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To be or not to be ?


fierygal
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Hello All. I have a problem with my Bf, we have been together for 3 years and we live together. I have wanted us to get married, but he is not able to commit, he doesnt say that he wont, just that he " isnt sure". He isnt happy where we live and wants us to move to a new area, he isnt happy with his job either and feels that his life is not the way he wants it to be. However we live in my house, I am more financially secure than him and basically have more money and I love my job. I feel that unless he commits to me ie, marriage that I cant risk my own security by upping sticks and potentially having to pay for the life he wants, then if he decides that I am not the woman for him then being dumped, potentially penniless, without friends and familyand not able to support myself. Need some input, What would you do. Please help!!! Confused

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I think that if you want to be married and you are ready to start your life together as a married couple, you need to tell him that and mean it.

 

Commit to me or hit the highway and mean that too.

 

A book that I plan to read soon as Ive heard so much about it is link removed, by Robin McGraw. This is Dr Phil's wife and what I found very interesting is that when they were dating a few years. She kicked him out! She told him that she was ready to be married and that if he wasnt ready to leave. So they split up for a few months and he came back ready to marry. They have been married 30 years, read all about it in her new book. (the link goes to Barns&Noble online bookstore, you can probally find it on amazon too or even in your local bookstore)

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I don't think you should do what southerngirl suggests today, but you should begin to inply that you will be going there soon, and mean it. And if he does not get the message within at the least a few months, kick him out. My deadline would be committment this year, or bye. The rest, his happiness, etc., he is responsible for. What is moving somewhere going to do for your happiness, unless you are running from something or leaving something behind.

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Thanks for replying so promptly, I guess I know in my heart that I shouldnt compromise myself, but I also dont want to compromise him. I want us BOTH to want the same thing, simultaneously I guess. He is a wonderful, genuine person, he has done a lot of soul searching recently through self improvement books, CDs and seminars and I think he is questioning a lot of things in his life at the moment. I know that I dont fit his picture of an ideal women, he likes brunette, celtic looking women who are tall and slim, and I am short, cuddly (Not fat, but rounded at the edges), homely and blonde!!! Part of me wants to just let him go, then I guess I would know then whether he really loves me, as they say " If you love someone let them go, if they dont come back they were never yours to begin with, and if they do, theyll be yours forever".

I just hate all the indecision at the moment, but then if I gave him an ultimatum he has already said that he will leave. I am 32, and my biological clock is ticking...god, I HATE getting older. I feel that I cant afford to waste my time in a go nowhere relationship. But without sounding like a cliche, I really love him and give him 100% support, and I can see his potential as a great husband and father. Sometimes love SUCKS !!!!](*,)

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welcome to enotalone, I only wish you came here under better circumstances!

 

I agree with what both the posters say. I think the bottom line is that you should let him know that this arrangement cannot go on forever.

 

If after 3 years, he still isn't sure that you are the woman of his dreams, then I think you should just leave. you don't have to be all dramatic, but you should definitely start backing off, and start pursuing what you want.

 

It's not really about an ultimatum, but I think after 3 years, you have invested enough time to get an answer if this relationship is headed towards marriage and children, or if it is not. (and it's starting to sound like it is not).

 

If you have an awesome job here, then don't move unless he proposes to you. like you said, you will be feeling like a fool if you quit your job, and he breaks up with you for a tall celtic brunette.

 

I definitely think by the end of the year, if he doesn't give you an answer, it's time to walk. you don't have to give an ultimatum, just say something like, "it's clear that what you want and that what I want are different things, so we should part ways so we can both find what we want. good luck."

 

and go off and meet a guy who is into curvy blondes

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I know that I dont fit his picture of an ideal women, he likes brunette, celtic looking women who are tall and slim, and I am short, cuddly (Not fat, but rounded at the edges), homely and blonde!!!

 

When a man loves a woman, he loves her for who she is, not what she looks like. Superficial ideals go out the window. I am sure he loves you for who you are as a person.

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