*I want him stalked by a pyscotic (sp?)

maniac who will later eat him piece

by piece for breakfast

*I want him to have to listen to a

looped recording stating what a

nasty- piece of trash he is

*I want him sleep deprived

*I want his arm ripped off by a lion

*I want him thrown into crocodile (sp?)

territory to be slashed into pieces

*I want him to feel fear for each and every

single day of his entire life

*I want the one person he falls in love

with to betray him and rip his heart out,

and cut off his balls with a butcher knife

when she discovers what a rapist pig he

is

*I want someone to sew his shut

so that all the crap backs up in his system

and he dies of the toxins

* I want him to have diaherra (sp?) so bad

that his feels like it's on fire

* I want him to lose all of his fingers and

toes to frost bite

* I want him to have to go a year without

showering

* I want him to be feed nothing but sweets

so that he throws up and gets sick

every single day

*I want someone to scare him awake every

time he goes to sleep so that then that

will know what if feels like

* I want someone to perform a C-section

on him while his still awake

* I want everyone and anyone who

associated with that pig bastard to leave

him rotting in his own filth

* When he buys his first house I want

someone to set it on fire

*I want someone to spray paint

"worthless, rapist pig" all over his car

*I want someone to tattoo "rapist"

on his forehead

(I think that's the best idea I've had

thus far)

*I want all of his future children to be

taken away from him

* I want him shunned by any and all

communities

*I want him to come down with

an unknown, incurable disease

so the he can spend the rest of

his life suffering, without ever

knowing when it's going to end

 

And for the who helps him gets girls..I just want her to die.

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Tell the truth ,would any of those things make a difference in the future.Sure it would make u feel better for awhile,but somethin bad happening to him isnt going to change anything that happened in the past.

 

But I believe in Karma so he'll get his and you'll get urs.Just stay strong and the more you write the better u'll feel to get it off ur chest.

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I have seen your posts. One thing that I notice is you seem to be stuck. I cannot imagine what rape is like but I do know you can get past this. It helps if you were to keep up with therapy and perhaps find a rape support group? Wishing ill will towards this person will not move you forward in the recovery. You must try and set this aside and take all that anger and frustration and put it into getting yourself ahead. Have you thought of taking a boxing class? That is a great outlet to let this frustration out in a healthy fashion. You might also want to go to Barnes and Noble and see if there are any books written by women who overcame their rape.

 

One book in paticular I am thinking of is "I am the Central Park Jogger." The author is Trisha Meili. She was brutally raped and beaten and left for dead. She has overcome so much. It maybe just the thing you might want to check out. Her website is link removed

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Whew!!!

 

Writing all of that certainly helped me to feel better.

 

I honestly can't think of any person who has been raped who wouldn't feel this way at one point or another.

 

I have been nothing but kind to people.

I was in an abusive relationship, stalked for a year and then raped.

I don't deserve what I've had to go through.

 

I have now been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder, and chronic post traumatic stress disorder.

 

I am at my wits end.

 

He deserves any bad thing that could ever be wished on him.

He should have killed me while he was at it, at least it would have been more humane.

 

I want him to suffer, and I feel it is my right, and he deserves it. He really does; at the very least.

 

I mean there are so many other horrible things I can imagine.

It's all part of my on-going, never-ending greiving process, unfortunately.

 

I am stuck actually, I also feel like I'm getting worse.

My counselor truly believes I am reacting "normally" to all that I have endured. Such is life.

 

Reading different books is a good idea. But I'm really at the place where I'm feeling sick, and can do nothing other than lay in bed at this point. Some days are okay and some days are bad.

 

People do overcome things, but it does take time.

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Don't feel bad about venting. Some people may be surprised at your feelings but I understand where you're coming from. My mom had a similar experience.

 

Just remember, you don't have to forgive him and you should not ever feel pressured to do so. However for *your* own sake, it would be healthy to move on. Not for his sake, only your own. It took my mom 30-some years to finally abolish the pain. She is now happy but she regrets the 30 years of mental misery of reliving the thing over and over. It never accomplished anything.

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Yeah my brother raped me and i wish for alot of bad * * * * t happen to him but i didnt even put him in jail and i would never do anything to him, i just dont even want to know him anymore.

 

And for the * * * * * * * in the street well i wish he will die, but why coz really that would be him getting of easy, i would like him to feel the way i did, and feel like what it was like when it felt like my last second when he had the gun against my head, at the same time i had depression so really i wished he did shot me then i wouldnt of had the pain he put me in and haveto live with it. But i am gald that he raped me a 16 year old and not a 6 year old. I think people that rape someone should have rapist writen on the forehead, so they can live in shame and so peple can bash and give them dirty looks when they walk past

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Hey Grace I said this in another thread of yours but you went away for a while and prolly didn't see it...so I'm hoping you'll see it now :

 

You obviously have alot of rage inside you...why not channel it into something that might satisfy you, like join a group that advocates tougher punishment for rapists or something related that suits you best...or create one yourself if you can't find the right one for you.

 

Hang in there and good luck..

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Thank you guys!!! Sooo much!!!!

 

Ms. Babydoll

 

You were molested yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh I am soooo sorry!

I had a dream that I was molested last night, it all sucks.

 

I wish I had words to comfort you. When faced with a horrible thing like that it's hard to know what to think.

 

At first (for me anyways) I went through this short-lived phase where, everything was alright.

I was able to not think about it, brush it off, and go on like everything could be okay.

That was after I had to sleep in a parking lot to keep from killing myself.

 

Anywho....hang in there. I'm going to say that, because you deserve it.

Not the pain and daily hell, but.....it would suck if the guy...well, anyhwo.

