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He ended contact last night after his verbal attack


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I feel so stupid. Why have I stayed with him? How can I have these feelings for him? Whenever things seem great between us, he turns around and acts completely different. I couldn't even go to work today. I called off, and it's only my third week at my new job.

 

Last night my bf called me 3 times to tell me he loved me and missed me (and i could tell he was drunk)

 

Then he called a 4th time saying he needs to move out of his place in 2 weeks and wants us to live together - just as friends, because he can't be in a relationship right now, yet we'd still act like couple...(what i talked about in my previous posts)

 

We started fighting, he started cursing at me and hung up on me, called me back to curse at me some more and told me he never wants to talk to me again.

 

I woke up this morning miserable, called off work, and text him that i want my stuff back that he has (mostly a cell phone that is in MY name and I've been paying for)

 

I called his house like 10,000 times and finally his brother answered and sounded irritated, and must think I'm psychotic...He said my bf wasn't there which could have been a lie.

 

I called his cell phone 10,000 times as well and finally left an angry message...i called back later and left a message apologizing for acting so crazy and that I just want the cell phone - or at least the SIM card back.

 

I want it back b/c i know that's all i'll be able to think about until i get it...

 

I had to delete his numbers from my phone so that I don't call him.

 

I've been crying all day, and I feel sooooo stupid for calling him so many times.

 

This relationship needs to end, no one should ever treat me like that - it's the 2nd time it's happened - shame on me.

 

I just feel like if i don't get my stuff back ASAP I'm going to spend every second wondering when the heck he is going to call me to give it to me. I can live without the movies and stuff, but i'm going to be pissed if he uses that cellphone that I pay for. Sure it was for him, and i've had no problem paying for it for the past year, but now that he never wants to talk to me again - that's a whole other issue...

 

Isn't there anything to cheer me up???

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Sorry you are experiencing this agony. We've all been there!

 

I'm new here, so forgive me if I appear to have missed things you may have shared in previous threads...

 

The fact that he called to say he misses you indicates to me that either you are in a LDR, are currently taking time off from the relationship, or both. If it is the latter, then it seems appropriate for him to request that you possibly live together as friends (at least initially). Again, I do not know any details, but sounds to me as though perhaps he was trying to avoid pressuring you into getting deeper into a relationship. Somehow I doubt that he wants to be "only friends" if he prefaces his statements by declaring his love for you.

 

If this is the case, then he was treading very lightly and testing you for a response as to whether the love is reciprocal. Given the sequence of your paragraphs, that's when the arguing began last night. Was it his request for a friendship-based living arrangement that triggered the fighting?

 

As for proceeding to verbally attack you, you did mention he'd been drinking. Not that intoxication is EVER an excuse for behaving like a neanderthal, the fact is they call it being drunk for a reason. Emotions are heavy and the intoxicated person will not censor or check him/herself, especially when the drama of a relationship comes into play.

 

If there is any hope at all for salvaging this thing, speak with him while you are both sober and get to the bottom of his intentions with the calls last night. Open up with an appeal for 100% honesty. Meanwhile, explain that you're hurt that he launched those verbal attacks. Explain that while you understand that drunken speak frequently carries little or no weight, words can still kill relationships and that you expect a greater deal of sensitivity from him.

 

Sounds to me like there is a communication barrier and games being played. I know how that is... SIGH... If we could all just speak truthfully and openly at all times...

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You both are too young to be getting seriously involved in any relationship. You need more time and experience before you know what you really want from a commitment as well as what you have to give. This relationship is a mess. It is best to part as friends and give yourselves both the chance to experience other people and situations. It would do you a world of good.

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I would make it a rule in all future dealings is that if someone is drinking, you cut the communication off for the night. Things get said and it only hurts more. Simply say, "I'll speak to you in the morning" and don't answer your phone for the remainder of the night.

