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I have no idea where we stand, please help me


jasonjay
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My girlfriend and I have been fighting for the last few weeks, not constantly but maybe like once a week. Well, during the last fight she snapped at me and told me it was not working anymore and that we should break-up.

 

I asked her why was she doing this and told her that maybe she was speaking out of anger. She thought about it and told me that maybe I was right but she just could not handle anymore drama. I was so relieved to hear that but felt shaky because she still did not say we were back on. She told me she needed time to think about things.

 

For the next week or so after the fight I kept asking her where we stood, what was going on and she said she did not know, and did not want to be pressured because it made her feel like I could not respect her request for time and space. I asked her if she would hang out with me that next week, and she said no and that she did not even know if we would ever hang out. She got really frustrated at me and said she just had not made any decisions yet about anything. She told me to just back off and she would let me know. When I asked how long she needed she said, maybe it was best I did not contact her for a few weeks.

 

So I gave up basically and just let her be. Once that started I saw that she was slowly coming around (or so it seemed). She actually started making light conversation with me through the computer and came to me for advice and help. I took this as a good sign and laid off from asking anymore questions about us. Also, I ran into her when I was out one day and she leaned in and gave me a kiss hello. To tell you the truth, I am so confused.

 

In the last few days, she has also brought up the idea of hanging out with me on a few occasions and we have plans to see each other next week. Once that rolls around though, it will almost be two weeks since I have seen her. I was okay at first when this “break” started but I really want to see her and do not understand why she wants to wait that long. Especially, when we are chatting again and it seems to be okay. But maybe its not? I don’t know because I have been doing my best to not talk about us right now.

 

I mean, what do I do? Should I ask her what the hell is going on or just continue to lay off and play it cool? I mean, does she even know what’s up? My friends say she might not, but is going with the flow because I am no longer pressuring her about things so she is warming up to me again. That maybe she just wants to see what happens instead of having to think about it because she is so exhausted from everything that has happened.

 

And I am also wondering if she is seeing anyone new or pursuing anything, etc I know she has been going out and that doesn’t prove anything but can I ask her this? My friends keeps telling me that we are pretty much still on and sometimes when couples fight they need a cool down period before they come together again. And that if she is upset or feeling bad about the relationship she may want some time to herself still even if our conversations are better. But that basically, she would not be making plans with me or kissing me hello if she was trying to move on. Especially when she had no problems telling me it could be over and we might not see each other again.

 

Please, please give me some advice. I am trying so hard to not contact her unless she contacts me first or ask any questions but it feels so hard today. And I don’t know why but I keep picturing her with someone else today too.

 

I am just really, really confused. I know I should be looking forward to seeing her but I don’t know what is going on with us!!!

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Hey Jason,

 

I think sometimes, yes, people can need a break from each other. But the fighting seems to become a bit of a pattern, and distance doesn't solve that. Having feelings for each other or loving each other does not imply a healthy relationship. Sometimes there are a lot of reasons why people turn out to be incompatible. What were the fights about?

 

I think it's best to not contact her, and see what happens. However, she can't put you in this limbo for a long time. That's just not fair. If you feel you are not up for it, ask her if she wants a relationship or not. At least you will know where you stand.

 

You will see her next week, right? I'd see how it goes from there, and if she keeps being vague, ask her straight up. Really, you don't want someone who isn't in the relationship with all her heart. It's better to know.

 

Ilse

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Thanks for your advice ilse. I know the fighting is not a good sign but I guess I should be more specific. They are not big, drawn out arguments just annoyances or frustrations that make us get snappy. You are right though, it still is not good.

 

They all started because she became busier with school and I do not think I was understanding of that. So I would get upset if she could not spend time with me. This break is teaching me though that I am okay on my own and if things work out I will not make her feel bad if she is busy. I think she felt like I was not understanding of her responsibilities and was not appreicating the time we did see each other. Basically, I was complainig alot and it finally wore her down.

 

I will see her next week and we have something fun planned so I know she is intending to spend time with me not just give me "the talk."

 

But maybe you are right and I should ask her. I just don't know. I feel like all I have done up to this point is put pressure on so maybe I should cool my jets for once.

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Ok, I see. Being busy with school can complicate things, but I think 'petty fights' and 'small frustrations' usually mask bigger issues that underlie them. The underlying issue being that things went off balance since she started school, which revealed that you simply may have different needs. I assume you have responsibilities (job, studies) as well, right?

 

If you get back together, make sure you give her the space she needs, but NOT at your own expense. If you simply need MORE time together, that's your right as well. I used to have a bf that never really had me as a priority and I always felt as if I was too much for him. My current bf and I are both working 60 hour weeks, but still spend every possible minute together. We have the same needs, so there is no conflict there.

 

I hope this helps. Just see what happens next week, and if she is vague and sends mixed signals I suggest you ask her where you stand.

 

Ilse

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jasonjay,

Your situation has some similarities to the one I'm going through with my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I weren't arguing about little things or anything but we are having problems because her school workload increased a ton and her job was straining her as well...not too mention various other stress related issues. Well even though our situations aren't exactly the same the one thing that I've learned is that patience is key...its definitely not easy though. I believe that if you really really want this to work out bad enough that you have to give her the space she asks for and not put any pressure on her whatsoever. You've already seen that when you've backed off that she's started coming around...and now you guys have plans together. I wouldn't start asking her where this is going yet though because she might start to think you're falling into old habits and putting pressure on her again. If school or anything else in her life is putting pressure on her then the last thing she will want is you being one more thing adding more pressure. If she feels though that the time you guys spend together is fun or relaxing and adds no pressure, then she may want to find even more time to spend with you. However, if things continue and you aren't getting enough out of the relationship or you feel that you deserve more attention...then maybe "ilse" is right and you may have different needs than her. If this is the case then maybe she is not the girl for you or maybe the timing isn't right and it wouldn't be healthy to keep pursuing it at this time. That all depends on you. Also, if I were you I'd occupy myself with other things like hanging out with friends or immersing yourself in whatever interests you may have...trust me, taking your mind off the situation makes it much easier to be patient with her. I'm no expert and I don't know if this is good advice...its just my opinion. Hope this helps.

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