 

My therapist told me yesterday that no one commits suicide because they want to die. They do it because they want the pain to end (which is totally true!)

 

I wish there was something I could do for you.

Maybe..you could imagine yourself kicking his * * *, ya know.

Making his life a living hell, and even if you know inside that you have no intentions of doing so, imagine it anyways.

 

It definitely helps.

Really helps.

 

Okay, me for example, my case has gone to the DA and they are going to decide whether they want to prosecute or not.

And even if they don't, there are many more people now who know that he's a rapist.

 

So that makes me smile.

 

I will also tell you to hang in there because there are some highlights.

You'll realize that there are kind and caring people in the world.

You'll definitely find out who your true friends are, and some of your old friends may come back to help you find your way.

 

You'll eventually be able to take interest in your future, and even if things are horrible, you'll be able to see that you have options and a future is feasible.

 

I have grown stronger. I used to think, I would totally abandon this new found strength to be the way I used to be.

But....that can't happen.

 

If you were like I used to be....then you'll finally know that there truly are evil people in this world.

 

Just take your time. Feel how you want to feel. Go slow.

At first you may find that others in your environment won't be able to relate to changes that start to develop in your life (behavior, etc.).

 

I still feel sorrow. Regret, that it had to happen to me. And being in therapy again is so hard.

It's hard having to hear that what happened to you was a horrible thing, espicially when you try not to think about it.

 

Oh!!! Another idea...get a dart board. That's what I'm going to do. Draw bad pictures of them, tape it on the dart board, and dart the hell out of them.

 

But the whole thing may be hard for you to understand.

I think that I still haven't fully gotten my mind around it yet.

It still hasn't completely sucken in. And I think that everytime it sinks in a little more, I feel more sorrow, pain, and rage.

 

It is all just awful.

 

But please hang in there. I'm doing it. Um...I know that may not be a selling point, but at times things are eaiser to bare.

 

Well, one good thing, I haven't seriously thought about killing myself recently! That's got to be an improvement.

 

So, I just want you to know that things to improve, but it can be at a snails pace, so hang in there

 

Ellie2006

 

You're right, it feels great to vent!!!! If I would have known how great it felt I would have done it soooo much longer ago!

 

I'm so glad to hear that people in the community don't mind me venting like that.

 

I wouldn't want to offend anybody, but I sooo needed to vent like that.

 

Thanks for the love and support!

 

NewHorizons

 

I can understand where you're coming from (your mom's situation, although for me it wasn't my mom).

 

That's what I'm concerned about. Part of me would like nothing more than to get this over with.

And it all just seems to be taking soooo long.

 

And I hear that the healing process can take years, and that there are triggers that make you feel certain emotions.

 

I want to have children in about five years or so, and I want them to have a happy mother.

A truly happy mother.

 

Thinking of things like that makes me feel like this person has ruined my life.

Now I have to re-plan things, or fret about new things.

If I wouldn't have been raped, and then developed depression (along with other things), then I wouldn't have to worry about being the type of mother that I want to be.

 

Then I feel like he's not only taking away from me, but my children as well, and that infuriates me!

 

I just want to be fully present for my life. I don't want to spend half of my time in lala land.

 

And it's not even that I spend most of my day thinking about him or his accomplice; I don't.

 

But it's like I'm absent, my mind it elsewhere. And there are all of these feelings associated with that time.

 

And if my mom sees me staring into space and asks me what I'm think about, I can't even tell her, I just know that I'm in pain, and agony, and I'm feeling all of these other emotions that I didn't know existed.

 

I mostly only think about those bastards when someone brings them up.

 

But it's a good thing that people bring them up I guess, because all that anger that I've been ignoring will stay on the inside.

 

But anywho...it's such a rough road.

 

But I'm glad you can kind of relate.

 

Lost&Broken

 

I really feel for you. I know you must have gone through so much!

 

I mean, I know you must have felt betrayed just as I did, only in a worse way because it was your brother.

 

How are you feeling today?

 

How long ago did it happen? Have things gotten better for you or are they still rough?

 

I'm sure we've had a lot of the same emotions.

I mean at times I just feel sooo devestated.

 

Whew!

 

And he had a gun against your head?

 

Don't you just wish that you could have shot him with that gun?

Right in the balls.

That would teach him a little something, maybe in his legs and arms too.

 

Anywho.

 

Let me tell you, I thought I had lost my imagination until writing all of that stuff last night.

 

Thanks for replying to my post, and helping me to feel better.

 

Fallout

 

I think your ideas are wonderful! I definitely think I'll be able to do that eventually.

 

I did go away for a while.

 

It's just hard for me sometimes. I'm really self-conscious about my negative moods.

 

I usually try to calm myself before posting.

 

And sometimes I don't feel like talking on the phone to friends.

I just feel like I'll be such a drag. And I really don't want to ruin anyone else's mood.

 

Thanks for all of the suggestions and advice!

 

 

~Grace

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Hey...you don't have to worry about us, we don't expect you to be all happy and jokes, and it's our choice to read this forum, we know what to expect so you're not bringing anybody down...

 

Now I think you should talk to people as much as you can...not just about this matter but about anything under the sun...it will make you feel better and make you see you're still a normal person like the rest of us...talking to people here on ena over instant messengers would be a great idea I think..I'm available if you decide to and I'm sure many others are.

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My brother well that was on and off for over a year and that happened about 5 years ago when my father passed away. Yeah i still feel like crap and wished he did shot me instead, then i wouldnt have to live with this but i am feeling better and i am not going to let them 2 men reck my life. The hardest part is at night when i am alone.

 

Anyway i really do hope you will feel better soon

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