How long can a long distance relationship last ?

[ProChiller82]

Hey everybody, I must say unfortunately I'm new here. I'm in an extreme long distance relationship since a little over a year now and until yesterday I was as happy with it as anyone could possibly be. My girlfriend is from America, I'm from Germany, so this goes around half the globe but believe it or not, in this past year we've seen each other for at least a week every 2 months, we talk on the phone almost every day, let alone emailing each other and writing messages.

 

Next year we were planning on moving in together in Germany. However after researching job opportunities for my girlfriend we came to the conclusion that she would probably end up being a part time language teacher at most, whereas even before we met she was studying to be a college professor some day. So basically if she moved here she would give up her friends, family and career and she's really not the type of girl that could be a stay-home person and she likes to be financially independent, so that would be a high price and we would trade in the being-apart-from-each-other-part for the no-career,all friends gone and being dependent part. We could live off my money, we wouldn't be poor but also not exactly rich so we'd have a, let's call it limited lifestyle.

 

Right now we cancelled our plans of moving in together, so she can go on to grad school on a scholarship in the US. I could still go see her whenever I get a leave (which is the reason why I'm kind of "stuck" to this side of the world for quite a few years), but since she would go live in a different town her costs for living would be higher and our every 2 month plan is probably not going to happen anymore either.

 

So as you can probably imagine this has struck me quite bad, because within the last 48 hours the big finish line of us being together for good disappeared and as of now my whole relationship seems to take a completely different shape. We love each other and faith, trust, understanding and communication have never ever been problems.

 

Is a strong basis for a long distance relationship enough to make it work forever ? Or am I too blind to realize it's time to let go ? You never know what happens in life but as of now we're looking at ridiculous 9 1/2 years! These are questions that run through my mind and that are logical but honestly I think those apply to couples that have problems in their relationship between themselves. To me that would mean I have to give up the person I love and that means the most to me and for that obvious reason I can't picture myself doing that.

 

 

P.S.I don't even really know what kind of answers or comments I'm expecting here, I think I just kind of needed to vent. Thank you for reading this and if someone has an idea or a similar experience (like this happens to a lot of people) I'd really appreciate it

[rose2summer]

I think that long-distance relationships can be very fruitful.

 

They are very exciting but also very difficult at the same time.

 

I was in a long-distance for 1yr and truly enjoyed it but it was also very draining and frustrating at times.

 

9.5yrs is a really long time to be apart but if you feel is the "one" for you then it may be all worthwhile.

 

If you have any doubts about her, it may be best to go on your own way as you would be spending your "prime" years at age 24 instead of another woman.

 

Hugs, Rose

[melrich]

I don't think such a long distance relationship can last for ever. I couldn't even take a guess at how long soemthing like that could last.

 

I believe that what keeps them going is the common goal that you are eventually going to be together, that is, there is some sort of end game and the seperation factor is temporary.

 

If you are talking about 9.5 years before you can be together, in my guess it is too long. You probably need to put your heads together and see if you cannot manufacture a better solution.

[Scout]

If one of you loves the other enough to make some sacrifices and move to his/her country, the relationship could last indefinitely.

[kafka]

Similar experience here. I lasted two years of being apart a greater distance than yours. We're together now but that is because I finally had to say, "something happens NOW and we're together or we end it so that we can both get on with our lives." I was the one who made the big move and left the good job (that wasn't too difficult for me though as I was hating that job anyway!). In the end I found that it is extremely difficult to sustain a relationship with only a 1 month vacation out of every 12 and phone calls in the middle of the night to keep it going.

 

Like melrich I think that for a long distance relationship to be successful there has to be an end point in sight.

 

Sorry this is probably not what you wanted to hear.

[Aurian]

Ditto - you need to have an end point in sight or it can get too demoralizing always hoping for "someday"

[ProChiller82]

Okay people, we put our heads together and came up with a plan B. That would put a definite end after 4 years with an average of 4-6 trips per year. The big thing about the big move is that only she could make it within that 10 year time frame since I'm in the military, so all I could do is request to get stationed overseas which would be like asking god to move a mountain out of your way. Those of you in uniform probably know what I'm talking about.

 

You guys are right about the end-point in near sight, but I think as long as there is a certain feeling for the relationship and enough confidence that it'll work it can get you quite a ways.

 

Thank you for all your comments so far, it's cool to see I'm not the only crazy one out there.

[monkey1]

4 years, man. That's me. It's always been long distance and the bf's now in the UK, i'm in the States.

 

Anyway, yeah it's a HUGE deal for someone to pick up their things, leave everything they've known and are familiar with to move to another country. It's scary. You might be able to last that long (9 years) long distance, but the changes that one of you will get tired of it are high. Heck, it's why people can't do it for more than a month.

 

I say, if it's next to impossible for you to be stationed in the states, then why doesn't she try and move and apply to go to school to get a teaching degree at a university there and work part-time as a teacher? she could probably get a visa easily if she's going to study there.

 

i think when people move to a new place and it's rough, you should give yourself a year to see how things go. sure there might be more lows than highs, but really for your relationship to work, someone is going to have to make the move.

 

i understand your gf not wanting to depend on you financially because i'm the same way. i don't want to move in with my bf and have him support him, but that's why if i decide to move over there, i'll want to have a job when i arrive ... there's more, but that's a whole other conversation.

 

but yeah, i understand your frustration. just know you're not the only one who's struggling with a relationship you aren't sure will end from LDR to a RL relationship.

[melrich]

Stay in touch. Let us know how you are going.

[ProChiller82]

We really considered all options, especially the one of her being a language teacher. Those jobs are first of kind of rare and they don't get paid really well either because pretty much all of them are on a freelancer basis. Studying here is quite a story as well, since it'd have to be in english and for foreigners it's not really that easy to get into universities here.

 

I'll make the big move once and for all when I'm all done here or even earlier if I get stationed over there. Plus after she has her masters she could probably go for an internship for a year or 2. I'm sure we can figure out something by then and both of us will have our careers.

 

So what are your plans about England ?

[monkey1]

 

So what are your plans about England ?

 

Hell, I don't know. He's got some business to sort out in the States, but some stuff has happened with that. As for me, I just got a job offer today FINALLY (out of work for 6.5 months!!) with a travel agency which one of the perks is a free plane tix. So depending when I can get access to that and get time off, I'll use that towards going to see him. Must be a sign. And you know how expensive tix are from the states to europe!!

 

We both are both financially trying to get started and settled. It's really rough.

 

I hope things work out for you and like Melrich said, let us know what happens.

[audrey]

there's no pain that last 100 years, not a body can resist it either. i have a similar case with my LDR. But i dont have to wait for 9 years, but 2. to be honest i hate the idea to wait, for me 2 years its alot! you can say: you exaggerate ...i do know, but i do. sometimes i want to take an airplane to holland and to be with him for a lifetime. not impossible but for sure difficult, i live in south america, peru.

 

honestly, i hate distance and time, they kill me, thats why i feel sad, you maybe feel that too. i dont know what she thinks about it, but i think isnt good to keep a relationship in a long distance for so long.