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First Anniv. after Divorce...


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Those of you that have initiated your divorce, how did you handle the following anniversary? Mine is this week and it is tearing me apart. I keep thinking how stupid it is to be upset because it was my decision. I was really angry for the first few days. I was focusing on anything that would give me instant distraction. I wanted, and hounded, another man to try and find validation. I knew all along that I needed to stop. That it was wrong to do and that I need to get this from myself. Most times, I've been quite successful in providing the confidence to myself. Once I realized why I had been feeling so off and upset, I was able to address it within and feel OK.

 

Then... this morning I hear our "song" on the radio. It's not a common song and it had been redone by someone new. A friend asked me if there was any chance that we would work it out and I know there isn't.

 

See… A couple weeks ago I went to dinner with my X and he dropped off my vibrator I guess I'd left behind. He visibly shuddered at the mention of it. It was the way that made me feel… that feeling… that it was a disgusting and disturbing thing to have… and that cemented my decision. It confirmed what I needed and had gone without for so long.

 

I had thought that maybe there would be something there, a spark, an attraction… something. He looked great, lost a lot of weight and all gussied up… But there was nothing… There we were having dinner like we'd done a thousand times before and chatting away, just like best friends. But there was nothing more. It was sad, and felt right to be apart now. He spoke about a couple girls he'd been talking to and out with and I thought, "I'm so relieved that he's getting out there and not waiting for me." I wasn't jealous in the least. I've missed the friendship… that closeness. But that feeling that I am sexually disgusting in his eyes was ever too present.

 

Anyway, I am really conflicted and emotional and am calling my counselor again to see how to find the cure to this issue. I know I can't find what I need outside of myself, yet I lack the ability to truly find it internally. I just don't know how to get thru this emotion. The feeling of being undesirable leaves me feeling extremely needy and it takes every part of me to believe I am worthy and better than this.

 

Any suggestions?

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