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Hi there,

 

I absolutely adore my boyfriend. He is my partner, my best friend, my everything... It's hard because he is divorced. And he is not 100% over things with his ex. During my relationship with him, he tried to "do the right thing" and tried to get back together with her (all behind my back so as not to lose me in the process).

 

He tells me he does miss her at times, and he tells her these things. He also tells me that he doesn't want to hold the feelings in - so he tells her and let's them go. He promises he doesn't have feelings for her - it's just that they've been together for 10 years and she was his best friend and wife at one time. So I can try my best to understand.

 

Here's the hang up. I feel like she's on a pedistal and I will always fall in 2nd place. He doesn't compare us, but sometimes with things he says, he can make me feel that way.

 

Also, though we've been together for nearly 2 years, I know he doesn't want to marry me - at least not yet. He tells me he can't imagine having to call her to tell her or ask for an annulment. He also wants to make sure things are right before marrying again.

 

That said, I do feel like I'm wasting my time. Will he ever feel that way about me? Will he want to marry his first relationship after his divorce? I'm 28 and want so badly to get married and start a family. Am I wasting my time? It's hard for us - I get insecure when he talks to her (which is a few times a month maybe) and we argue. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept his past because at one point he hurt me so badly be betraying me with trying to get back together with her. But, in the end, he chose me. He picked a life with me, not her.

 

I am just at a loss. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I can't deal with her in his life - especially when he misses her while he's with me. It hurts. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. He tells her he misses her and to me, the more he tells her that, feelings could slowly develop - and before you know it, he's getting back with her...

 

I feel like I should move on sometimes... I deserve for things to be easy. I deserve to be the only woman, the only focus. I want someone to propose if they want to marry me - versus not propose b/c they are too scared to call their ex. But I love him. So I'm torn. My heart says STAY. My brain says GO.

 

Advice? Thoughts?

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Also, though we've been together for nearly 2 years, I know he doesn't want to marry me - at least not yet. He tells me he can't imagine having to call her to tell her or ask for an annulment. He also wants to make sure things are right before marrying again.

 

 

I can relate to this from the other side. I am in the divorce process and have a girlfriend for about a month. I am still very attached to my wife and some part in me wants her back but another part wants to move on and forget about all of this.

I don't understand what the annulment is all about. You said that he is divorced so why does he need to ask his ex when he wants to get married to you?

While I still have strong feelings for my wife I do know that I will have to give 100% to my new partner eventually. She deserves to be the only woman in my life. That's something you maybe should talk about with your boyfriend. Two years should be enough to get over a 10 year marriage and to be honest, if he is not over it by now he probably won't be over it in 10 years either. That's a fear that I have for myself, it seems to be more prevalent with men from what I can tell.

Talk to him and then make a decision. There are plenty of men who will give you all their heart.

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I am just at a loss. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I can't deal with her in his life - especially when he misses her while he's with me. It hurts. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. He tells her he misses her and to me, the more he tells her that, feelings could slowly develop - and before you know it, he's getting back with her...

 

I feel like I should move on sometimes... I deserve for things to be easy. I deserve to be the only woman, the only focus. I want someone to propose if they want to marry me - versus not propose b/c they are too scared to call their ex. But I love him. So I'm torn. My heart says STAY. My brain says GO.

 

Advice? Thoughts?

 

Wow..... my thoughts.....You said it all perfectly here!

Follow your brain (it knows what you need to do).. your heart lead you a stay.

You deserve to be the only women! And telling her his feelings so he can let them go? doesn't seem right..I would feel betrayed.....I totaly agree with where all of that could lead.

You are right to feel what you wrote. from the sounds you've been very wise & mature about this situation. Stay strong & follow your brain.

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While I still have strong feelings for my wife I do know that I will have to give 100% to my new partner eventually. She deserves to be the only woman in my life. That's something you maybe should talk about with your boyfriend. Two years should be enough to get over a 10 year marriage and to be honest, if he is not over it by now he probably won't be over it in 10 years either. That's a fear that I have for myself, it seems to be more prevalent with men from what I can tell.

Talk to him and then make a decision. There are plenty of men who will give you all their heart.

 

Completely agree with MarkfromMark here (:

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Markfrommark... The annulment she may be referring to is a "CHURCH" annulment. In the Catholic faith they are still married in the eyes of God and Church even though they've gotten a Civil Divorce Decree. It used to be tough getting a church anullment.. but now and days I hear all it takes is a ton of paper work and some green-backs. You can not remarry in the Catholic Church until you've received an annullment.. or your spouse keels over.

 

 

Thank-you for your candor too regarding your feelings on Divorce from your wife.

 

To the OP...I getcha GF. I think I would feel the same way. You are YOUNG and you don't have a family yet... or children. So yes, you do deserve it. Everyone deserves it. Once. lol.

 

I'm divorced... I've had all the kids I will have. I'm done. So, I'm not bent on the marriage part of it. HEII NO. Having gone through the pitts of heII.... I loathe to step into that fire with .. ANYONE... don't care if they were RIchard Gere... lol. HOWEVER... I so understand what you are saying about his WISHY WASHY attitude with his "X"... I don't know how you were able to forgive him after he tried to sit his BUTT on two chairs and even jump ship on you. And to what??? BACK to her??? ohhhhh thats rich. I'd rather that he found someone else or I was jealous of someone else than his "X"... lol. So yeah.. I hear ya.

 

Take your time... Think it through. And do what is BEST for you. Sometimes.. yes, you can love someone very much.. but if they don't fit..or you have all this uncertainty .. then you need to walk away.

 

I don't think your guy disconnected. He may be 2 years out..but he had never fully disengaged emotionally. He's divorced on paper.. but emotionally, he's still married. And thats the hardest divorce to make. Its personal.. and its internal. Your guy still has hopes.

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I think he's only with you for security reasons. I myself am divorced (married nearly 10 years) but I made damn sure I had no more feelings for my ex before I jumped into another relationship. I think it's unfair to the new person in your life to have feelings for your ex. It's obvious to me that he needs to find himself.

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