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Thanks for listening (long post)


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Just recently (in the last few months) I've gotten to be friends with this girl that I've known for a few years now and well, I'm completely smitten. But, well that's actually jumping ahead too much. (I apologize in advance for the length that I know this post is going to be.)


I'm actually older, probably, than most in these forums at 34 and well, I'd actually completely given up on women. My last really serious girlfriend which was sadly over 14 years ago said something to me in our last conversation that's really affected me. (keep in mind, I was pretty young at the time and completely "in love") Well, I was, of course, trying to get her back and I told her over the phone that "all I want to do is make her happy" to which her response was "nobody could ever be happy if they were with you." Well, after she said that, I thought, "what a b****!" But, the more and more I asked girls out afterwards the more I saw what she was talking about, so I just stopped asking and it's been, I'd say, 10 or so years since I'd asked anyone out.


Well, then I got to know Julie (of course, not her name) and I was just amazed at her, her independence, the ease with which we could talk and she was flirty at times. Well, I became more and more enamored with her and the more I got to know her the more I started changing myself. I've never really worked out, but I started working out (I've actually lost over 15 pounds.) I started waking up early and felt completely motivated at work. I was feeling as good about myself as I had since I was in my previous relationship.


So, we had dinner one Friday night a few weeks ago and I asked her if she would be interested in going on a date. And well, she was floored, she didn't think I was interested and she said she'd have to think about it overnight and she never got back to me about it until Monday. Of course, I pretty much knew the answer that night when she decided to just shake hands as our good night. As I said before, we were friends so hugging when saying goodbye was the status quo up to this point.


On Monday, she hit me up over IM and said that she wanted to just keep things like they were in the "friends" mode, which I'm fine with.


So, now, I'm wanting to keep things in the "friends" mode so I've asked her to dinner/lunch/etc. 3 times in the past two weeks so we can chat some more. That's what we used to do before I asked her out. But she's never responded in the positive and she's actually never returned a call, she only talks to me over IM. So, I'm thinking, this friendship is completely over, which is so very sad to me, because truthfully, just being around her makes me feel great.


So, the question I'd like to pose is whether I should continue trying to keep things in the friends mode or if I should completely stop contacting her and let her contact me if she wants to do anything? I would think that if we were friends then she'd contact me, but I'm not sure if she still thinks that even as friends the guy should be the one who instigates any contacts. Or, of course, if she was just saying she wanted to remain friends because she didn't want to say she'd rather not ever see me again.


There's more to the story, though, because, as friends and before I realized I wanted to ask here out but after I started really feeling good being around her, I started helping her with this big project she was working on. Personally I did it as a favor to her for helping me to start feeling better about myself. So, it could be that the only reason she wants to remain "friends" is so she can still get my help with that project. But, truth be told, I'd still help her out with it because, 1) it really takes me no time to do it and 2) I am still thankful that I got to know her better, I'm a better man because of it. But again, she could be saying she wants to remain friends just so I keep helping her with her work.


I do want to end this with advice for anyone else that may have been completely destroyed by a previous girl/boy friend. Don't let what they said to you make you close yourself off to anyone else. It's true that you won't have anymore relationship pains if you stop trying but you stop living when you do. It's sad that I've not really lived these past few years, I've just been going through the motions of life. Keep yourself in the game, no matter how much you're winning or losing, it's still better than being on the bench.

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But, the more and more I asked girls out afterwards the more I saw what she was talking about,


What was she talking about then? Why do women not want to date you?


Regarding your current situation, I think you have to take the bull by the horns and be open with her in saying you OK with the dating thing not being a goer but you real;ly don't want that to impact your friendship. Let's wipe the slate clean.


She may find it all too awkward but you don't have much to lose by being upfront.

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Well, I don't think I'm a really attractive guy, but we had a very physical relationship so I'm not completely sure, but I'd say I've always felt it was my looks.


Thanks for the advice! It really feels good to actually be able to talk some of this stuff out.




Edit: who am I kidding, I'm a really ugly guy.

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argh, I do have one big problem when it comes to all this stuff. Time goes SUPER slow for me.


So it was this weekend, when I had to do a long drive on sat. only to come home on sun. (went to a wedding) that I called her, once on the way down and again on the way back, she didn't pick up either time and I left a message both times. On Monday, she hit me up over IM (of course) and said she was sorry she missed my calls but it was a hectic weekend, i said no worries and she said we should get together for dinner some time. I said that was a good idea and I knew that right now she's much busier than I am so I said, pick a day. That was the last contact I've had and that was just Monday, but it feels like 2 weeks ago!!


So, should I try and set a time for dinner or should I continue to let her make that decision. I think I should just stop bothering her and if she wants to actually keep in contact, then she needs to respond. I've put forth the effort already, it's her turn now.


(I know I'm answering my own questions here, but hey, this is really helping me talk this stuff out because I don't like talking this stuff out with friends. I don't want them to feel bad about my getting totally shot down. LOL )


Thanks all

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