 

If this relationship is truly over, then stop calling him. You've made your point that you want your stuff back. Give him time to do so (rather than angering him until he doesn't want to help you out.) Don't pay the phone bill. The service will be shut-off. Better yet, have it shut-off.

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Your thinking is right. You need out of this "relationship". Sometimes, it is easier just to forget about the material possessions. If the cellphone is in your name and you are paying for it, call up the cell company and cancel it. It's as easy as that.

 

Getting the cell back wouldn't do you much good anyway. Cancel the contract and eat the dough and be glad it's over. Don't allow yourself to let something small like a cell phone chain you to this drama.

 

The money lost is a nice reminder and the contract cancellation fee is a heck of a lot cheaper than the therapy you will need if you continue in this drama.

 

Hang in there...

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But, DaDancing... If communication was off limits when one or both partners are drinking, I, personally, wouldn't even be in a relationship right now! Hahaha... Check out my thread, "She's Only Romantic When Drinking."

 

If we dismiss drunken emotions, where the hell does that leave me with my current mate? Doh! =)

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First of all, he is 26 years old in about 2 weeks. He is old enough to make better decisions and should already know what he wants to do with his life.

 

Second, I can't shut the phone off (i tried in the past when we were "breaking up") it'll cost me $175 that I don't have and if i don't pay the bill it'll hurt MY credit and shut off my cellphone too (it's a family plan).

 

I love this guy, and i hate myself for loving him. I just want out and everytime I think i'm getting out he sucks me back in. The worst part is he doesn't do it on purpose! He's just so confused and it confuses me!!!

 

...I'm just exhausted from dealing with is mood swings, and at the same time I'm afraid to lose someone that I love. I've never felt like this before about anyone. He's the first person to truly open my eyes to the world after my dad died. He purposely tried to push me away last night because he says he's not good enough for me - and i'm sick of hearing that too.

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NJRon,

 

I know I should just suck it up and pay it, but i've been trying to dig myself out of my debt and i'm getting close, but once again, this'll put me back...Maybe i'll just wait and see if he actually uses it? he hardly uses it now... If he uses it, then i'll cancel it...I don't have too much longer until my contract is up.

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CrossCheck:

 

Emotions are emotions... the fact that she is allowing those emotions to cause her stress means that she needs to back away. She is wrapped up in them. In addition, abuse of any kind... physical, emotional or verbal, is an unacceptable behavior.

 

This is not the first time it has happened. Listen to what the guy is saying... he is all over the place. At one moment wanting to move in together and live as friends because he can't be in a relationship, then stating his devoted love, then verbally abusing her.

 

He has no idea what he wants and is reaching out for something... that is unhealthy for *her*... and *she* is the one that is wanting out and I don't blame her.

 

As for your issue, I think that if someone can only express emotion while drinking or "using", then they have some tremendous issues that, in the end, are going to prove unhealthy for *you*. You are the important person in the realtionship. Always remember that. Be with people that treat you the way you want to be treated... love isn't always enough for a relationship... sometimes love is what you *need* to be able to let go... let go with love.

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NJRon,

 

I know I should just suck it up and pay it, but i've been trying to dig myself out of my debt and i'm getting close, but once again, this'll put me back...Maybe i'll just wait and see if he actually uses it? he hardly uses it now... If he uses it, then i'll cancel it...I don't have too much longer until my contract is up.

 

I understand your reasoning.. and it is not valid... I only say so from experience because i used the same reasoning once... and ended up with a $800 bill... $300 one month that made me cancel... and then the $300 additional in calls that had happened between the last billing cycle and my cancellation and then a $200 contract cancellation fee.

 

Maybe you should, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt.. which he doesn't seem to be providing, you just suck it up. In the greater scheme of things, the cancellation fee is going to be a blip in your "getting out of debt" plan... much smaller of a blip than what I went through.

 

Edit: you can also talk to them about spreading out the cancellation charges accross multiple bills... they do it all the time.

