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To the dumpees: Did the dumper ever apologize?


betrayedgirl
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I am just wondering if the dumpers ever apologized to you dumpees?

 

I got an email from my ex on Sept. 19th (I think) after he dumped me on Sept 1st. He apologized for breaking up with me via email instead of in person. He knows it was wrong of him and that he knows he hurt me by doing that, and to please accept his heartfelt & sincerest apology.

 

I was surprised. I did not respond for two days. I responded and told him I accepted his apology but I did make sure to let him know that I did not appreciate how he ended things, and yes that I was very hurt. I also let him know that I felt very betrayed because I thought we had a great thing going for us. Oh, Yeah I also apologized on how I reacted to the breakup by going to his house (of course he didn't answer the door..coward). He also kept telling me how much he loved me everyday in person and emails at work and while he was at work, etc. Which was why I felt very betrayed.

 

So I havent emailed him since then (9/21). I am trying to do the NC thing and move on. It is very hard. I know I am over him, but I am still feeling very betrayed by the way he broke up with me. It was just the first time i was ever dumped like that!

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You may be over him but you are clearly not over the situation. Make sure you take time to process the grief here...

 

I've found apologies and how they are received to be very much based on timing and a lot of other feelings. People tend to offer apologies in situations like this especially as the break-up is happening or immediately after. I've seen exes years later and felt nothing. And when you feel nothing, the apology and how you accept it really becomes moot. Time leads to indifference and will do so for you too...

 

A lot of feelings are going around right now. Realize that. Realize you are probably sensitive to this situation in general right now. But that is it...right now... Let this marinate a while and I guarantee you won't care as much if at all...

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It is a hard one to answer because very often the dumpers and dumpees see things so differently. The dumpee thinks the dumper has done the wrong thing but the dumper feels they are right in their decision.

 

You got an apology for the way he broke it off with you, which is fair enough. I am not so sure too many dumpers would feel sorry for breaking up with their partners. I mean they made the decision they felt was in their best interests I guess. Unless they changed their mind later on.

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Yea.. well like i said this is my first time I have ever been dumped over email.

 

So he apologized 19 days later. Is that a good thing or bad thing?

 

Yes I am just very angry about the situation. Ugh!

 

Does it really matter? I'm at the point where if someone breaks up with me, I know they are sorry, come on, they're a decent person, but they don't have to say anything at all. What really matters is that we aren't together...and that's the bottom line...not details of apologies after the fact. Sort of like handing out murder charges after the Normandy invasion...

 

The other bottom line is that she really should be "sorry", "sorry" for herself, because she made the biggest mistake of her life by chucking me. Think of it like that in your situation...

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Does it really matter? I'm at the point where if someone breaks up with me, I know they are sorry, come on, they're a decent person, but they don't have to say anything. What really matters is that we aren't together...and that's the bottom line...

 

The other bottom line is that she really should be "sorry", "sorry" for herself, because she made the biggest mistake of her life by chucking me. Think of it like that in your situation...

 

Yep. My friends says it is HIS loss and some other future guy's gain!

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Yep. My friends says it is HIS loss and some other future guy's gain!

 

You see, the word "sorry" means different things. I've said, "I'm sorry" to someone before and heard, "Why are you sorry? It isn't your fault?" Well, that's not what I meant...

 

Being "sorry" is really expressing sorrow. It is feeling sorrow for someone else, it is an expression of symathty, of caring.

 

But as I said earlier, it really is moot. The reality is you are no longer together. Details of the aftermath really don't matter at this point. Break-ups are emotional crisis situations and in crisis situation it's better to focus on the things that really matter, like you, your health, getting sleep, eating, the basics. The details of the aftermath really are secondary and are wrapped in a lot of varying emotions...

 

And he should be "sorry" because it his loss! He is apologizing to himself there I think...

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I have never apologized to any of my ex's I broke up with. I will never apologize for doing the right thing. IMO, there is really no good or appropriate time to break up with someone, prolonging it would be stringing the other along and delaying the enivetable.

 

Unfortunately, breakups are a part of life, it is risk we take when we invest our heart to someone else. And we learn from those experiences, pain can promote change and growth, leading to wisdom. That to me is a gift, nothing to be sorry about.

 

I know this sounds harsh or cold but that is how I see it. I have been on both sides of the fence, I learned so much from breakups and breaking up.

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I have never apologized to any of my ex's I broke up with. I will never apologize for doing the right thing.

 

Unfortunately, breakups are a part of life, it is risk we take when we invest our heart to someone else. And we learn from those experiences, pain can promote change and growth, leading to wisdom. That to me is a gift, nothing to be sorry about.

