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His grandmother hates me, goes off on me and he won't stand up for me/understand why


jengh
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I've been friends with my boyfriend for about a year now, but we've been dating for a little over 6 months. He recently bought his grandmother's house. He lives 2 hours away from me and I'm ALWAYS the one to drive down to see him (he's "too busy doing stuff around the house...the weekends are his only time to get things done" blah blah blah excuses) but when I stayed there, we were ALWAYS respectful of her (sleeping in different bedrooms). I was always nothing but nice to her. Randomly one evening, my boyfriend and I were watching tv in the basement, she came downstairs and went off on ME saying she thought she had a month left of where the upstairs was "hers" (really, the written deal was that she has a month to get her stuff out and stay there if needed, not that she still OWNED the place) and i have absolutely no respect for her, on and on. Then she left for the night. My boyfriend didn't say a word to her then, and not a word to her since about it. She specifically told him that she would not be apologizing to me but apologized to him for saying something about how he didn't pick up after himself. He didn't even ask why and told me it would be best if i didn't go over there. We have been fighting for 2 months over this (TWO! She's STILL not out of the {mod edit} house!!!!!!) and he wouldn't even tell her how much it upset me.

I have begged him to find out when she's leaving but he just says no, that it would only cause problems. Am I being ridiculous here? He's making me feel like I am.

I make so many sacrifices to see him, spending 4 hours driving total just to see him (soemtimes, I go down there twice a week). I feel like he could at least do me this one favor.

When I do come down, we have to go get a hotel room. It's getting so expensive! I'm a full-time college student and have had a hard time finding a job.

I dont even know what i want to ask you guys. I'm just getting so frustrated, sick of crying about this and sick of spending $100 a week. And, most of all, i'm sick of fighting. I love him, I truly do and I know he loves me, but is it worth it?

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He probably doesn't feel right "kicking" his grandmother out. I mean, she is family and he probably cares a lot about her and just doesn't feel right talking back to her.

 

And to be honest, her still living there is really not your problem. You might be his girlfriend, but it's his house and his choice.. and if he wants her out, he needs to do it himself. But until then, it's really non of your business.

 

But then he also needs to respect you and you need to feel respected. It's not right of her to talk about you like that. And he shouldn't allow it.

 

It all sounds so one sided. You ALWAYS driving to visit him. That's hardly fair and I would think if he really wanted to see you, he would drive to see you too.

 

If it's getting unaffordable, what can you do besides limit the amount of time you drive there. It's not easy and probably doesn't seem fair, but that's all that I can think of. Until things change, it might just have to be that way.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but I think you are putting too much into this relationship and not getting much out of it.

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Wow, I'm so sorry...Hugs..that's got to be hard

Is it worth it? I'd say NO. you two have been dating 6 months. 2 of the months fighting. And all 6 months YOU investing the time & money.

The fact that he always makes excusses NOT to drive and see You..I think is a red flag. And now him not standing up for you when it comes to the grandma & her treating you like crap. Another red flag.

It sounds like you're much more into him than he is you. You are trying so hard to smooth things over & make it work. Investing time & money into this. And he's just not intrested in putting in any effort into this relationship. And not intrested in protecting your feelings. do you really want to marry someone like that? you & him & the grandma can live happily ever after (:

Relationships involve a lot of give & take, meeting half way, and you are giving giving & giving of your time, energy, emotions & money....for what?

I dont' think he's worth it. I think you deserve better.

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I completely understand the fact that he can't just kick her out, I wouldn't want her to, but i just wish he would stand up for me, tell her not to talk to me like that.

 

Okay, I don't ALWAYS go down there. He came to see me ONCE. In six months. One week out of however many were in the past 6 months.

 

I want to be stubborn and just say, "forget it, I'm not going down there anymore until you start to respect my feelings and possibly come see me every now and then", but I give in too easily and that sucks.

If I was "welcome" at his house, I could understand going down there all of the time because we would have a place to sleep, but because we have to spend money each time on a hotel room, I feel that he should come up here half of the time.

