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How to talk to someone who doesnt want to listen.. HELP!


Arciina
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I've been with my partner for almost 1yr now, living with him for 5mos.

When we first got together we were always happy in love, blah blah blah. He had a serious drug problem, which I helped him through. He had no place to stay, I gave him one. He had NOTHING and I gave him an opportunity to make it in life.

But as soon as we started living together we began to argue about anything and everything.

The past 2mos he has lost his job & license and has failed to go out and provide for the house, forcing me to spend my savings on bills. I am providing for him and I am 4yrs younger!

 

I love him very much but I feel like we have less in common as we did when we first met and he is taking me for granted. We barely have sex anymore, we don't go out as much, I've lost all my friends because he didnt "approve" of them, we don't enjoy the time we share together and he never takes anything I say seriously.

 

It's like talking to a 12 yr old that has the mentality of "I know you are but what am I?" He doesn't realize his faults and he doesn't try to improve our relationship in ANY way. I can't hold a conversation with him about us and OUR faults without getting cussed out and seeing him walk out.

 

Is it a lost cause? How do you talk to someone who will not listen?? How do you get someone to improve themselves for their own good?

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If you are not happy why are still with him?

 

He has made it clear that he does not feel the same about the relationship as you do by his actions. If he cared and felt the same way he would not act how he does...

 

He has showed you by his actions what he thinks of you and your relationship.

You can only do so much as it takes 2 people to have a good relationship.

He is taking advantage of you and how you feel.

 

I know it is hard but you need to cut him out of your life competely and heal.

 

Be strong and we are here for you....

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It sounds to me like he thinks your name is Mat and you are lying in front of the door. He has no job, produces nothing and acts like that's your problem? He obviously has not respect for you. In which case, you need to get rid of him, ASAP. Once someone has no respect for you, it's tough to have a relationship. There are better fish in the sea than this loser.

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He does sound like a user, and he does sound very emotionally immature. I'm afraid I have no magic words of advice that will transform such a person. It usually takes their life becoming a complete and utter mess before they wake up, and even then, sometimes not.

 

One thing that doesn't typically work to change them is to support and enable their unacceptable behavior. And as long as you're providing a roof over his head at no charge, and allowing him to dictate your social life, I'm afraid that's what you're inadvertently doing.

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Arciina - hate to be so blunt but a couple of things jumped out at me from your post.

 

First of all, I like what the poster said about him confusing you for someone named Mat. Good one.

 

BUT - on the flip side.... "He had a serious drug problem, which I helped him through. He had no place to stay, I gave him one. He had NOTHING and I gave him an opportunity to make it in life."

 

Sounds like you feel you are owed something. I'm not saying that you're not owed something, you might be. But the issue might come from expectation of being owed something.

 

If you wanted to help him because you love him and because you think he needs it then do it. Don't do it and expect anything in return. Not only should you not expect anytihng, but you should be content, if not happy, with the changes he's already made.

 

See, I have a feeling he's looking at it like, "I didn't ask for your help, you wanted to help. You wanted me to be this way, or that way...."

 

I'm just sayin', cut the guy some slack, positive reinforcement, positive reinforcement, positive reinforcement!

 

AND if all of THAT fails, ditch him. He's not a good catch.

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And thats what happens when you take in a stray dog... you can bathe him, vet him up, get rid of the flea's, feed him... and he'll still be a stray and bite you. ppppfffssstt. This pooch is a MOOCH. Pack up his dog bowl, his chew toys, and take him to the pound.

 

Not even the dog whisperer can change him.

 

You can't change him hon.. you can't can't can't... I'm sure he's a cutey patooty when he wants to be and has great big puppy dog eyes.. but he's still a louse and a mooch. Ditch that Jerk.

 

 

(No offense to our 4 legged friends out there... they truly are worth the time and the effort...

its these two legged ones can't be paper trained!!!)

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Have you ever heard the phrase, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?" You can give him all the things he need to be a better person but if you doesn't want to do it he won't and you will continue to be dragged down with him. Don't stay with someone that you are not happy with it is not worth it.

 

Jaiva

 

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Hi There and welcome to enotalone!

 

I have to agree with the general concensus here. You did indeed do alot for this guy but it sounds like he has done little in return for you. You have tried to communicate with him and he's just not interested in what you have to say- and now you've lost friends because of him and he isn't working or even trying- and he acts like a child when you try to talk to him. It's time to send him on his way- a relationship should be a two way street, give and take from both parties... and this one is seriously unbalanced.

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As much as you love him, you can offer him the world, but he will always be the person he really is. For this and that reason, he might temporarily change into the person you want him to be. But that will be just TEMPORARY. The real him will surface sooner or later. If you feel something is up, something is not right in this relationship, trust you gut feeling, you are probably right!

 

Listen to your inner voice; do whatever you can to get back in touch with your friends; live the life you have before moving in with him; take the time to think about everything. The bottom line is you can't change him, and you can't live a life for him but yourself.

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