Question...

[newvenus]

I am a new member her and would like some support/advice. I am 37 years old and my ex is 39. We have known each other for 2 years but have dated only for 2 months. During a conversation we had last week, he told me he was very happy with our relationship and that he knew he wanted to marry me. However, he later on said that he was afraid (and he seemed physically upset about it) because he was falling in love with me (I told him I was afraid too… and I am… I'm terrified!). He also told me that he was afraid because our relationship was moving into the next level; that he was going to have to lose all contact with his female friends to only be with me – and that that scared him because he didn't want to be left with nothing if I ever decided to break up with him; that he knew I wouldn't have physical intimacy with him until I had a commitment; and that he wasn't sure that he was ready to give me the kind of commitment that I "deserved" right away (in order for us to have sex).

 

 

 

As soon as I heard that bunch of $%#", I told him that I deserved better and that I didn't want him to contact me anymore. At that point, he became frazzled and told me, "I feel like an * * * now for telling you that... I should have kept my mouth shut". He begged me to give him some time to figure things out but I told him no. I knew in my heart that he was confused because his ex of 2 years had told him earlier that day that she was moving to Florida (from MA) and that he was confused by the whole thing. I knew all along that he had strong feelings for her at some point, but the relationship ended because she was irresponsible with money and had a big problem with alcohol. What catch.. ah?!

 

 

 

In any event, the point is that when he was leaving he begged me not to break up with him and to just give him some time so that he could figure things out. I told him there was no way.

 

 

 

I know now that he's back with his ex…. Not for a fact, but I have the feeling that he is.

 

 

I haven't contacted him at all (so hard to do!!), but he called me the other day and told me that he felt really bad about the "whole thing". I told him not to worry about me that I was fine. He then said that I was very intelligent (I'm not sure why he said that… but I think he thinks I know more than I do. He also has a great deal of respect for me). During our phone conversation, he asked me if I was dating and I told him that I was (I'm not by the way), and his response was "already?". I told him… "Well… it has been a week since we broke up!" He sounded somewhat devastated. However, he didn't ask me for forgiveness. I know he is buying time because he knows I wouldn't sleep with anyone that I'm dating… but during my conversation with him I told him that I thought it was time for me to let my hair down a little with any future dates. His reply was "Oh… I don't think I like the sound of that". All of the sudden, I lost the call (I'm sure he cancel the call) and I haven't heard from him since. We even go to the same gym and he hasn't been around (which I will avoid going forward).

 

I love the guy but I don't want to put up with this situation. We had a great time together. He respects me a lot as a woman because I haven't slept with him. I know sooner or later he's going to realize that he made a mistake by being "confused" about his ex-girlfriend situation. But, to be honest, I don't know how I would handle it is he asks me for a 2nd chance -- which I know is going to happen.

 

Can anyone give me some direction?

 

Thanks a lot.

 

 

Please give me your thoughts.

[Beec]

What situation? The man was honest. He did not feel ready for what he thought you wanted to move on, and he told you. And you dumped him for being honest? Or did you dump him for not being as ready as you were for the kind of committment you wanted? You have dated for two months, do you expect everyman is ready for a committment within two months? Yikes, I hope not.

 

You deserve a man who commits when he is ready. If he takes too long, then move on. I harldy think two months is too long. Six, yes. Five or four, probably. Three, three, might be my time to ask questions.

 

I think you need to think about what you expect from someone and when. Also, I would think you would go back to dating someone who was so honest. Ask the women on here, it's not so common.

 

Otherwise, welcome to enotalone. Stick around.

[Bethany]

I can't quite believe you dumped a man who opened himself up and told you how he felt inside.

 

He may have a great deal of respect for you but you are showing by your attitude and behaviour that you have absolutely no respect for him or his feelings.

 

*Shakes her head in dismay* I'm in shock.

[eosesd]

I'm probably not the best person to consult with on this one, but I am going through a similar situation. My ex was (sorta) honest with me and told me had an ex gf - but told me he was over her and would never go back to her for fear of her dumping him again. Any way, we were friends for 2 years and dated a few months when he began acting a bit "different". Not as much into our relationship as previosuly. We never once fought and had lots in commoin. Then he tells me things aren't working out - blames it on some stupid reason. Turns out he went back to his ex. I was simply his rebound - a familiar face that he could turn to in his despair. Perhaps your ex also came to you as a rebound. I have also learned thgat when we sense something - like the fact that they are back with their ex's - then we are probably right. So I think this guy went back t his ex - but wants you to stick around - just in case it doesn't work out. We are their safety nets. That's why they continue to call us. I think your intincts are correct and he is back with his ex.

[newvenus]

Thank you for the replies. I did jump into conclusions very quickly (I have to work on this character flaw) but I was hurt because I saw the relationship falling apart and I had no control over it. The issue was not that I wanted a committment from him! I just didn't want to sleep with him unless I had a committment. I would have casually dated him for a long time as long as I didn't have to jeopardize my integrity and values -- I had a choice in the matter. I have been honest with him so I wouldn't have expected anything less from him.

 

Anyhow, he called me yesterday and told me that he couldn't picture his life without me in it... I was flattered to say least! He said that he was confused for a few minutes because I was asking for a lot (not having sex without a committment) but that he respects and prefers strong women who can resist him and say no. He admits that it is frustrating because he has to fight his sexual urges, but that his emotional and spiritual connection with me has grown to an unexpected level and he wants to pursue our relationship further. He told me that he loves the fact that I'm not submissive and I'm giving him an opportunity to grow as a man. He also said that has know all along that when a woman services a man sexually during the 'dating period' is a dead end street; that a woman telegraphs weakness when she surrenders her body to a man right away -- he finds it repulsive (after the act of course), and that he wants a special relationship with an emotionally strong woman like me.

 

He has agreed to take things slow but wants to establish a more serious relationship. I am very happy.

 

Again -- thanks for your comments.

[Beec]

newvenus, nothing wrong with taking it slow. Some of what you say regarding having sex too early is often true. Women often test men to find their weaknesses, particular whether they can say No to someone and mean it, because they will expect a man to need to do so, should he become a father of her children. Men test women too, and one of the not so unusual tests men use is sex. Have sex with us too early, and with think you are too easy, and we split. Whether consciously or not, the idea occurs that if she is that easy with me, who else might she be with, and as men, we want to make sure our woman has our children, not some other man's.

 

If his feelings are in doubt, doesn't that mean he still has some interest, he is just not sure of how much? Good luck. Don't test him too harshly.

[newvenus]

Thank you -- you seem like a very kind man. I will continue to post updates here in the near future. I will work on my approach with him.... I can be a harsh at times but it's not intentionally -- I'm just afraid of getting hurt.

 

God bless.

[Beec]

Thank you -- you seem like a very kind man. I will continue to post updates here in the near future. I will work on my approach with him.... I can be a harsh at times but it's not intentionally -- I'm just afraid of getting hurt.

 

God bless.

 

Thanks and you're welcome.