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Thank you for saying that. It made me break down and cry but i've been thinking that in the back of my mind, just not admitting it to myself. I guess I needed someone else to say it to me to make it real.

I do feel like I care about him more than he does about me (something I promised myself I would never do), but he does talk about the future which just throws me off. sigh. Back in January, I had a terrible breakdown that took me months to recover from and he helped me through that, he helped me to be happy again. Now, I feel myself having more and more "bad days".

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Thank you for saying that. It made me break down and cry but i've been thinking that in the back of my mind, just not admitting it to myself. I guess I needed someone else to say it to me to make it real.

I do feel like I care about him more than he does about me (something I promised myself I would never do), but he does talk about the future which just throws me off. sigh. Back in January, I had a terrible breakdown that took me months to recover from and he helped me through that, he helped me to be happy again. Now, I feel myself having more and more "bad days".

 

 

Awww..I'm sorry ((hugs))

It's okay, you can handle these bad days. Every bad day is a struggle within you, good & bad. Let the good win. He helped you, Now you Help you (: You can do it. You are a survivor. You can find happiness within.... And you will find love (maybe not with him) but you will find it...a man that will appreciate you & cherish you. And love you more than you've ever imagined. Don't settle for less.

Remember God has brought you to this & he will help you through it. Keep your eyes on the light. Good comes from every struggle.

post anytime & feel free to PM me

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Awww..I'm sorry ((hugs))

It's okay, you can handle these bad days. Every bad day is a struggle within you, good & bad. Let the good win. He helped you, Now you Help you (: You can do it. You are a survivor. You can find happiness within.... And you will find love (maybe not with him) but you will find it...a man that will appreciate you & cherish you. And love you more than you've ever imagined. Don't settle for less.

Remember God has brought you to this & he will help you through it. Keep your eyes on the light. Good comes from every struggle.

post anytime & feel free to PM me

 

It's hard for me. I'm a little overweight and because of that, guys don't give me the time of day. I don't think I'm ugly, just not attractive enough. It's hard finding a guy who cares about me. I can't help comparing every guy I meet with my ex boyfriend. We dated for four years, he was (and still is, in a way) my best friend. No one will ever love me the way he did. But, some things aren't meant to last. We fell out of love with each other. But every guy I come accross, I can't help thinking "Chae ALWAYS respected and loved that about me", "Chae would always make sacrifices for me"... And yes, I am 100% over him. It's just hard being at a big university. There's always someone better than me that guys go for. I know, you'll find the guy when you aren't looking. Whatever.

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(: awww, you're sweet

 

You ex sounds like a good man. And I think that's good you have someone to compare guys too, to know how you SHOULD be treated. That's awesome...you're right, somethings just aren't meant to last...but You never know maybe timeing just wasn't right..and one day (: he he he

 

anyways, University is hard, it's big there is always someone better looking....but that's okay. When it comes to your perfect man, You will stand out in the crowd.

I wish you the best

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(: awww, you're sweet

 

You ex sounds like a good man. And I think that's good you have someone to compare guys too, to know how you SHOULD be treated. That's awesome...you're right, somethings just aren't meant to last...but You never know maybe timeing just wasn't right..and one day (: he he he

 

anyways, University is hard, it's big there is always someone better looking....but that's okay. When it comes to your perfect man, You will stand out in the crowd.

I wish you the best

 

My ex and I still hang out about once a week and our relationship has never been better. We used to fight all the time when we were together (something he did was ALWAYS bugging me), but we haven't fought since we broke up.

 

I appreciate the support. Thank you. Gives me some things to dwell on.

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There are so many red flags in this post. First of all, he's only visited you once in 6 months?? That's as close to nothing as you can get.

 

Also, you don't feel welcome at his house. I would say that this is his fault more than it is his grandmothers. After you drive down 2 hours to see him every single time, he can't even make you feel welcome?

 

And then there's the fact that he doesn't stand up for you or the relationship. There just isn't an excuse for that.

 

You need to talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling. He should be understanding because it doesn't take a genius to see that he's not putting as much into the relationship as you are.

