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When is enough talking enough?


Krypt
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I've been doing this "dating" thing since August. Always met my previous girlfriends though friends but trying the online route this time. Anyway I already went on 2 separate dates. The first one she said it felt like we were more friends than anything... I was a gentlemen and didn't try anything. The second one I could tell that though conversation that she didn't spark my interest.

 

Now i'm talking to this girl and I must say I haven't felt like this in a long time. I've talked to her through a few emails but for the last two days through AIM. I feel really good about this one but I don't want to blow it. I know I have to act myself but I don't want to move forward to soon and don't want to miss the train. I hate sitting there trying to think of a question I could ask her, we covered most of the basics. I want to ask her out without "asking her out" if you know what I mean. I don't want that stess of a "date" cause i feel it puts to much pressure on the situation, we both agree on that point. I guess I feel this one is special and I want to give her and I a chance.

 

With today being wednesday i was going to see what she was doing friday night or saturday. Should I keep it just us or invite her friends along (aka bar) so she feels confortable. But in the same sense I want to be confortable to. What do you ladies think?

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Hey Krypt-

 

Two things I've learned from online dating on-and-off for about 6 years are:

 

1) Don't get your hopes up. Sad but true, anything can happen with online dating. Having high expectations of someone will only cause pressure and nervousness impeding a fully genuine presentation of yourself or will cause you heartbreak should things not work out as you hoped. I have had female friends post profiles, have separate email accounts set up just for it, and have the inbox fill up within a week. You never know in "real life" but in the online dating world, I've seen things to be even more volatile. There is just a unique type of chemistry generated from getting to know someone online I've found and so many guys on those sites...

 

2) You don't really know someone or the chemistry you have together until you meet in person. You say you have these feelings generated from online communication but honestly these are tied more to the idea for what "could be" with this person. You feel hope I believe more than anything, especially this early on. Be careful with that!

 

3) With that said, you want to cover the basics in your emails, and get together as soon as possible. Don't worry about "asking her out without asking her out". She's on the dating site to go out on dates! So ask her out! Point blank..."I was thinking about going to ABC and doing XYZ, care to join me?" Don't overthink this one, don't get too precise, just roll with it. You seem to have exhausted the email medium, at least ask her for her number and talk on the phone. I've done both, ask her out over the phone or over email. You might want to do it over the phone.

 

While I'm not a lady, I would say leave it up to her whether she wants to bring friends or not, as that might put her more at ease not having met you before and the prevalence of MSNBC Internet stalker specials. The first date is about meeting, keeping things light, putting a face and physical personality to the words and possibly the voice if you have spoken on the phone. Don't think too far ahead of this, just focus on meeting in person.

 

I like your plan. Saturday is still a few days away. I'd shoot for then.

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OK i will hopefully be a big help as i am a) a lady b) just met someone i met online....

 

Yes the pressure of meeting can be scary. And once you've arranged the date - she will panic, as i did. But she'll also know the longer you leave it - the worse it'll be to arrange.

 

You're not going to blow it by asking. FACT! If you're interested ask her - you have absolutely nothing to lose.

 

Feeling and emotions grow very quickly with on line dating - as you get to know the 'person'. However, it can back fire. So get the meeting out of the way before you get yourself any deeper.

 

Don't ask her to bring friends. She needs to be alone with you. Otherwise, she will rely on her friends to judge "what do you think of him?" etc. It'll also put you under unnecessary pressure to 'perform' when you need to relax and be you.

 

This (trust me ) is not the scary part. The scary part is once you've met- and like one another. Then the 'games' start kicking in. You have control of the situation at the moment - so enjoy it whilst it lasts.

 

My only concern is that you've explored everything on IM and email. Really you should be still communicating and have loads to talk about. However, you also need to leave some stuff to talk about on the date.

 

You should be on telephone contact by now...so maybe you should ask her for her phone number before you ask for the date.

 

You don't want to seem needy or desperate. My online guy asked me within 3 days when we were we going to meet? I put it off as i was scared, but in the end knew i wanted to see if the spark was there - and new that if i didn't book something - he'd get pee'd of and probably not bother!!

 

SO....my advise. Get her number and talk to the girl. Only then can you ask her for a date. Don't invite her friends. She will feel uncomfortable - course she will, as she'll have all the same fears and emotions as you. But you're not bringing your mates!!

 

If you ask her on the phone - you'll be able to gage her response much easier then via IM or email.

 

good luck - i hope that this works out for you!! and hopefully met you on the 'toturious' side of when you know thespark is there!!

 

Take care xx

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I met my bf online and we set up a "meet" not a date. I work at a bar and told him I'd be off work at 10 and asked him to meet me after I got off work. (I always met guys from online at the bar where I work, gave me a sense of safety.) Suggest coffee on a Sunday afternoon (as Sat and Frid are considered "date nights") and let her pick the place.

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