 

I know this sounds harsh or cold but that is how I see it. I have been on both sides of the fence, I learned so much from breakups and breaking up.

 

Yep. After having my heart trampled on so many times, so harshly, by the women I fall for, I've learned to stay single.

 

Most probably for the rest of my life.

 

You're right about investing your heart into someone, taking a risk of being destroyed by them later on.

 

So why bother? To me, at this point, it's not even worth it. And I've told that to a couple girls faces since I was last trampled all over just to avoid it.

 

They can go hook some other schmuck in for their pleasure until they're tired of them.

 

 

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Does it really matter whether or not you receive an apology for the way they broke up. At least they were decent enough to break up and say "It's over" than going off cheating on you. If I ever had to break up, for me it would be by the phone and leaving a message if he's not there, or if not, then on myspace and NO, I would not apologize. I would have nothing to apologize for, I did nothing wrong.

 

I

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My ex apologized for being a jerk to me....three years later! Haha! We hadn't talked in a long time until he struck up a conversation with me one night. He came over and we just hung out for awhile, and he apologized for being a jerk back when we were together. We were only together for one month my freshman year in college. It surprised me a lot! I told him "uhhh...well, it's been three years...don't worry, i'm pretty much over it". He said he knew that I was over it but he wanted to apologize anyway. It was actually very nice. I have no desire to get back together with him EVER, but it was a nice gesture.

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But if they broke up then there's no need to apologize, no matter how they dumped you. If they really cared about you, then they would not have dump you in the first place.

 

My guess is that some waste their time apologizing b/c they don't wanna deal with guilt, they wanna free themselves out of selfish reasons.

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let's face it, if they were really that sorry, why would they have broken up with you?

 

Because sometimes they really tried to make things work, both people did. Both people put their hearts into it, but no matter what they did, it just didn't feel right, it was forced. They simply "couldn't do it" anymore, they were worn out trying to fit the proverbial "square peg into a round hole". Like one doctor giving up CPR on the body while another keeps going...

 

And maybe both people could see this and the "dumper" was just the one to say what both people could see. I've been in a few situations like and been on both sides...believe me, whether you see it or not, everyone hurts in situations like this...and the expression of sorrow is not rooted in fault, not about "right" or "wrong", it is based on symapthy for going through the impending grief and knowing feelings will hurt even if the decision to separate really is for the best...

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it's not that they didn't care. I'm sure that they cared, but their reasons for ending the relationship outweighed the reasons to stay.

 

it's kind of like saying to someone. 'I'm sorry i missed your party - i had to work that night." are they really sorry for missing the party? maybe, but not enough to risk their job.

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it's not that they didn't care. I'm sure that they cared, but their reasons for ending the relationship outweighed the reasons to stay.

 

it's kind of like saying to someone. 'I'm sorry i missed your party - i had to work that night." are they really sorry for missing the party? maybe, but not enough to risk their job.

 

In any case, I believe there is some degree of genuine sorrow and the amount is very circumstantial. Not the sorrow associated with doing something wrong, but the type of sorrow you'd express to a family at a funeral, for example.

 

Then again, every situation is different and I've definitely been in situations where the break up was "canned" and there was a very small degree of perceived genuine sorrow. So perhaps this is a very situational question where no generalization is applicable...like many other relationship issues...

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hmm .. interesting topic. when I was going through my breakup, I felt a lot of anger towards the ex (my attitude has completely changed now) ... but as that invisible circle of negative energy between us eased up a little bit, I had a couple of random and friendly interactions with her. (this was about 3/4 months after the official breakup)

 

during one of these casual conversations on the phone, she very quietly and in an very fleeting and understated way said something along the lines of "i wanted to apologize for being selfish in the relationship" ... i distinctly heard it and just the way she said it, I knew it was something that was bothering her for a long time about the manner in which she broke up with me ... but I let it go. I could *feel* how difficult it was for her to say that (of course she has a bigger ego then most alpha men .. haha) ... but she knew I heard it. That was enough. I obviously could have opened up that uncomfortable dialogue and let us both dwell on it ... but all that would do was feed that negative energy bubble that had been around us for the past few months, so instead i just let it go with a warm (not sarcastic) "hmmm" and changed the topic into something light and fluffy.

 

the thing is, no dumper is going to want to regret dumping you, but at the same time, they do understand how much pain they are putting you through. the thought and feeling to apologize will be there in the dumper (unless you were abusive/cheat etc), but their ego/self respect will prevent them from wanting to put themselves down in front of you at a time when they need to be and remain psychologically-speaking on top of you ... otherwise their minds will start playing tricks on them ... start second guessing their decisions ... and that's when those power struggles of push-pull, breakup/makeup will start again.

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