 

In my opinion, from your other posts, it sounds like you think you deserve better but you don't think you could actually find better.

 

You really do deserve better than this. It's just not right and the whole thing obviously doesn't make you feel so good. I think you really need to question your relationship.

 

You shouldn't be afraid of letting go of this guy if you really feel like it's not working the way you feel it should be. Because you know, you have so much to offer to a person, you are obviously not a selfish person and anybody would be lucky to be with you. But you are missing out on someone who can give you all that you give them..

 

And you will find someone who deserves your love if you give it the chance.

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Ellie: Yes, we split the costs pretty much down the middle. We like to drink together, and he usually pays for that. I usually pay for the cigarettes (we're both smokers when alcohol is involved).

 

It just makes me so mad because before he bought her house, we were doing so well together. We truly were making each other happy. When we're out doing things (we both live in Northern MI in tiny towns with nothing to do, so doing things consists of going to movies, going to parties..) it's great.

 

He mentioned once how difficult his ex was, how much they'd always fight. I had to fight the urge to say, "No, it's not HER that's difficult, it's YOU!"

 

Meow:

He's older than me, 27... It's time for him to grow up. I'm going to go see him tomorrow and have a long talk with him. I don't think all of this can be said over IM or phone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

These are my thoughts about it and as such they are only my opinions. I don't guarantee I'm right about anything, but I often am.

 

First of all, STOP spending the $100 a week. You can't afford that. Tell your BF you can't afford it. Ask him if he'd prefer to see you every second week and him pay the $100 each time or see you once a month and split the cost with him. This will accomplish two things. First, you'll be showing some backbone, but in a fair way. i.e. - you'll now be a partner instead of the slave.

 

I don't like master-dog aka master-slave relationships. I'd rather be partners. I think you'd be much happier as a partner in your relationship. So start acting like a partner. A partner is willing to make compromises and try to be fair, but won't take or give all the cr@p.

 

Now on to granny. Maybe she's jealous of you because no one's good enough for her grandson. Maybe she's just scared to leave her home (likely). Maybe she has dementia. Like early Alzheimers (which can cause nasty behavior). Seriously. I'm not being flippant. Possibly she's just a B and always has been. Either way, nasty old folks are only temperary problems.

 

If she was his mother, I'd say you have a problem that will last you 40 years, if you married him. That's much of your life. However, this is an old woman who probably wouldn't be more than a 5 to 10 year problem for you, if you married him. i.e. - she's going to die of old age. So I'd consider her a nasty, temperary problem that will resolve itself. Besides, she isn't going to live there forever. She must have had a reason why she sold her house. To much for her? So clearly she can't stay there the rest of her life. Once she moves out it will be much better for you. Be patient about that, as long as you aren't paying the $100 a month. The $100 a month is the thing you can't be patient about.

 

I suspect that possibly granny was selling the house because it's to much for her, but now that her grandson is there taking care of it, she figures she can stay on indefinitely or permanently since he's now mowing the yard, etc. Likely she's scared to move. Old folks are very fearful of major life changes and I can understand that.

 

If his mother and father are nice to you, then that's most important. If you get the $100 a week issue solved, then you are in reasonably good shape. As for granny, I think you can be patient for a few months to a year because you're young and have many years to spare. Granny doesn't. However, you don't have money to spare. So solve that money issue now.

 

I think if things work out within a year or less from this date, then great. If not, consider if you really want to be with this guy, but give it a year first.

 

Remember, a year seems like forever to you, but to granny it seems like a month. A month to her probably passes like a couple days to you. Old and young folks have a different sense of the passage of time. I'm in the middle at age 38 and it seems like a year flys by to me. I remember when I was 19 a year seemed like a long time.

 

===================

 

P.S. - I won't fault a guy for not confronting his grandma for a girlfriend. Sorry, but that's how I see it. However, I do seriously fault him for allowing you to pay that $100 a week yourself. That is very insensitive of him, even more so considering your age and that you are a student. Also, it sounds (in others' posts) like he doesn't visit you. Also very insensitive of him.

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