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can we save our relationship?


mudbath
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i've been with my bf for more than 8 mths. i thought we might have rushed into getting together. this is my first relationship and i admit at that time when we got together, i didn't think very carefully abt whether we were right for each other. i thought he was a great guy and that eventually love will grow between us. it's true that over the mths, i've grown to like him more. i think i love him, even. however, there's a very big prob that we have that we keep arguing abt. ours is not an easy relationship because we don't communicate very well. he can be quite insensitive, because when i was with him, there are times when i saw him staring at pretty girls. i used to kick up a fuss, but now i just try not to look when a good-looking girl walks past. he also has many close girlfriends or 'sisters', one of whom i think he used to like.

 

he still keeps in touch with her regularly and once he even said in front of me that he talks to her all the time, and his heart aches when she tells him that she's having trouble at work. these little things really bother me, so that i keep bringing them up, hoping that as we talk, things will work themselves out. however, so far, all the talking seems to have made things worse. sometimes i feel so bad for myself that i say things that make me sound paranoid and jealous, such as accusing him of lying when he tells me he doesn't think abt his ex (another girl not the previous one) anymore (he still keeps her photo in his mobile phone). he says that he feels i've never trusted him. perhaps it's true, because i'm afraid of getting hurt and i don't have close friends who are guys so i don't understand how platonic friendships between the opposite sexes really work.

 

i really like him, and not having been with anyone before, i guess i rely a lot on comments from others abt the dos and don'ts of being in a relationship. my bf has said time and again that he loves me and he wants to be together with me for the long term, but i just can't believe him, because i always feel that maybe we're not meant to be after all. i think he has reservations abt me too, because i match him intellectually, and he's prob worried that in some areas, i might do better than him. i'm not exactly the pretty and sweet kind of girl that men go after. i want to have a simple life, like he says he wants. but he says that i'm too 'complicated' because i read too much into everything. and i think till now, i really don't know what kind of girl he likes. he may be with me, but sometimes i feel like i don't know him at all.

 

i think he's right with the trust issue. even though we've been together for months, i still don't feel like he's really mine - i don't mean in the possessive way, but i just don't feel assured of his love. and i just keep thinking that if he loves me, he would want to reassure me, the way my other girl friends' bfs do, by being honest with me abt his exes, for instance. he hates it when i ask him abt them and says he doesn't see the need to clarify or tell me abt his past since we shld always look at the present and the future. i'm also really insecure because he seldom comments on the positive aspects on my looks. instead, he would say things like he thinks i'm too skinny and he thinks i'll look better if i were plumper and more bosomy (the last part he didn't say, but i kind of figured). i have brought this up to him before, telling him it'd be nice if he says nice things abt me, the way i do abt him, but he doesn't make that much effort to do it because he says it's not the kind of thing that he likes to do.

 

i've spent many nights crying because i'm confused abt where we're heading. i think i'm depressed, because besides my relationship, i've also had to deal with major changes in my family and career. all these things have taken a toil on me. all i want is just for him to comfort me, love me and support me. i really want this relationship to work, because he is special to me, but i don't know how i can handle the trust thing, and how i can handle it when he labels me 'ultra-sensitive', hard to read, etc, whenever i bring up things that he's uncomfortable with. it hurts me because it makes me feel that he treats me as very much another person, not a gf, not even a friend that he's close to, since i can't even confide in him my fears and worries.

 

do you think we still have a chance? i never intended to drive him away with my insecurity, but i might already have diminished the chances. he's becoming a bit cold, whereas before he would be very worried and ask me to forgive him for being insensitive. yet the prob of my insecurity never went away, and i wonder if he really did give us a chance and that he's just hard to get to know, like sometimes i am, or if he really does think of other girls and is with me, not because he loves me, but because he treasures these mths that we've shared, and just wants to make things work even if his heart is not in it fully. i want to find out because i know i love him, not a hundred per cent, but i definitely want to be with him. yet several times i have suggested breaking up because i couldn't take the pain of feeling so insecure. is there any way i can clarify things abt his past and his friendships with other girls without sounding like i'm accusing him? how can our relationship be salvaged, now that i've done damage to it by suggesting we break up when i didn't really mean it?

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Honestly, I think that his disrespect has helped lead to your insecurities. I would not like it if my boyfriend was always staring at other girls. When he's with me, he should be wanting to be with me.. and not care about what other pretty girl walks by.

 

Obviously, that hurt you too. And I think that that's part of the reason why you are so insecure.

 

Also because he tells you all the things you could do to be prettier! That's just not right. He should be with you now because he likes who you are right now and not who you could be.

 

It's your first relationship, but it's only your first relationship. Part of being in relationships is experimenting and learning what you deserve and what you don't. You can't change your boyfriend's ways. And it doesn't seem like he is willing to change for the relationship, so what can you do?

 

Honestly, I think you can do way better. There are guys out there who will love you for you and who will show you that they love you for who you are right now. And you deserve that. You don't deserve a guy with a wandering eye, and you deserve to be told that you are beautiful the way you are. Because that's what you want for you.

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  • 2 years later...

maybe it's true, tt whatever wasn't meant to be, will never be, and there's no pt forcing love... we broke up after more than two yrs in march this yr. whereas all the times tt i had tried to leave, he wld beg with me to stay, in july last yr, we had our first break up, during a time when my mum was in hospital, becos he felt tt he had found someone else tt he wld rather spend his time with... she was a pretty but platonic good friend.

 

i stupidly tried to salvage the situation after tt, even while my mum was diagnosed with cancer, giving him more chances to hurt me. i guess i felt really helpless then, and needed someone to hold on to. but in march this yr, we broke up for good.

 

even then, we still kept in contact for a few mths. he contacted me first after the second break up saying tt he missed me, and i kept harboring hopes of getting back tog with him, choosing to believe his words tt he still had feelings for me, and tt somehow there wld be a miracle... i didn't want to give up on him just like tt and it resulted in me being alienated fr my friends, who disapprove of him.

 

it's been ten mths, and i can pretty much say tt i have given up on him now... but recently, when i found out tt he might be seeing someone, i felt really fearful tt maybe it was really the end... and tt i wld never see him again.

 

i can't explain why i feel this way. i know tt i shldn't be afraid. but i guess maybe it's got smth to do with the fact tt i've never really believed tt any guy wld love me... and there, he has proven it by his negative comments of me and by leaving me. i am very afraid tt i will nv find somebody else.

 

one of the last things he said to me recently was tt he sees no pt in us being together, because he feels tt i wld never be able to trust him again. i didn't agree, but i didn't bother to argue cos i knew then tt he prob said it to end it once and for all with me, bcos he had already found yet another someone to date. it hurt me when he said tt he was glad tt we were not playing mind games anymore. implying that i had been playing mind games with him after the break up. the thing tt hurt was tt, he was the one who called me first after NC, and he tried to manipulate me too. yet he was right in a way... i did try to find out whether he wld get jealous by telling him tt i was gg out with someone else and i am ashamed of tt.

 

i realise tt he prob hates the sight of me now, cos it reminds him of what a jerk he had been when he broke up wif me during the lowest point in my life. and i know tt my fren was right, that he was just keeping me by the side while he looked for another girlfriend. yet i can't seem to hate him, or forget him. is this normal in a break up? cos i feel tt i really ought to ](*,)

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