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She loves me but likes to flirt.....


Qwerty233
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Hey people,

 

it's my first msg here and I hope someone can help me with my relationship issue

 

Im in love with this girl and she recently told me that she loves me too. However, there is this thing about her that makes me feel uncomfortable. Let me explain..

 

She maintains a relationship with a guy that was interested in her and that she really liked before me....She told me that I shouldn't worry and that all she wants from him is friendship.

 

Personally, I don't like it. I dont mind her having friends that are guy..but maintaining this type of relationship is unethical for me. It's a lack of respect towards me, and it's playing with temptation. I asked her how she would feel if I did the same thing and she told me she would be mad...but then that doesnt stop her from keeping up with wat she's doing...

 

what should I do?

 

thanks,

 

Eric

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Hey Eric,

 

Welcome to enotalone! I think she shows little respect for your feelings. I totally understand how you feel, I'd feel uncomfortable as well. In fact, my first bf also had a 'friendship' with someone he 'liked as a friend'. Well, let's just say he's an ex for a reason.

 

If this continues, I am afraid that you have to set some boundaries. Obviously you can't forbid her to see people. That's not your right, and it will have the opposite effect anyway. The only thing you can do is opening up to her and saying that it makes you uncomfortable and that you feel it's not fair of her to be mad in case you would do what she's doing now. If it doesn't change, I think it might be time to call it quits.

 

Are you really in a relationship with her? How old are the two of you? I just get from your message that you are in love and she loves you too, but how long have you been together and are you officially a couple?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

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Can't totally say exactly what as it depends on how long you've been going out, whether you've agreed to be exclusive, etc and she knew him before she knew you. It may not seem right or fair but if your relationship is fledgling, he may have more claim on her than you.

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It's not unethical - even if she were married to you it would not be unethical. She's an adult and so is her friend and if she tells you that she will keep the boundaries as friendship the only question is do you trust her? Otherwise, you have no right to dictate who her friends are - you are her boyfriend, not her father - all you have the "right" to do is expect that she will only have sex with and go on dates with you if that is what you agreed to. The answer is not to play judge and judge it "unethical." It would be unethical if she were leading him on - but even then, that would be behavior she would have to choose to stop on her own. If you believe what she is doing is unethical and this is incompatible with your values then your option is to leave, not to control what she does. If you don't trust her then I'm not sure what kind of healthy basis there is for a relationship.

 

(and yes, I have friendships with exes as does my boyfriend - in all cases everyone knows it is just a friendship and we trust each other completely).

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This is kind of random but there was this guy friend that I liked (and liked me back, years ago) and now we are amazing friends. If they are friends now, there's probably a reason (friendzoned!) My friend and I realized we were just friends and wouldnt (and couldnt) be anything more.. I wouldn't quit his friendship if a boyfriend wanted me to, honestly (but then again, I don't flirt with him, we just hang out).. If she's flirting with him I'd say there's a problem. If not, then try to remember, she's with you now, not him.

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Thanks Isle and Everyone !

 

I appreciate your thoughts. It helps a lot. To answer your questions. We are both 22 years old. We are not officially together yet. We have been close for the last 3 months.

 

As an update, I spoke to her about this last night. It was akward at first and very touchy but we did find some common ground. She understood how I felt and was willing to make some sacrifices. She realized that she tends to go for the easy relationship, for the people who are interested in her, instead of working on relationships with people who really care about her.

 

Things are not crystal clear btw us on this issue but she knows I dont like it. She said that if it could make me feel better she would tell the other person upfront that she has someone in mind OR refuse to see the guy altogether.

 

She told me that she meets people like that because she wants to have new friends ( btw, she has issues with finding real friends). I told her that it might not be the right place when the intentions of both of u are different, but that I would accept it if she really feels the need for it. I even told her that what she's doing might be okay bcuz she might end up finding her real soul mate..someone better then me and who can really help her grow and change in the future...( somehow, I think that was weak from me). But I do love her a lot and only wants the best for her.

 

Eric

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You are lucky that she didn't see you as clingy considering you two aren't official yet... I do not think that she is lacking consideration for you at all. She seemed to understand what you bringing up... if she does act upon it is another thing. You can't reproach it to her at all until you two are official, that's for sure. Even then, I will agree with even when you are married, you do not control the other person. If she really wants to cheat on you, she will... no matter what the circumstances are maybe won't even matter who it is!

You told her how you felt, there isn't much more you can do now except to choose not to enter a relationship with her based on what you already know.

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