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He dumped me...told me to wait for him


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Hi all,

My boyfriend and I were going out for 2 years, and we both did some incredibly hurtful things to each other, me, admittedly, more than him. I can't believe some of the things I have done, and yesterday he told me that he's not sure if he loves me anymore and doesn't want a relationship at the moment. It hurt. A lot. It's the first time he's ever broken up with me, the only other thing he's really done to hurt me is cheat with my best friend. But that was a long time ago. Anyway, after a night of crying and pleading for him to give it another shot, and him repeatedly saying no (very kindly, I'll admit), I left it lie till today. He invited me round to talk about it all, sort it out in our heads. I said yes, went round there and he said again all these things and I cried in front of him for two hours!!! Evenutally I said ok, but I can't be friends with him right now because it'll hurt seeing him. Then he started crying and saying he couldn't live without me. I told him that he was the one pushing me away.

Anyway, later on I felt very bad. I felt that I had disrespected him in pleading and trying to bargain with him, I should have let him simpply have his space and decide what he wants. So I sent him a text saying that he can have all the time he needs, I'll wait for him to make a decision, but until he does I can't be friends.

He said that tonight helped him, and if we do get back together (and leave it a while to think about it) then it would be a trial-based-no-sex relationship. I'm willing to do this.

What are everyone's thoughts? Have I done the right thing or not? I feel like I've been very hurtful towards him in the past, and now it's his turn, and perhaps I do deserve this. It hurts so much, like there's a part of me missing, a hollow ache. But then I'm not sure if what he's doing (out of the blue) isn't actually a really nasty thing to do, considering I promised to give the relationship my all, showed him that he could trust me and everything. I'm just not sure. Please reply!

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can I ask you what sort of things that you did to him in the past?

 

I think if you guys were already cheating and stuff like that, it seems like an unhealthy relationship. I definitely can understand where you are feeling so sad about all of this. Being with a person for a long time has the tendency to do that sort of thing. I guess the saying "You don't know what you have till its gone" definitely is true.

 

I'd say just give him the time he needs and truly back off and don't continue begging for him to make a decision. The decision might not be made for awhile now so you have to be ready to accept that it might take a long time. You also have to think in your head, do I really want this as well?

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Hey hun,

 

I think sometimes too much happened between two people to really be able to be happy again. You were with him since you were 15, that's a young age to be very committed. It's normal to grow apart a bit, or start to want different things. You keep repeating that you did more things to hurt him than the other way around. But you also mention that he cheated on you with your best friend, and call that 'the only thing'? That would already be a BIG reason to break up with someone for me. With the bf AND the 'best' friend I mean.

 

You sound like a sweet and mature girl. I think it's best to do NC. I also think it's wise to start dating 'on a trial base' with NO sex (good suggestion, but I think you want to make sure that you are exclusive anyway?).

 

Leave him alone for now, and let him contact you. What do you think you did SO wrong that you feel you deserve this? You don't have to answer if it's too hard to tell here. But it might give us better insight in your situation.

 

In addition (edit), I remember your last post about a guy you were seeing for just 2 weeks? Were you still with your bf when you were with him, or? Sorry, I don't understand the time frame I think.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

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When you end up getting to a bad place in arelationship, when things get screwed up, you need to back up several steps from where it got messed up and begin again. Youa re not totally beginning again, but you do need to act as if you are at an earlier stage in the relationship. So, if you are going to get back together, what he suggested is right.

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