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Advice please!!!


sillygurl
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Hey everyone....

 

OK, so the ex told me today that the reason he didn't commit to me recently is that he didnt have the time availability he felt I needed and didn't have any more time to give me, but felt I deserved more...

 

So what do I do now?

 

I could care less about how much time he has to spend with me; I care more that he is doing well in school and life, and is happy.

 

So, anyone have any advice? I want him back, but I also want the best thing for him. '

 

thanks!

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Hey sillygurl,

 

I think that the truth behind what he is saying is that he is not WILLING to invest the time into the relationship that you need. I am sorry if this comes out bluntly, it is not intended like that. The thing is, I have been through this a couple of times, and what I have learned is that the men who were not 'able' to invest time, were in fact just not into me (anymore or not to begin with in case of a short relationship). My current bf and I are both very busy. But we have each other as top priority when it comes to spending our free time. We live 200 km apart, so it takes some planning and boring trips by train-- but we both don't want anything else. One of my exes would have his studies and sports and friends first, and then maybe me. Or me for a while if that is what he wanted. The thing is, when one partner is more 'busy' than the other (or claims to be), the other will adjust to his/her schedule. That can make a relationship unbalanced.

 

Personally, I don't think that you will really be happy if you got back together. Being with a person who is less committed than you are can really be painful.

 

Why are you talking to him? I think it's better to really cut off all contact for an indefinite period of time. It will really help you to look at the relationship from another perspective.

 

Ilse

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Hey everyone....

 

OK, so the ex told me today that the reason he didn't commit to me recently is that he didnt have the time availability he felt I needed and didn't have any more time to give me, but felt I deserved more...

 

I can only speak from my perspective, but if *I* said to someone the same thing that your ex has said to you - it would be an excuse.

 

Essentially I wouldn't want to be with the person that I was speaking to and would be trying to say it in the least hurful way possible.

 

We spend too much time analysing the statements that come after the: "I don't want to/can't be with you because..." instead of focussing on the first part.

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How old are you two? The reason I'm asking is because unless he is a full time University student who has to also hold down a part time job to pay the bills and is also involved in some kind of academic society (or perhaps if he has a intensive full time job and is also carrying out post grad studies or some rough equivalent) then the whole "I'm just too busy" line really doesn't wash.

If there's something someone REALLY wants to be with someone else they MAKE the time and MAKE the commitment.

Having completed two degrees and now working full time and studying part time for post grad qualifications, I get very skeptical when people say they're too busy for a relationship. When I look back to my days at high school I really did have a lot of spare time!

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That's what my ex said. Maybe he was too busy. He did have 5 kids and 2 businesses to run and I KNOW that is demanding...

 

...but when he said he wanted to watch CSI Miami so I couldn't travel to meet him, I knew it was over!!

 

Not trivialising this (actually I was devastated and so hurt) but it depends on the specifics of the situation.

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Thank you all for making such good points!

 

It seems like I'm on the right path here, so going to proceed as already planned, and continue N/C. I saw him briefly yesterday b/c he was helping me with something that we'd already arranged. Yes, we're both in school, he's an extremely mature 22, I'm 26. We've been through a year together that 'harrowing' can not even begin to describe, so I'm sure we'll be friends eventually because we have so many amazing shared memories. BUT- like I told him yesterday when he started to kiss me, I need a break from the confusion of how I feel for him (my feelings for him are beginning to be rekindled) vs. how he feels for me. (based on his actions, he doesn't want me as a full-time g/f, but I'm more than FWB) I wasn't harsh about it, we have a jokey way of speaking to each other, so I'm sure I didn't offend him or anything.

 

When I wouldn't kiss him, he gave me a look like, "HA! We'll see about that!" and started kissing me again! I pulled back, (again, jokingly) chiding him and saying that my lucious lips are part of the whole package, and since he didn't want the package he doesn't get the lips or delightful kisses. He was surprised, probably b/c I keep giving in to him...it felt so good to do what was right for me!

 

He told me about the not having time thing because I asked what was wrong with me so I could fix it. (We're very open with each other and to the point, I made sure not to say it in a way where he felt put on the spot) He said there was nothing wrong, that I was perfect, he just had a busy schedule and thought I wanted him taking me out on dates and that sort of thing, and he just literally doesn't have the time right now to do that. So whether it's true or he said it just to be nice and didn't want to tell me the whole truth about some freakishly annoying quality I have, It made me feel a lot better about myself to hear him say it.

 

OK, this is officially day 1 of NC.

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