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love isn't always enough for a relationship... sometimes love is what you *need* to be able to let go... let go with love.

 

Thank you. I think that is the best advice I have ever gotten. I do love him. But I want to "take" and not always "give". I need to let HIM go, because the bad outweighs the good. We have more good times than bad times, but the bad times are always REALLY bad, and leave me scars of how I never want to be treated.

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Yeah... it's tough. But, if you can see that it is right for *both* of you... and you do it because you love yourself and the other person, it helps a lot. You can never take love.. you can only give it... so give it freely and let it be freeing... for both of you. Love shouldn't bind. Move on to something that supports your continued growth... don't submit to being held back.

 

Best wishes...

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I have a family plan with Verizon. My nephew lost his phone. His dad got him a replacement phone through another company.

 

Here is what I did:

Called verizon told them the phone was lost and the service needed to be suspended. Advised I do not want a replacement phone and agree / understand that I'll continue to pay the $10.00 fee for the line. Call each month to re-suspend the phone. They didn't mind doing that, at all.

 

You can do that too! Tell them the phone was lost or stolen - suspend the service so he can't make calls - and continue to pay the additional $10 or whatever it is.

 

I kinda think that it may be a possibility that you can't stand the thought of not having a phone number to call him at. Cut the phone lines, Sweetie. And cut the ties with him.

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I kinda think that it may be a possibility that you can't stand the thought of not having a phone number to call him at. Cut the phone lines' date=' Sweetie. And cut the ties with him.[/quote']

 

Actually, my intentions along those lines are so that I CAN'T call him. I'll be more likely to text him or something knowing I can...But I also don't want to pay for any of his usage of the phone.

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I know, but since it's Day #1 I'm allowed to be a little pathetic, aren't I? I'm not going to call him, I already did that a zillion times today and freaked his family out probably...I wasn't calling to talk to him...i just called and if it rang i'd hang up super-fast so his phone wouldn't ring. I just wanted to know if he got my pathetic messages and the only way to know if he even touched his phone would be if it was turned off...

 

I'm such a loser.....

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Dealing with a break-up is hard. I can tell you you'll get over it, meet someone else, etc but you won't be ready to accept it right now (even though I know I'm right from experience). You're ALLOWED to be a loser for a few weeks/months. In 6 weeks time, you'll be looking for the rebound fling.

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You are not being a loser.

 

I think you'll look back on this and think "Why did I waste time on him?"

 

He just doesn't seem worth your time and energy, Sweetie. You say that you just want to get the phone "back" so you won't have any further excuses to call him. Have the phone suspended.

 

He's apparently not got it together. Won't have a place to live in 2 weeks, can't get his own cell phone, drinking... You deserve much more. If I remember correctly he's around 26. He has no stability to offer you and he doesn't seem like a nice guy anyway.!

 

(( We know how hard it is to take the necessary steps to sanity. We're here for ya, Sweetie! I know all of this is easier said than done!))

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Thanks everyone! i had a pretty good day, actually. My boss lectured me on what a jerk he has been to me and made me realize how he has been the one manipulating me - even if he may not intentionally be manipulating me, he still is and i don't need someone like that in my life.

 

I actually just started at this new job, and my boss also told me that i have to look at myself from another perspective too - she said that i was the number 1 candidate for the job, and they had no doubts that they wanted me for the position as soon as the interview was over. She made me remember that I'm a great person and have a lot going for me in life, and that no one should make me this upset.

 

So I'm going to cancel the cell phone, mail him his stuff, and push him out of my life.

 

My question is: What if he calls? I know everyone's going to say just ignore the calls, but that's a lot easier said than done - what if he shows up at my house? I think eventually he will find a way to talk to me, and i just don't know what i'll do when that time comes. I'm too mature to say all the things i really want to, but I want to be able to do the right thing, and i don't know what that is. I'll always love the man that made me happy - but i can't forget the side of him that made me miserable...

 

It's soo confusing.

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